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Old 11-21-2014, 03:01 AM
exozune exozune is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 2
Unhappy Newish to open relationship. Could use some advice

Hello all,

My wife and I just started an open relationship a few months ago and I need some help and advice.

Prologue - Im 28 and my wife is 22. My wife and I have been married for two years. I am prior military and she is still serving. We both live in military base housing. She was the one who brought up the idea of an open relationship. After some time thinking about it and discussing it with my wife we started our open relationship. My wife seems to have a line of guys clawing at the door trying to get with her and it's quite understandable, she is beautiful, funny, and has a great body. She has had three partners since we started and I have been getting put down by women and it is very annoying.

My wife has no problem telling people that she is married and in an open relationship. Thinking like a young, single guy I probably wouldn't care that she is married either However when I tell girls that I am married and in an open relationship I get "oh...uhhh" and then it gets awkward from there or they stop talking to me. I am aware that I am going to get a few strikes before I get a hit but it is so easy for my wife.

My wife tells me to not tell them that I am married, that I live in military base housing because I am retired, which couldn't be further from the truth, or tell them I am living with a roommate on base housing, but I consider that lying. She tells me that I need to find other polyamorous people or find swingers, but I don't like that either. There is nothing wrong with finding another polyamorous person. But I just don't want that to be my only avenue. I realize that not everyone will be open to the idea of someone being married and in an open relationship but I do not like the fact that I have to go though such extreme measures to find someone while it seems like my wife can walk down the street and find someone in a snap. I am starting to get a little jealous of the fact that it is soo easy for her and she wants me to lie to girls, go to swinger parties or only find other polyamorous people in our community.

I love my wife and still support her but it doesn't sound fair when she is pretty much telling me that my options of finding someone else is extremely limited while it is not hard at all for her. I want to find someone and have a connection with other than my wife and it is becoming quite bothersome.

So what advice would you give a struggling new member to polyamory club.
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Old 11-21-2014, 04:42 AM
Candiedlove Candiedlove is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 272

1. Don't lie.
2. Date poly folk.

Seriously, deciding to only date poly people took out 99% of drama in our lives. My partner decided to date one mono woman in that time...probably never again.

I might date a mono partner, but it would be a rare exception for a rare person. I would never seek that out.
Newly poly, but never monogamous

The "polyship":

Me 28F,
Sam 39M, my partner
Jen 38F, Sam's fwb & my friend

The former players:
Candi 41F, Sam's and my fwb/emphasis on the "f"/light on the "b"
Felycia 29F, Sam's and my fwb?/potential girlfriend
Leana 29F, Sam's and my girlfriend
Charlene, Sam's ex-wife
Paul, Charlene's boyfriend
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Old 11-21-2014, 02:32 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 2,202

exozune, I think the situation you're describing is one reason that dating websites like OKCupid are doing so well. You can discover people in your geographical location that are interested in similar types of relationships, people that you otherwise would not run into. I've found OKC to be a safe, fun place where I'm totally in control of who I interact with and the kinds of people that I attract. As for honesty about being married, I would encourage that. Honesty begets honesty and that is one of the building blocks to satisfaction, whatever satisfaction means to you. Personally, I am not into sharing every dirty detail, but the basic fact that I am married with children is something that every potential partner knows about me from the start. If that weeds out 90% of interested parties, then so be it. I'm only interested in partners who are comfortable with my living situation. For sure, there are women who would be fine with your being married and open. You just need to be able to find them and a safe, fun dating website is a good place to start.
~ Karen
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Old 11-21-2014, 03:23 PM
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Piroska Piroska is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 90

exozune -
What you're going through is very similar to what Guy (my husband) went through. He's had my permission to pursue other relationships since we got together, about 15 years ago.

For the first 9 or 10 of that he wasn't really interested in seeking anything out - partially a holdover from a catholic upbringing, partially because I had a lapse in fidelity and it was EXTREMELY painful for him, so he wasn't about to ever consider anything that included other partners at all (and I was forbidden to even consider the idea of other partners).

About 5 or 6 years ago we started inching towards polyamory, and as he's allowed me very gradually increasing amounts of freedom, he's gotten more comfortable with the idea of his own girlfriends.

I've always had takers for whatever I could offer, but he's had almost nothing.

We had an attempted triad that blew up a few years ago, but mostly, he was feeling the same thing you are - super frustrated and jealous of my (seemingly unlimited) options.

I've tried to be as encouraging as I could be for him, and point out when women seemed to be showing an interest in him if we were out together, or give him a woman's perspective on what someone said to him, etc.

My most recent boyfriend is wonderful (or was, until a day ago), and Guy was finally sort of relaxing into allowing me to pursue interests and connections where they went, when he was messaged out of the blue by a woman who is a perfect match for him.

