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  #11  
Old 10-21-2011, 05:14 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Maybe the wife should read this thread? Or is it a little to raw at this point?
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  #12  
Old 10-21-2011, 05:24 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by NeedsMoreDrama View Post
I've talked about slowly reconnecting with the bff. Nope. My wife is doing her best to open up to this idea but the thought of any sort of romantic relationship between me and the bff still repulses her. It would be like me having sex with her sister than coming home and getting intimate with her. It's the level of familiarity that she finds unnerving.

I've got to do some intensive introspection.
Yes, you do need to do some deep thinking but so does your wife. Poly relationships are often not with the beautiful stranger who has no prior connection to your life. (Although, in the era of internet dating, this does happen.) Usually one falls for the person who's around, who's been in your life for a while - someone like, oh, your wife's bff.

It reads to me - and yes, I am interpreting - that your wife was fine with you getting it on with someone not in your lives previously, and if that connection was not particularly emotionally deep, all the better. However, you're just not interested in other women without that prior tie and emotional connection. And I'm sure she knows that is not how you roll.

So, you noticed that your wife's bff is a lovely woman in her own right. You know her, think she's great and, OF COURSE, you fall in love with the bff. And OF COURSE she returns the feelings because, after all, you don't suck and she likes and trusts you already. This situation is as predictable as the sun rising in the east.

And your wife's squick about you with the bff? Totally understandable. It is a weird situation that one's husband is now dating one's bff. And I get that, to her, it feels like you were boinking her sister.

However, being repulsed is an indication that other issues are on your wife's mind. Paired with her demand that you end the relationship with the bff immediately suggests to me that she was fine with you having a meaningless hookup. But when you fell for the bff, this threatens not just her place in your life but it also fundamentally changes her relationship with the bff. It seems to me there are other things going on under the surface here.

Your wife needs to figure out what those other things are so you and she can address them. And, if your wife is going to have meaningful, connected outside relationships, then you have every right to have outside meaningful, connected relationships too, even if that meaningful, connected relationship is with her bff.

I realize that you and your bff don't want to hurt your wife. But don't allow her pain to determine your actions. You and she and the bff need to have a serious, open discussion about triggers, boundaries and all kinds of difficult topics. We should not hurt those we love but sometimes pain is unavoidable. This is one of those situations.
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  #13  
Old 10-22-2011, 10:11 AM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FireChild View Post
Why does breaking up with the wife's friend mean that you can't date and be happy with someone else?
It doesn't mean that. But people aren't interchangeable and we fall in love with specific people. Our OP was or is in love with the BFF: he doesn't want just any woman, he wants her.

OP, I also think that you should ask your wife to reconsider.
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  #14  
Old 10-23-2011, 10:13 PM
NeedsMoreDrama NeedsMoreDrama is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Maybe the wife should read this thread? Or is it a little to raw at this point?
I told her about this website after I setup my account. She's free to read up whenever she wants; she may very well be reading this right now. Although, we've already gone through all of this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
It reads to me - and yes, I am interpreting - that your wife was fine with you getting it on with someone not in your lives previously, and if that connection was not particularly emotionally deep, all the better. However, you're just not interested in other women without that prior tie and emotional connection. And I'm sure she knows that is not how you roll.

So, you noticed that your wife's bff is a lovely woman in her own right. You know her, think she's great and, OF COURSE, you fall in love with the bff. And OF COURSE she returns the feelings because, after all, you don't suck and she likes and trusts you already. This situation is as predictable as the sun rising in the east.

And your wife's squick about you with the bff? Totally understandable. It is a weird situation that one's husband is now dating one's bff. And I get that, to her, it feels like you were boinking her sister.

However, being repulsed is an indication that other issues are on your wife's mind. Paired with her demand that you end the relationship with the bff immediately suggests to me that she was fine with you having a meaningless hookup. But when you fell for the bff, this threatens not just her place in your life but it also fundamentally changes her relationship with the bff. It seems to me there are other things going on under the surface here.

Your wife needs to figure out what those other things are so you and she can address them. And, if your wife is going to have meaningful, connected outside relationships, then you have every right to have outside meaningful, connected relationships too, even if that meaningful, connected relationship is with her bff.

I realize that you and your bff don't want to hurt your wife. But don't allow her pain to determine your actions. You and she and the bff need to have a serious, open discussion about triggers, boundaries and all kinds of difficult topics. We should not hurt those we love but sometimes pain is unavoidable. This is one of those situations.
I'm thinking the same. I'll bring this up during the next MC session.

