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  #11  
Old 10-21-2011, 04:18 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Sourgirl,

You only think you don't ....you're just in denial....come Saturday night a few margaritas you'll be lookin for healin. By the way interesting side-note I was in a garage band named lookin fa healin. We played mostly funk covers...George Clinton...Dr. John...

Did I mention Mono's birthday? I've lost track
Well, if it`s margarita`s, yes I`ll need healing. Probably from a ER doc.
That shit fucks me up.

Omg, I was in a rubber-room band called 'Lookin Fa Garbage' !!!
Wow conincidence !

Yes, you mentioned Mono`s birthday ( Happy B-Day Mono ! ), but forgot to list where the open margarita bar is, the time it will be held, and what your new birthday-party band is.

Let the healing commence.
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  #12  
Old 10-22-2011, 05:46 PM
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Dinged. You're cracking me up *hugs*
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  #13  
Old 10-22-2011, 05:49 PM
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Thanks for the birthday wishes and laughs DH! I would have responded sooner but I was doing too much sexual healing to free up some fingers for typing
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  #14  
Old 10-22-2011, 08:39 PM
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Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
Those seeking that out for the sole-purpose raises my suspicions, but healing indirectly, sure I guess. It`s not a role men play in my life. I dont need them to heal me, or fix me,...so I find this interesting.
I recognize healers as anyone with whom I feel better about myself, more connected with humanity, more accepting, happier or more joyful, more optimistic (in a genuine way, not pie-in-the-sky wistfulness), less devastated if I'm dealing with some turmoil, or any combination thereof, after simply being in their presence. It's not about laying their hands on me, nor that they make wounds and scars go away; it's that their groundedness, sense of satisfaction, and joy in living rubs off on me, no matter the situation we find ourselves in. I think everyone has the potential to be a healer, but it depends on how grounded they are in themselves. So, whether it's a cab ride or a night of passionate sex, to me a healer is a centered and balanced person (for the most part), and can access that part of themselves and share it. I also have to be open to accepting healing, too. Sometimes I dig my heels in and stubbornly stay in a whiny, complaining state of being, and therefore hanging around someone's healing energy won't affect me much because I've erected a wall of some sort between myself and them.

Do I sound like an old hippie or what?
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-22-2011 at 08:43 PM.
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  #15  
Old 10-23-2011, 02:18 AM
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Hey Nycindie !

I figured that is what people meant. Someone that makes them feel good on many levels.

For me to say 'heal,' implies that something needed mending. Someone is in the repair shop. Not that there is anything wrong with healing-sex. In many ways that is what BDSM does for many people. I see 'healing' different then sex that can be described as ; gratifying, fully-pleasurable, healthy, enriching, rewarding, etc.

Unfortunately, I find it is much like that old joke, about when people say 'I`m honest, I swear.'
Or, 'That`s the truth, I swear it.'
Usually the very people declaring it, are often not doing those things.


Those that figure themselves 'healers' sexually, and really are, find it to be more-so something they have noticed, but they carry on normally.
Those that declare it and want to 'fix' people, and offer to 'fix' people, are usually bird-brains, and full of shit.

Just my experience.....
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  #16  
Old 10-23-2011, 10:08 AM
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Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
Those that figure themselves 'healers' sexually, and really are, find it to be more-so something they have noticed, but they carry on normally.
Those that declare it and want to 'fix' people, and offer to 'fix' people, are usually bird-brains, and full of shit.
Oh, hell yeah. I would probably stay clear away from anyone who hit on me with some line like, "I'm a sexual healer, baby. I can help you love yourself," or some shit like that. Wretch.

I do see that recognizing my own ability to heal is something that I only noticed in retrospect. But there have been times when I was conscious of the potential healing that could take place with someone before or as we were getting it on, but I didn't let myself feel elevated or superior because of it. Sometimes you just recognize that you've got what someone needs, kwim?

I also take a very dim view of anyone who charges money for healing. I once interviewed a Native American medicine man, and he told me that a real, genuine medicine man or woman would never charge money for what they do. That goes against all the sensibilities of tribal peoples. It's a huge offense. They call anyone who charges money for performing or leading ceremonies (like sweat lodges and vision quests), workshops, seminars, healings, readings, etc., "plastic shamans." One could say that a therapist or counselor is getting paid to heal, but I think a good one doesn't claim that they will definitely fix anyone. They usually say they are just there to help you see your issues and work with you to make choices and changes.

But I digress...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
I figured that is what people meant. Someone that makes them feel good on many levels.

For me to say 'heal,' implies that something needed mending. Someone is in the repair shop.
Well, to me, it's not just feeling good around those healing people; what makes them (and I include myself as one) healers, is about feeling better. Some increase, in some way, in a more positive state of mind, or feeling lifted out of a darker, even perhaps depressed, place. So, it is about mending. Sometimes there's mending a bad mood, sometimes mending a perspective that had us all fucked-up about something, and sometimes there's mending that goes very deep into our sexuality and sense of ourselves.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
Not that there is anything wrong with healing-sex. In many ways that is what BDSM does for many people. I see 'healing' different then sex that can be described as ; gratifying, fully-pleasurable, healthy, enriching, rewarding, etc.
Gotcha. Sure, we don't always need healing sex; sometimes we just wanna have fun and get off. Nor is sex with someone who has that healing energy always "medicinal" or some ritualistic healing ceremony, LOL. But sometimes just the fact that someone can enjoy sex and connecting with someone physically is the thing that heals. For example, I have always been one who can laugh in bed. I never thought it strange, that if something gives me delight, I can laugh out loud about it, even though it's during sex. But I learned that many men are conditioned to feel insulted by laughter during sex. Never would have occurred to me until I encountered a reaction from a few lovers who were at first taken aback by the fact that I had giggled or laughed while we were going at it. But after telling them I was just enjoying myself, and still being myself, not holding back, eventually they tapped into my experience that sex can be fun and not all serious work. So, I noticed that I was able to share a gift of myself with them, which lightened them up a bit and was, in that sense, healing for them.

