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  #11  
Old 10-21-2011, 06:14 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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What happens in May if you don't meet anyone you want a relationship with?

The thing to remember is: it's not a race. Just because one spouse has an additional significant other, does not mean that the other spouse has to run out and go find one right away. I've known people who didn't find a girlfriend or boyfriend until two years after their spouse did.

You said in your first post that you want a girlfriend to "balance the situation." Well, how crummy it would feel if someone I met was only interested in seeing me just to "even the score" with his wife. No! I want someone who wants to be with me because he enjoys my company, is totally turned on by being around me, and wants to know me better.

Don't worry about finding a girlfriend just to make sure you have as many toys as your wife does. Go out and socialize, meet people, see who you click with, enjoy getting to know other folks. As far as OKCupid not working yet - man, you only just joined! It could be weeks or months before you get any messages. Be patient.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #12  
Old 10-21-2011, 12:24 PM
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About OKCupid: I feel your OKC pain, my husband has had a difficult time, but I have encouraged him to message many women, understanding that only some will be interested enough to reply. Being upfront about being poly on there is the best thing to do! Kudos! You would hate to lead someone on and waste yours and her time.

Also it has been my experience that many of the OKC girls are pretty defensive about the whole thing. "You can message me if: You don't mention my pictures, you leave the perfect message, if you are completely perfect in every way" Ok, not that bad, but sometimes they can be. I am on there too, but I have had a wonderful time meeting guys, much easier. Just keep in mind that not everyone will be alright with a poly guy. In fact you could do a keyword search for "poly" and see what members pop up, then message them just for conversation (my husband did this and has a few girls who love chatting with him).

NYCindie is right, you are a OKC newbie, give it time! Also, make sure you are putting in an effort to send out many messages. It is like fishing, the more lines you have in the water the better chance you have at catching something (I think).
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  #13  
Old 10-21-2011, 01:03 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IrisAwakened View Post
NYCindie is right, you are a OKC newbie, give it time! Also, make sure you are putting in an effort to send out many messages. It is like fishing, the more lines you have in the water the better chance you have at catching something (I think).
This, and also, maybe your profile sucks and you havent answered many questions?
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  #14  
Old 10-21-2011, 02:02 PM
vigda vigda is offline
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Smile wife thanks you

My wife read your post and appreciated it. I am still conflicted but will go forward and try and meet new friends. It is all so new and really hard to get my arms around it.
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  #15  
Old 10-21-2011, 03:45 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vigda View Post
My wife read your post and appreciated it. I am still conflicted but will go forward and try and meet new friends. It is all so new and really hard to get my arms around it.
Sounds like you're headed in the right direction.
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  #16  
Old 10-22-2011, 01:53 PM
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IrisAwakened IrisAwakened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Sounds like you're headed in the right direction.
Yep, that is how my husband is too, so YAY for logical acceptance but emotional confusion! I think it takes a while to reprogram that social conditioning. Just make sure you are getting what you want.

Oh and I am assuming you read the mandatory Franklin Veaux? If not, here is a link to something pertinent that I will be talking with my husband about tonight:

http://www.morethantwo.com/polytips.html

Have a great Saturday!!
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  #17  
Old 10-22-2011, 02:30 PM
vigda vigda is offline
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Smile Thankyou for the link

It was a great read. I am getting more into opening myself to another relationship and actually have my first meeting with someone else scheduled.

What is unexpected is that my wife is not comfortable with my exploring for someone else. She wants to know why I need more than her. I guess I wouldn't if we were both being monogamous. However, I think having another love interest like she has will be exciting and fun.

Have you had the experience of your husband going out and exploring? If yes how did it feel?
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  #18  
Old 10-22-2011, 04:39 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by vigda View Post
What is unexpected is that my wife is not comfortable with my exploring for someone else. She wants to know why I need more than her. I guess I wouldn't if we were both being monogamous. However, I think having another love interest like she has will be exciting and fun.
Certainly you can have a situation where one person is poly and the other is mono, but it has to be by the choice and inclination of the mono person. From my observations here, it seems like most people with a poly partner embrace poly themselves to various extents.

Why should you need someone aside from her? That seems like a rather hypocritical thing for her to ask... she's with someone else aside from you, so she *must* understand how you can love one person and still want another. I suppose it bothers her because she wants a specific person whereas you're more generically looking to date.

I and other people have pointed out that feeling like you "need" another partner to "balance" things is probably the wrong way to go. But *wanting* another partner in this situation makes all the sense in the world. After all:

- You're being shown firsthand that loving two people can work and can be beautiful.

- There'll regularly be times when she's away from you with her bf, so you'll likely have more space in your life than you did before and, possibly, less relationship-energy from her in some ways... you can fill that space with other pursuits, of course, but if you have a strong desire for romantic/sexual/partnered time, another partner could give you that.

- If some part of you is continuing to struggle with jealousy or your own worries about why she wanted someone else, having another partner of your own could help show you that there's nothing to be jealous of, and that loving two people doesn't mean you love either less... having that experience and knowledge could make it much easier for you to accept and understand her choice to be poly, and could indeed help you guys stay together in the long-term!

I would flip it around and ask her why she *doesn't* want you to have someone else. What is she afraid of? It sounds like she just needs to do some work of her own on her issues with jealousy and/or possesiveness. She should read some of the essays at www.morethantwo.com.
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  #19  
Old 10-22-2011, 10:53 PM
crazycanis crazycanis is offline
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Vigda,
She doesnít want you finding another partner? That is really an unfortunate request to ask of you and frankly itís extremely disrespectful and simply unfair. I agree with others, being poly/mono as a choice is one thing, but being told Ė ďyouíre not allowed to have anotherĒ, well thatís wrong. I believe poly to already be naturally unbalanced having the addition of a NO you canít find someone as well Ė thatís way too unfair. Granted none of this makes any difference if you are okay with the situation and or if you are willing to take that imbalance (which it sounds like you are not).
One thing Iíve had to face myself with this journey into Poly is the question; Can I be truly alone and be okay with that? There is no way around this simple truth concerning polyamory. So IMO, this boils down to the follow statements that you must be honest with yourself about:

1.Am I completely okay with my spouse/partner/x-friend Ė being intimate emotionally and sexually with another person?

2.Am I okay with being completely alone while my spouse/partner/x-friend is out with their secondary.

3.(specific to men but rarely for ladies) Am I prepared to handle not having nearly as many opportunities to find that special extra someone, and/or am I able to spend a significant amount of time pursing other options (this option is not always available especially for men have naturally busy life schedules potentially due to supporting a family or many other reasons).

I could include many other very important questions to ask yourself and your partner, but I wonít as many of these things are available in the resources that many have posted.

Good Luck..
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  #20  
Old 10-22-2011, 11:27 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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What's good for the gander...
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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