The two of us need to talk things out with the bff again. We've tried it before but we just went around in circles. Definitely need to be more assertive next time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleZed View Post
OP, I also think that you should ask your wife to reconsider.
I did ask her to reconsider. She says that she's doing her best but I don't really have high hopes. This situation has reopened some old wounds.

I'm going to discuss this with my wife tonight. Thanks all.
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  #15  
Old 10-24-2011, 02:00 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Good luck, man. *hug*
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  #16  
Old 10-24-2011, 02:26 AM
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Insane00illusions Insane00illusions is offline
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I hope your talk goes well. I feel about the same as other people who posted. While you have had a while to get used to her being with someone else, and loving someone else. She has not seen you do this. And it's going to take some time for her to get used to it, maybe the same long haul that it took you in the begining. She has to be open to the idea, and she can't pick who you love.

None of us can pick and choose who we love it just happens. Usually it isn't the sexual nature of it but the emotional side that gets to people. Personally I have a boyfriend who is getting pretty used to the idea of me seeing others, but he never has in the two years we've been together, because he didn't want to, not because I said no. and (though it pains me to admit it) if he found someone it would be a HUGE adjustment for me, but I would have to bite down have a lot... A LOT of talking and get used to it.

I feel like what we do is a lot about enhancing ourselves as humans, yes there is jealousy, it's not something that should defeat us, more like something we must overcome in order to better ourselves and our relationships.

Keep us updated
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  #17  
Old 10-24-2011, 01:57 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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When I first read this thread, I wanted to say something flippant like, "if you can't fuck your friends, who can you fuck?" But there is some truth to that, actually!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedsMoreDrama View Post
My wife and I are currently in marriage counselling talking about where we will go from here. On one hand, I'm happy that she is putting in the effort, which is more than a lot of other spouses would get. On the other hand, this bid to "save the marriage" feels so artificial to me, and I'm starting to think that a purely monogamous relationship with my wife's friend would leave me more fulfilled in the long-term.

As you can see, I am in a difficult position. Is it all over? Any advice?
No, I don't think it's all over. Not at all! Take heart. From what you've shared, I see real potential here to have all your relationships blossom and be very satisfying to all involved, if everyone is willing to look deeper. I do wonder, however, about the fact that you say you are apathetic about anything she does now. In that case, what is left between you and why would her request matter so much?

Regarding your wife taking issue with the relationship you have with her best friend: if you have two relationships, does it make sense that one of the people in one of those relationships gets to dictate how the other relationship should go, or if it's allowed to even exist? No, it doesn't.

I hope she comes here to read this thread. Your wife wanted poly; you grappled with your own difficulties in accepting that she wanted a relationship with another man and ultimately gave her the "green light," as you said. You said that you struggled with it for two years, but you did not try to squash her needs nor prevent her from having what she wanted.

She, on the other hand, could only tolerate your having another relationship for three months before forbidding you to continue, citing that she couldn't handle you being with her best friend. That sounds rather selfish, dictatorial, and possessive to me. Possessive of both you and her best friend. She is trying to tell both of you how to live your lives. Would she accept you trying to tell her how she and her boyfriend should run their relationship?

Where is the generosity that you showed her? What kind of bullshit is this? She might feel squeamish over her bff being your lover, but you didn't start out all hunky-dory over her other relationship, so why does she feel it has to all fall neatly into place when you find someone? She is having difficulty with her feelings about it, she should deal with them, like you did, and not be a fucking princess about it.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this is one of those things that gets to me, and why I am always cautious about getting involved in a poly relationship with a married person whose spouse may not have done the work necessary to see all sides clearly. When you embark on poly, you need to start having a sense of maturity about relationships and stop lording your couplehood over the other partners. That's not to say that everyone should always be equal in time or investment -- of course there are situations where it's perfectly appropriate that one pair takes precedence in terms of household, raising children, finances, and all that. BUT, each relationship still needs to be respected as the entity that it is, and no one outside the relationship has the right to dictate terms for it. In other words, your wife shouldn't be telling you that you and her bff cannot continue. That's just not her decision. She can voice her concerns, but it's not her relationship so she has no right to try and steer it or put the kabosh on it. She is trying to control her relationship with the best friend, too, and if I were that friend, I would not appreciate that either.