Seriously. I had been on his case to tone down some of the over the top honesty (I didn't want him to lie, but putting it out there that BDSM and spankings were a huge part of his interests was something I thought might be scaring a few women away) on his OKC profile but apparently, that's what attracted her to him. She's polyamorous also, and only wanted a partner who would understand that and be okay with it - she's in two other relationships right now. They have so many interests in common, they click so well, she's really sweet and so far - perfect for him.

My point is, it might take some time, but lightning seems to have struck him with this match (and he almost blew it. when she messaged him, he was so shocked he couldn't figure out what to say to her. I had to pretty much sit him down and make him answer so he didn't just let this connection slip through his fingers.) In other words, what you're lacking in quantity of partners might just be made up in quality. Honestly, every new thing Guy finds out about this woman endears her to him more. It's amazing.

The tl:dr?
Be absolutely honest.
Be upfront about your interests - what things would you ideally like to share with a perfect match? Make sure those come up either in conversation or on an online profile.
YES, date polyamorous people. Do you seriously want to have to deal with trying to ease a monoamorous minded woman into being okay with the fact that you have a wife??
current relationships:
Guy - Dom/husband
Minx - sort of dating
Cru - (no longer dating)
Lee - Guy's girlfriend

Last edited by Piroska; 11-21-2014 at 03:24 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 11-21-2014, 10:16 PM
exozune exozune is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 2

Thanks for the quick responses everyone. You all are very kind and supportive and all had some really good advice. Thats whats up. I will definitely start to look for more poly people in my area.

I will start on OKC and go from there. I was and am still optimistic about being in an open relationship and you all shined that glimpse of light in my dark tunnel to show me my path. Thank you all again.
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Old 11-21-2014, 10:22 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Have you sat down and thought about what you have to offer a single woman outside the poly world, and why such a woman would want to date a married man?
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Old 11-22-2014, 01:29 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,555

Yes, as a 28 year old young man, what do you have to offer another woman? Are you planning on children soon? Kids take up lots of time. Your wife is sowing wild oats still, at 22. Do you want to sow wild oats still?

Have you considered dating older poly women? The more settled, more mature woman is not (usually) looking for a bungalow with a white picket fence, 2 kids and 2 cars. In fact, she might already have all of those, whether she is single or partnered.

She might be looking for sex, deep emotional connection, fun dates, emotional support, but not be as.... needy as a woman younger than yourself. Older women know themselves better, usually, know what they want, have more emotional and sexual experience and skills, too. As a poly woman of some years, I've dated lots of guys in their 20s and 30s and had much satisfaction with the younger men. And vice versa.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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Old 11-22-2014, 03:13 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Location: Long Island, NY
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post

She might be looking for sex, deep emotional connection, fun dates, emotional support, but not be as.... needy as a woman younger than yourself. Older women know themselves better, usually, know what they want, have more emotional and sexual experience and skills, too. As a poly woman of some years, I've dated lots of guys in their 20s and 30s and had much satisfaction with the younger men. And vice versa.

I hear again and again from men in their 20's that older women are very appealing for all of these reasons. The older woman/younger man relationship can be so mutually satisfying.
~ Karen
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Old 11-22-2014, 04:28 PM
Middlegirl Middlegirl is offline
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Default I love the fact that your honest!

First let me say again I love the fact that your are up front and honest. When I met Renee she was that same way.. My first reaction was ARE YOU CRAZY! I'm not seeing a married women, I don't care if you husband encourages it. To be honest I didn't believe her, and I met Renee and Mark at the same time.

My thought is this when you tell women that your married in an open relatinship you are being honest. What they hear is I'm married and making up this whole open relationship thing to get you in bed.

That a tough proposition for an girl, poly people are more understanding but finding other poly people is it's own challenge. Renee and Mark have just 4 poly couple friends, and we live in St. Louis, now they are not like actively looking for friends...

Here is a thought before I get way off track... Maybe try to meet other women with your wife, her being there might relax the whole situation..
I am Jill 23 Lesbian in the middle of a Poly relationship
Renee late 30s bi female married
Mark mid 40s husband bi
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Old 11-23-2014, 11:20 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,766

Hi exozune,

Don't be irritated with your wife for getting lots of hits when you don't get any; it's nobody's fault, it's just something that happens a lot. I can't tell you how many times I've heard of a poly/open situation where the gal was getting lots of offers but the guy wasn't getting any. I don't know how to explain the discrepancy, but I know it's a thing and it happens a lot.

That said, and I know your wife is new at poly so this isn't exactly her fault either, but she's giving you bad advice when she tells you to fib. Don't be irate with her but don't follow that bad advice either. I think OKCupid is your go-to site for finding a good match, though again the gals always seem to get (a lot) more hits than the guys so you're going to have to be patient.

Since you're operating at a disadvantage, I wouldn't rule out getting acquainted with local poly people in your area -- which basically means joining a local poly group and participating in their get-togethers. If you google "polyamory" with the name of your State or nearest major city, some local poly groups may spring up.

I can provide additional tips and links if you're interested.
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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