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  #11  
Old 10-19-2011, 03:53 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Oldguy,

Unlike you I had a very brief poly experience and came to it with some reluctance. Married and mono for 15yrs ...but I know exactly what you're talking about ... most of the time it was subtle seldom has been in your face. In general I felt that there was this sense that "we" poly people are more enlightened....higher evolved....really really in touch with themselves emotionally, with excellent communication skills, and a very highly evolved intuitive abilities, etc. These intuitive gifts allow them to know how and what you 're feeling maybe even before you do....truly a great gift to have. The poor knuckle dragging mono guy just doesn't get it...he's been so indoctrinated by society and modern civilization he just can't see the light..the truth...the infinite love and beauty of it all. Poor dumb fuck...pet him on the head and check to see if his nose feels wet and cold.


I think I've read on here several times that ....poly people have higher IQ's and are higher educated or hold more advanced degrees or something along those lines. I'm not sure of what the context of those comments was at the time ....and I have no way to prove or disprove that statement ....but I think it speaks to the notion of some sort of mental superiority.
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  #12  
Old 10-19-2011, 10:35 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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There has been some of that mono bashing here and I hear it in my own community too. Its common for people who have "found the light" to think anyone who isn't interested or isn't aware of what they have discovered as less enlightened some how or ignorant. I think it's a way us humans justify and find pride in what we have discovered about ourselves. Its a way of coming to terms with the adversity from the outside world that can come with that also.

Usually it's a newbies and a certain characteristic of person that has the attitude that monogamy is full of crap and those that practice it are less elightened. Something along the lines of what GS said.

I invite you to do a search here in the search engine for our most utilized tag; "mono/poly" there are many many stories and thoughts that have passed by this way. Its a topic near and dear to me as I live with a poly man and a mono one. I think that anyone who comes here ready to promote poly as the one true way usually gets a run for their money. Not to many of the regulars are willing to let someone go un-challenged if they believe poly is better than mono and should be thought of as such.
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  #13  
Old 10-21-2011, 12:38 AM
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I initially came to this board as poly and then recently declared myself monogamous. That decision was well received here but I have felt what you speak of in groups irl. I'd been involved in the kink community and very few people were mono and it was/is often looked down upon. I'd felt a lot of pressure to be poly in that community and finally decided that I had to decide for myself. It is frustrating when people act like they're more enlightened or superior because they're poly. I know, however, having been on both sides that many poly people are made to feel like they're less than by the society at large. So it goes both ways. I hope in the future this problem dies down and acceptance on all sides becomes the norm.
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  #14  
Old 10-21-2011, 01:46 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hmm. Interesting topic. I hope I don't come off as sounding superior, but I do feel privileged. I think there's a definite privilege in belonging to a minority, especially if you are also able to pass with the mainstream people as one of them. I feel privileged being a woman, bisexual, poly, multi-racial... Then again, I do think all of the above self-IDs involve a great amount of choice. Not for all people, but I have luckily not been born with an inability to be happy in monogamous relationships.

I feel it's a tremendous gift to be able to observe life from both sides and have empathy for both: mono/poly, straight/gay, white/other... You can see the good and the bad in both, and identify with both communities without feeling you need to declare once and for all for just one group and cause.
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  #15  
Old 10-21-2011, 03:13 PM
OldGuy OldGuy is offline
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Quote:
I know, however, having been on both sides that many poly people are made to feel like they're less than by the society at large. So it goes both ways. I hope in the future this problem dies down and acceptance on all sides becomes the norm.
I've been hassled for being poly in the past, so I get what you are saying.

It is my personal opinion that any minority group that has dealt with prejudice in the past, should learn from their experiences and recognise the damage that this attitude can do. Unfortunately, I've mostly seen a "not so different you and I" attitude.

On a more positive note, most of the teens that live around my area are pretty open-minded from a sexual standpoint, relative to their parent's attitudes anyway. This has lead to some awkward conversations. I don't know if it's the same where any of you guys live (hopefully it is), but I think that people are slowly becoming more open, which couldn't hurt.

Quote:
I hope I don't come off as sounding superior, but I do feel privileged. I think there's a definite privilege in belonging to a minority, especially if you are also able to pass with the mainstream people as one of them. I feel privileged being a woman, bisexual, poly, multi-racial... Then again, I do think all of the above self-IDs involve a great amount of choice. Not for all people, but I have luckily not been born with an inability to be happy in monogamous relationships.
I'm actually pretty interested by this: Why do you feel privileged? A different perspective or what?

I'm bi, poly, and multi-racial too, although I lack your womanliness. I've always just felt like another cow on the cattle farm tbh; maybe that's not a very healthy attitude.

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I feel it's a tremendous gift to be able to observe life from both sides and have empathy for both: mono/poly, straight/gay, white/other... You can see the good and the bad in both, and identify with both communities without feeling you need to declare once and for all for just one group and cause.
Agreed. Just replace the word "both" with "all".
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  #16  
Old 10-21-2011, 07:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OldGuy View Post
I'm actually pretty interested by this: Why do you feel privileged? A different perspective or what?