I just found a tidbit of wisdom in someone else's thread that I think applies to your situation:
Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
. . . trusting others to handle their own stuff and letting go brings relief and relaxation that no illusion of control can bring.
And controlling your relationship with her best friend would be just an illusion, because the love you two feel for each other is already there. Friendships change. People change, and all relationships change over time. She wants to hold onto this idea of her friendship with the woman she grew up with as something that it has always been. So, now her friend falls in love with you. Your wife asked for openness and polyamory. Yet she doesn't want to allow for any change. I agree with some others who have said it is more than just the notion that it's incestuous; it seems that she is just plain jealous AND only wants what she wants. She is selfishly exhibiting a flagrant disregard for what you and her best friend want for yourselves. She needs to check herself on that, and dig deep.

I hope you stand up for yourself here. After all, you were willing to put yourself through what I am sure was an agonizing trial by fire for a few years and came out the other side. When you love someone, you want them to be happy and free, and your own discomforts shouldn't stand in the way of that. She should be willing to show the same love and respect for you that you showed her when she wanted another relationship.
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-24-2011 at 03:54 PM.
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  #18  
Old 10-24-2011, 02:48 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I definitely agree that it appears she's being hypocritical. It was all fine and good when she was the one developing a relationship and YOU were the one doing the work. Now she's having to do the work and instead of digging deep, getting help, asking questions and doing some introspection, she's telling you and the BFF to stop.

The fact is, she needs to man up and admit that it's harder on this side than she thought it would be. That it was easy when she was all NRE with her BF to just let you figure things out, but she most likely had no idea how much FREAKING WORK that takes sometimes.

Yes, it's hard. Work through it. Maybe it's wierd that it's the BFF, so what? She needs to figure out WHY she thinks it's wierd for her, and get to the root of what's really going on. See a counselor, read some books, something.

Get help, get support. It's out there...
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  #19  
Old 10-24-2011, 02:48 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Is it really NRE when these people have known each other for a long time? Seems to me like a natural progression of love and respect. Surely your wife can see what you see in her best friend -- SHE has seen it herself, since childhood! She should figure you've got great taste, anyway.

When my husband admitted he could understand what I love in my bf, and we could see him together through the eyes of love, it was really beautiful. I hope your wife can get past the ick factor -- because they are NOT in fact "blood-related." Actually I think the deep long-term friendship can be really good for a poly relationship. She knows her friend loves and cares about her, too! My husband's girlfriend is a complete stranger to me. It has been a terrible struggle.

(You didn't mention if you know, or have a relationship with HER other man/men -- ?)

Good luck! It sounds like you two will handle things with maturity and respect -- even if you do choose to split. Love will lead you where you need to be.
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  #20  
Old 10-24-2011, 03:41 PM
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Some of the advice is kinda making me shake my head.

- We don`t have any idea, if this OP let NRE get to him in the same fashion, during the dating, as he is letting it get to him now. What if his time and attention was going all to the Bff ?
What if the bff was doing the same thing ?
What if the both kinda mangled this themselves, and didn`t see the warning signs before the wife called a veto ? What if she was trying to talk him through his nre for 4,5,6 months, before calling it quits ? There are so many variables here. If it took her a few months to get her to panic, it might take a few more months to ask her to trust them again.

- The bff has decided not to pursue him, out of respect for the bf/his wife. Her actions are kinda saying something here too.

- The wife has had NO problem in the past with the husband and bff hanging around each other, and developing a close friendship. 'Something happened on the way to heaven' when the relationship got physical. Judging by this op`s lack-a-daisy attitude towards his wife, maybe the wife is struggling, as it seems he may like the shiny new bff sexually,...much better.
The only fact, is the OP has said himself, he would rather be monogamous with the bff, then monogamous with the wife. Gee, I wonder why the wife is panicking ? She probably felt this coming all along.

This bff and wife have supposedly been friends since childhood. She has had a relationship LONGER with her bff then she has with her husband. This could totally be about her losing her relationship with the bff, not so much her fears over her husband. The flippant attitude in the advice makes me grateful I only know some of you on a message board. I could be dead-wrong about darn near everything here, but the thread seems to have developed into advice based on imaginary 'fact', versus advice based on possibilities. I truly believe there are three sides to every story.


No offence OP, but something reeks of one-sidedness. Its not just the wife`s stance. I really wish she would post, I`d love to be wrong.
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