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Old 11-26-2009, 05:34 PM
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Default Still not sure if polyamory is right for me (us)...

Hello all! Firstly I'd like to express my excitement at having located this group. I've been interested in polyamory for a very long time but have never been able to make it work in my own life. I've discussed it in almost every serious monogamous relationship I've had, but have never been able to bring it to fruition.

For a bit of background, I'm an out, bisexual "female" (although I'm on the cusp of transition, still not sure how far I will take it) and I'm in a monogamous relationship with a male whose gender identity is similarly fluid. He's wanted to transition and go through reassignment surgery in the past, but because of the negative reactions he received from friends, he's put it on the shelf almost entirely and now lives full time as a man. I've always wanted to date a transgendered individual, not only because they would be understanding of my own gender issues, but would (hopefully) satiate my desire to experience love, romance, and sexual fulfillment with persons of the male and female persuasion.

In all of my longterm relationships, after dating someone of one gender for a sustained period of time, I begin to crave the opposite gender. The same is happening now. I've been with my current for over a year, and before him, I'd dated a string of straight males. I didn't have much opportunity to date women, as the ones I'd been interested in were in relationships, or I met them when I was already attached and they wanted something exclusive, etc. I met my current via okcupid, and I'd specified on there I wasn't into dating straight men and wanted to date someone either female, transgendered, or intersexed. In his profile he said he felt like a woman trapped in a man's body, so I assumed I'd get a chance to love the woman trapped within, if you will. To my dismay, it's been very hard for him to express much of his feminine side, even in private. I've made it clear that I would be totally accepting of him exploring this with me. I've encouraged him to start dressing more feminine. He says he doesn't want to do it in this city period, even at home because it would only make him sad that he couldn't do it in public. We're planning to move to San Francisco this summer, and he's said he'll be more open to tapping into that aspect of himself once we're out there.

In the meantime, I've been fantasizing about women. I'm friends with quite a few gay and bisexual women that I've had some flirtation with; I even had an ill-fated threesome with one of them and my current several months back. It wasn't my first threesome, and I've come to the conclusion that threesomes just aren't for me. While they can be fun, they only seem to complicate things and ultimately leave me cold. I've been honest about my flirtation and desires with my significant other, but we've not yet reached a resolution as to how to solve my dilemma. The hangup is on my end this time.

In order for me to feel comfortable dating another girl, (or girls,) I'd have to be okay with the idea of my current being able to do the same... Right? Ideally (and selfishly) I'd like to be able to date other girls but for my partner to be exclusively with me. Yes, I know how bad that sounds.

The issue I have is as follows: I'm bi. My partner fulfills my needs for male interaction, but I still crave women. If he were bi and told me he was having similar feelings, I'd be understanding of this and would have no problem with him seeing other guys so long as they practiced safe sex (I've dated a "bi" guy before and had no issue with this). I wouldn't feel threatened by men, because I know they could provide for my partner emotional interaction and, to be frank, sexual interaction that I simply can't. If my partner were to date other women, however, I'd perceive it as competition and I know I'd be jealous. I'd feel threatened and afraid he'd grow to love another woman more than myself, and I know I'd be hurt. I've tried explaining this to my current, but this is usually about where the conversation ends as we're both uncertain as to what to do. I've been here so many times before with straight men, so my frustration is now at an all-time high. This is why I was wary of dating another straight man, because I felt in my heart this is exactly where I'd end up.

Can anyone out there offer any advice? Am I being totally unreasonable?
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Old 11-26-2009, 05:58 PM
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Originally Posted by fauxsisticated View Post

The issue I have is as follows: I'm bi. My partner fulfills my needs for male interaction, but I still crave women. If he were bi and told me he was having similar feelings, I'd be understanding of this and would have no problem with him seeing other guys so long as they practiced safe sex (I've dated a "bi" guy before and had no issue with this). I wouldn't feel threatened by men, because I know they could provide for my partner emotional interaction and, to be frank, sexual interaction that I simply can't.

WOW! This is very simlar to someone else's feelings I know....wait now, the name is on the tip of my tongue...here it comes...ME!

Nice to hear a woman viewing things similarly to this vanilla cracker. Brace yourself, you'll probably get called out on this with the usual insecurity questions. I'm with you though!

Wish I had more advice other than because you are looking for a woman it may be recieved a lot better than if you were looking for another man.