It doesn't have to be all heavy shit, like healing someone who was scarred from abuse.

Back to the topic, although I see that anyone can be a healer, I wonder if testosterone gets in the way of a guy seeing that ability in himself. Perhaps that's why it's more common to see or hear from women who acknowledge that they can be sexual healers.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #17  
Old 10-23-2011, 12:32 PM
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A good lover is a healing lover. No matter the gender, male, female or someone in between. But let me address men.

I want a man with a slow hand
I want a lover with an easy touch
I want someone who will spend some time
Not come and go in a heated rush

Old song, but so true.

The sexual healing lyrics from Mr Marvin Gay:

Baby I got sick this morning
A sea was storming inside me
Baby, I think I'm capsizing
The waves are rising and rising

And when I get that feeling
I want sexual healing
Sexual healing is good for me
Makes me feel so fine
It's such a rush
Sexual healing is something that's good for us

...

Please don't procrastinate
It's not good to masturbate.

If I had to break down the qualities of a good, healing lover (like D), they would be:

1) Present 100%. I always felt like when D and I were together, our two bodies (and souls, although I doubt he was thinking of his soul at the time) were all that existed for him, right there, right now. This intense focus, this eagerness, I learned over time, seemed to be something he brought to all of his endeavours.

2) Someone who intuitively seems to almost always touch you or do something to you in *just* the way you want or need it, right at that moment. (Personally I like a firm touch, a confident hand [and tongue], like a horse does, not tentative fluttery butterfly motions. [YMMV]. And D always brought that.) If he senses you need something different and he doesn't quite know what it is, he asks you, "what do you want now?" If you're too overcome to speak, he'll do something, and ask, verbally or non-verbally, "This...? or how about... this?" Eye contact helps... you feel like he is naturally reading you and watching your body language to sense your satisfaction or need to move to a different activity. Mix it up, have a sense of play!

3) Someone who will actually plan a sexual get-together ahead of time. He used to text me in the hours before we had a date planned, and tell me the things he wanted to do to me that afternoon or evening, and also ask me, what do you want, what do you want to try this time? Creativity and imagination combined with lust, knowing that he's thinking of me, of pleasing me, while anticipating his own pleasure, made me feel flattered, titillated, valued and cherished.

4) It should go without saying that a healing male lover will make sure his female partner has had her full pleasure before allowing himself to cum. D always seemed to sense when I'd had full satisfaction. However he would always ask permission to cum verbally, which was a lovely sign of respect, even though I always gave permission, because he always asked when it was obvious I was fulfilled and near exhaustion.

After a 10 minute rest, the desire would rise in both of us again and we'd have a second, shorter go. Just the cherry on top of the sundae. I love a guy with stamina.

Finally, before we got up from our "bed" (couch, back of the van out in nature), we'd continue our connection non-sexually by me stroking his hair (which he told me he loved), or giving him a back massage. Stroking his long muscular back when we both felt all melty and relaxed after our sexual play was wonderfully sensuous for me. He'd purr.

I hope we've all felt this healing, many many times in our lives, of the lovely endorphin overload after a good unrushed intense romp in the sack, where the rest of the world and all its attendant troubles melt away, and we just drift on the lovely warm feelings during the cuddling that ensues after the orgasms are over. It's like a mini-vacation, with perhaps a few bruises and lovebite marks taking the place of sunburn and sore feet. I love seeing those physical souvenirs of our liaisons for a few days afterwards.

That's healing.
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Last edited by Magdlyn; 10-23-2011 at 12:48 PM.
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  #18  
Old 10-23-2011, 02:51 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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@ nycindie

I think it boils down to descriptors. I understand all the things you are saying, and the references as I have that in my own life, but 'healing' truly means healing to me. A 'better' time would be described as 'enriching' to me.

The same way, as if I learned something new in the bedroom, I wouldn`t then refer to my sex partner as my 'teacher'. No matter how connected we were.

So I guess I see it more as a title. Maybe others see it more as a reference to something 'deeper', or more connected.

I don`t recall thinking on this topic to hard before this thread, so it`s not something I had any issue with. Interesting how questions pop up, and our various take on things.
Probably why I come to this board,....to remind myself to make sure, everyone is on the same page, in my life.

Back to the topic,..with my own slant on things as previously mentioned, logically I want to say, I feel the same regarding men or women. Part of me wonders though, if a woman's ( generality) nurturing tendencies set her apart if you were to add up the numbers.
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  #19  
Old 10-24-2011, 12:27 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
A good lover is a healing lover. No matter the gender, male, female or someone in between. But let me address men.

I want a man with a slow hand
I want a lover with an easy touch
I want someone who will spend some time
Not come and go in a heated rush

Old song, but so true.
Ahh, the Pointer Sisters! I think I'll put that bit of lyrics in my OKC profile, heh-heh.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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