I'm bi, poly, and multi-racial too, although I lack your womanliness. I've always just felt like another cow on the cattle farm tbh; maybe that's not a very healthy attitude.
Hey, what's wrong with cows? Yeah, mostly different perspective. It's interesting to hear people relaxed and chatting about the "other" group when they think everyone listening is one of "them". And I think it's increased my compassion all around, too, for different perspectives.

Let's moo away together!
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  #17  
Old 10-22-2011, 04:46 PM
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neegoola neegoola is offline
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thank you for this thread :-)

i haven't read the whole of it (but in that way i never post, "just" keep on reading!) so it could be that i repeat someone else words:

IMO there is the very frequent attitude of being against something instead of fondly realizing and "building up" something;
in other words: those who are not "able" making ones' own circumstances shine, try to demolish others' circumstances.
poly-ego-proud-minds don't know that they are already there :-)
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  #18  
Old 11-06-2011, 03:51 AM
UnwittinglyPoly UnwittinglyPoly is offline
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Aside from what everyone else has noted, I think a part of it may also be the fact that, when things are boiled down to the least common denominator, monogamy in general--not always, but I can argue for the vast majority of cases--is rooted in fear, jealousy, insecurity and other unhealthy aspects of the human psyche. Naturally, when someone overcomes these types of unhealthy things, those who refuse to release the death grip they have on such things do in fact seem to be less enlightened or evolved in some way, the same way people who accept others regardless of race feel about those who hold tightly to racism out of fear, ignorance, etc. Rightly so? Possibly. But that doesn't justify in-your-face behavior. Just food for thought.

Last edited by UnwittinglyPoly; 11-06-2011 at 04:55 AM.
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  #19  
Old 11-06-2011, 04:55 AM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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OldGuy raised an excellent point. I'm black and it baffles me when other black people marginalize gays. Were we not fighting the same fight roughly 40-50 years ago? My marriage would have been illegal less than a half a century ago. How can I NOT identify with their struggle?

Getting off track. Anyway, just because you've felt judged at one point doesn't mean you should pass those bad feelings along. And I think if people struggle with the realization that they're poly, when they finally get there they find a sense of relief and elation and want to pass that along.
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  #20  
Old 11-06-2011, 06:57 AM
OldGuy OldGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnwittinglyPoly View Post
Aside from what everyone else has noted, I think a part of it may also be the fact that, when things are boiled down to the least common denominator, monogamy in general--not always, but I can argue for the vast majority of cases--is rooted in fear, jealousy, insecurity and other unhealthy aspects of the human psyche. Naturally, when someone overcomes these types of unhealthy things, those who refuse to release the death grip they have on such things do in fact seem to be inferior or less evolved in some way, the same way people who accept others regardless of race feel about those who hold tightly to racism out of fear, ignorance, etc. Rightly so? Possibly. But that doesn't justify in-your-face behavior. Just food for thought.
That's where personal bias gets in the way IMO. I'll explain...

If I talk to mono couples about certain unhealthy non-mono couples, many of them will focus on the usual clichés (poor impulse-control, extreme need for external validation and lack of independence etc.). Non-monogamy's fault. And if non-monogamy works...well, you just got lucky.

Likewise, when I talk to non-mono couples about certain unhealthy mono couples I know, they will than utilise their own clichés (fear, jealousy, insecurity, control freak personality etc.). Monogamy's fault. And if monogamy works...well, you just got lucky.

It's easy to use these scapegoats, and healthy relationships tend to get ignored. But when it comes down to it, unhealthy relationships are unhealthy relationships, and many of them should never have existed in the first place (Captain Hindsight). Unhealthy people are unhealthy people and naturally have unhealthy relationships. And IMO, it's less about monogamy vs non-monogamy (which is the most prevalent and overly-simplistic attitude that I've encountered, unfortunately), and more about the dichotomy of healthy and unhealthy mindsets, and how these mindsets relate to relationships in general.

I suppose I just think that people tend to gravitate towards unrealistic conclusions when it comes to issues such as this. People and relationships are rarely so black and white. I'd actually be a good example of this: I have never been afraid that my wife would leave me, I've never been jealous and I've never really been insecure about myself. So I must be an emotionally mature person right? Nope; I pretty have much no ego, and a non-existent competitive drive. That's what makes poly so easy for me.

Quote:
OldGuy raised an excellent point. I'm black and it baffles me when other black people marginalize gays. Were we not fighting the same fight roughly 40-50 years ago? My marriage would have been illegal less than a half a century ago. How can I NOT identify with their struggle?
People just don't care. Most people anyway. Apathy.

Last edited by OldGuy; 11-06-2011 at 07:06 AM.
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