Good luck

Mono
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Old 11-27-2009, 12:23 AM
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Hi, I too am in a very similar situation. You might be interested in checking out shybi.com I've been overe there and there are alot of women there in similar situation. I am also bi-curious and would love to introduce a lady into our situation. One of my guys is bi and he is in a relationship with a guy as well. I am very happy that he has found a guy that he is not only very happy with, but seems to work quite well with our relaitonship. I wish I could be so lucky finding a girl I wish you luck.
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Old 11-28-2009, 07:38 PM
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Thanks for the responses. I know that my issue stems from insecurity. I have no problem stating that. I don't claim to be perfect, enlightened, and certainly not better than anyone else. I own up to my jealousy. I know it's a huge problem in my life. I wish it wasn't a part of who I am, but lying about it would be just that -- lying! I'm big on honesty. I try to evaluate my feelings and actions as fairly as I can, and to pinpoint when I'm being a big jerkface.

I guess I'm more interested in how I can overcome this jealousy... Is there anyone out there that's had major jealousy/insecurity issues to overcome? If not, is there anyone in a poly situation who is not exclusive but their partner is? How has it impacted your relationship?
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Old 11-28-2009, 07:48 PM
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I know that my issue stems from insecurity. I have no problem stating that.
And here is where we are different. I'm not insecure. I know what I am willing to compromise to be in a relationship and what I am not at this point in time. Getting over that idea of being insecure was more my struggle.
I hope you find exaclty what you need to ovecome your own struggles and achieve what you want my friend

Mono
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 11-28-2009 at 07:54 PM.
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Old 11-28-2009, 11:14 PM
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Hey Faux,


Welcome!


I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I've been in a relationship w a M2F transgirl all this year. I've also been dating others, mostly men, some bi, some straight. However, I would like to see a bio (cis-gendered) woman sometime, since my lover is pre-op and my real life exp w women is limited to a couple brief encounters when I was in my late teens.

Please read my other posts to see how ive been dealing w jealousy, feelings about fear of competition and potential for loss, envy, anxiety, etc. I've been blabbing about that a lot here since I joined a couple weeks ago.
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Old 11-28-2009, 11:31 PM
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Please read my other posts to see how ive been dealing w jealousy, feelings about fear of competition and potential for loss, envy, anxiety, etc. I've been blabbing about that a lot here since I joined a couple weeks ago.
Hardly babble Magdlyn. Sharing valuable insight is a better discription, and a great sense of humour as well
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Old 11-30-2009, 02:01 PM
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Thanks again to everyone for their thoughtful responses! I appreciate the feedback. I feared being judged harshly when I first submitted my original post, and I'm glad to have instead gotten such supportive input

Magdlyn, I'll look up some of your other posts. The one thing that's always kept me from really pursuing a poly lifestyle is the jealousy factor and not wanting to ruin the monogamous relationship I'm in. I've been told it's harder to go from monogamous to poly once the expectation has been in place that you'll be exclusive with your partner, but I have a hard time trusting someone enough right off the bat to open things up. Ideally I'd like to have a primary partner that I felt comfortable enough with that we could both date other people. At the same time, though, the thought scares me because I fear there'd be too many opportunities for deception and hurt feelings for everyone involved. I guess that's a possibility in any relationship... I dunno.

When I first got together with my current (I'm omitting his name for privacy's sake although he probably wouldn't care), we discussed the idea of being exclusive until we'd been together for years and our relationship was stable enough to take on the additional strain. I feel like our relationship is stronger now than ever, but I'd still like to maybe even wait til after marriage to open it up. Not only that, but I'd rather like to not rock the boat. We're enjoying a bit of calm in a relationship that has had a few kinks to be worked out. It gets more confusing because of the attraction I've had towards women. Logically I think it'd be best to wait, but impulsively I want to lay every pretty girl I see these days

I feel like my sex life is suffering a bit, simply because I grow bored with familiarity pretty easily, and I find my mind wandering when he and I are having sex. I've noticed myself thinking about girls when I'm with him, and I've been encouraging him more than ever to dress and act more feminine. It's partially because I know it's part of himself he'd like to express, but a lot of it is because I know it'd turn me on to make love with someone of a girlier persuasion.
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Old 11-30-2009, 02:54 PM
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For the most part, jealousy is treated more as a sympton that an issue. The issue is usually insecurity or envy. In your case, it sounds like insecurity because you will see it as competition.

Maybe you can perceive it differently if you realize that in this "competition" everyone can be a winner. Unlike monogamy practices, if you like someone (for whatever reason) you can be with them and do not have to choose one person over another. The only reason you leave someone is because you just don't want to be around them, not because there is someone better out there.

In a sense, love between any two people is very unique. If he was involved with another woman, his love for that woman would feel different than his love for you (not better or worse, just different).

Another poly concept is compersion (or frubble). Sometimes seeing your partner happy being with someone can make you happy.

But it has to work on communication and understanding each other desires.
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Old 12-01-2009, 02:42 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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www.lovemore.com
www.xeromag.com


Both have great articles on owning your insecurities and dealing with them as YOUR problem opposed to your partners problem.

Additionally
the books
Opening Up & Love Without Limits also address that very well.
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