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  #21  
Old 11-02-2011, 06:29 PM
onoma onoma is offline
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Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for taking the time to read and give advice.

Right now we're still together, she's agreed to read the book but she's clearly not happy about it. We'll see I guess.

Hope for the best, expect the worst... right?
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  #22  
Old 11-02-2011, 06:48 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I just re-read your thread and would like to comment on a few things:

1.) No, it's not "normal," in the sense that it's expected, for a couple to always be fighting after moving in together. I see no reason to ignore this very large red flag. You are fighting for a reason, not simply because of your living situation.

2.) The notion of a biological clock is, to me, bullshit and offensive, in addition to the fact that it's a lousy reason to have a kid. Why bring a new life into this world just because you feel like the window of opportunity is closing? Women can give birth well into their 40s, but really the reasons to have children shouldn't be so shallow. One should want to devote their lives to unconditionally loving this new human being and nurturing his or her emotional, psychological, and physical health (no easy feat) while also teaching them the responsibilities of being a good citizen in whose hands the future of society will rest. It should be about really wanting to be a parent. And when you were ready to accept all those huge responsibilities, if it's really about giving your love to a child, you can love any child, including one you adopted. It should NEVER be about cementing a relationship or having a baby before your belly is no longer able to bounce back into shape.

3.) Why have you patently ignored everyone who said that you have to strengthen this relationship and make sure it's healthy before embarking on polyamory? Another huge red flag. I think you're setting yourself up for a lot of drama and disaster if you start boinking other women under the banner of polyamory without having a firm, solid, loving, and satisfying foundation with your girlfriend. Read all the threads about jealousy for some eye-openers. I think it might even be smart to move out for a while before you make any commitments to her or anyone else.

Okay, that's my two cents for now. I don't mean to be snarky but just calling it as I see it in the spirit of helpfulness.
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-02-2011 at 06:56 PM.
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  #23  
Old 11-02-2011, 07:51 PM
onoma onoma is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post

3.) Why have you patently ignored everyone who said that you have to strengthen this relationship and make sure it's healthy before embarking on polyamory?

Umm... I haven't. That's what I'm trying to do...
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  #24  
Old 11-02-2011, 08:01 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oops, sorry - I misunderstood your last post to mean that by asking her to read the book, you were trying to embark on polyamory and that reading the book was the first step.

But I see, in your post before that, that you agreed not to start up any other relationships until your issues are resolved. I guess I skimmed the thread more than re-read it. But that's a good move in the right direction, I think.

I don't know which book you're reading together, but I highly recommend Opening Up by Tristan Taormino.
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-02-2011 at 08:08 PM.
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  #25  
Old 11-03-2011, 01:59 AM
onoma onoma is offline
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Understandable, I can be long winded sometimes.

We're reading Polyamory in the 21st Century... so hopefully that's a good one. I wanted something relatively fact based so I (we) could really evaluate pros and cons and such.
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  #26  
Old 11-03-2011, 07:40 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I second nycindie's suggestion of reading Opening up - really, I think you should be reading LOTS of books, partially because you said "The options on that are: Poly relationship until I calm down, or I convince myself that there's no reason to ever want to sleep with anyone else.

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Originally Posted by onoma View Post
I want kids. I'm just not sure I want them next year. BUT, here's where the poly thing is coming in: If I had kids next year, and could still sleep with a few other women I'd be more comfortable with it.
It sounds to me like you don't even know if poly is what you'd want - I don't see being poly as - I'm going to find other people to sleep with until I decide there is no reason to keep sleeping with anybody but the mother of my kids. Nothing wrong if you just want an open relationship where you can be having sex, but be clear about what it is you're looking for. It seems to me like you are focused more on being able to have new sex partners than an urge to be able to have new RELATIONSHIPS. It sounds like what your girlfriend has suggested earlier was giving the former an attempt, but not the latter. Seems like you two still have lots of work on being clear about what you are hoping for.

I don't think that deciding you will have kids with her as long as you are able to be sleeping with other people really makes sense as a basis to stay together, and I'd recommend at least a year of being actively & HEALTHILY poly before even considering having children. I hope the time you're taking to work on your relationship now pays off!
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  #27  
Old 11-04-2011, 02:37 PM
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There is a whole thread of book recommendations in the stickies btw.
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  #28  
Old 11-05-2011, 12:40 AM
kirsten kirsten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onoma View Post
Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for taking the time to read and give advice.

Right now we're still together, she's agreed to read the book but she's clearly not happy about it. We'll see I guess.

Hope for the best, expect the worst... right?
Good luck! I hope it all works out. I'm sure it will, one way or another.
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  #29  
Old 11-05-2011, 04:49 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I just re-read your thread and would like to comment on a few things:

1.) No, it's not "normal," in the sense that it's expected, for a couple to always be fighting after moving in together. I see no reason to ignore this very large red flag. You are fighting for a reason, not simply because of your living situation.
What she said. My wife and I did not have frequent fights when we first moved in together. Most of the (few and infrequent) fights we have had, as I look back on our relationship, have been out of frustration over not being able to communicate and understand each other clearly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie
2.) [...on having kids...] One should want to devote their lives to unconditionally loving this new human being and nurturing his or her emotional, psychological, and physical health (no easy feat) while also teaching them the responsibilities of being a good citizen in whose hands the future of society will rest. It should be about really wanting to be a parent. And when you were ready to accept all those huge responsibilities, if it's really about giving your love to a child, you can love any child, including one you adopted. It should NEVER be about cementing a relationship or having a baby before your belly is no longer able to bounce back into shape.
Agreed ten thousand percent. Once you have a child, your life as you knew it is OVER, and you grow up in a big, big hurry. That child becomes the most important thing, bar none. This doesn't mean that you need to be a helicopter parent or to spoil the child, but it DOES mean that the child's needs (not wants, needs) come before your own desires, and in many cases, ahead of your own needs. Once you accept the responsibility for another person's life, it is total and complete, until that person can care for himself or herself independently. Even then, you will always be a parent, and that other person will always be your baby.

You're never really certain if you're ready for that kind of responsibility. The time comes when you know if you're willing to try, and for you, it doesn't sound like that time has come yet. Don't rush it--it does not sound like you're ready to (try to) spend the rest of your life with this woman as it is, let alone dive into raising children with her. The "tick-tock of the clock" is her issue; don't let her pressure you into doing something you otherwise might not do (yet).

MT
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  #30  
Old 11-06-2011, 05:31 AM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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Just randomly throwing this out there:

My husband and I argued incessantly when we first moved in together. However we also have OCD in varying degrees on both sides, anxiety (one strictly social and one general) and depression in varying degrees on both sides; sometimes situational. And ALL of it was untreated. Sometimes things are not as they seem. If she had a rough couple of years and still isn't making her way to a healthier place, it might be time to look for some outside help. And if you're not willing to ask for help to make yourself a better person to date, you damn sure don't need to be a parent because a large part of being a parent is sometimes being uncomfortable for the sake of someone else's welfare.

Last edited by FireChild; 11-06-2011 at 05:35 AM.
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