Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-01-2009, 12:51 AM
lost lost is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 5
Default communication assistance

Background:

My wife told me that she's polyamorous and wants a separation. I felt threatened, insecure, apparently all the normal things. I'm coming around, accepting that she can love multiple people. We still have a lot of ground work to address, rules and expectations, I have personal growth to address, all on top of a shaky marriage. We're seeing a marriage counselor who is quite accepting of my wife's needs. We see him again on Friday and I'm looking forward to it.

The here and now:

So, my wife got a call from a newish friend who needs a ride to a storage unit in a town about 3 hours away round trip. This friend has a reputation for disturbing relationships on shaky ground. A rumor that was brought to my attention yesterday while we were hanging out at a friends house. My wife had left to get lunch and I was returning from the restroom when I caught the tail end of the conversation, pried a little bit, and discovered who they were talking about.

So I'm concerned. Less concerned about her relationship with this friend, he's a nice enough guy. However, I am concerned about how their friendship will affect our relationship. I'm also concerned that if she gets intimately involved with her friend it could be easier for her to not mention it than to discuss it.

I'm also concerned that my thoughts might be a manefestation of jealousy. Aditionaly I don't know how to frame these concerns so my wife dosn't take it as a personal attack.

This is a good test for me. Any guidance is appreciated.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-01-2009, 12:56 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

Check this thread out for some communication tools and tips:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=255
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-01-2009, 01:03 AM
Erosa's Avatar
Erosa Erosa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 138
Default

This sounds like a hard place to be. I think your concerns are valid but you have to ask yourself; what can you really do? If you refuse to let your wife see him then you will be right back with the problem you started with. At least it seems that way to me.

I sincerely hope that everything works out.
__________________
With all my heart I will love and not fail,
With all my soul I will fly and not fall.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-01-2009, 02:38 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,438
Default

yet another disasterous start (no offense intended feel free to read my story-I had my own big disasterous start).

I highly suggest:
stick with the counselor
work on YOURSELF
remind yourself daily-you can only change YOURSELF
let go of your "claim" on your wife (it's not real anyway)
work on figuring out what YOU need to be happy in life
once you know-decide IS that compatible w/what she needs
read the communication thread on the forum under "general"
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-01-2009, 05:54 AM
lost lost is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 5
Default

Thank you Ceoli. This looks like a good resource to digest.

LovingRadiance, good point! Just when I thought I was working on some of the me issues you bring several concepts to light that I had been ignoring. What do I need to be happy in life?! Why isn't this a question I've been asking myself for years? Definetly a question I'll be spending some time pondering.

I'm off to read the valuable resources you both so kindly pointed out to me. Thanks again!
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 12-01-2009, 06:04 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,438
Default

Lost-in truth-we're all lost-in some issue of our life.
We're each in our own spot so where we are, someone else has already been and if we let them-they can suggest the pitfalls to avoid.

You might also look at www.lovemore.com, www.xeromag.com and check out some of the books that are listed in the recommended books list.
All have been VERY helpful for me!
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 12-02-2009, 09:10 AM
Sweetheart's Avatar
Sweetheart Sweetheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: in my mind
Posts: 125
Default

Hang in there, lost. This is a challenging time for you, a nexus if you will. I agree with the advice that's been given to you already. Read as much as possible, listen to others who've been there, and do as much work on yourself as you can. Be supportive and loving. Communicate, and be honest but respectful when you do. You are not alone. Many of us have been through similar situations, and we understand!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:50 AM.