I'm finally saying "Hi!"

[Stonecrow]

I've been gleaning info from this forum on and off for 2+ years, and am finally taking the jump from lurker. I am a 52 yr old female in relationship a 4+ year commited relationship with K, who is a 56 yr old man with whom I had a very affectionate, caring friendship for at least 6 years before we started our relationship. He told me he was poly before we became involved, and clear discussion about it. About a year and a half in we started a fabled "unicorn" with one of his female friends, which turned into just her and K, then which blew up after a total of about 9 months. A year later, we added "D" who seemed to want to be my friend, interested in K as a love. Now over 2 years into it we are stuggling, all living in the same small house. D knew K was polyamorous and that he was my commited partner before it all started, but has never gotten comfortable with poly. I am looking forward to being able to talk out situations as they come up.

Thanks for your patience with my long winded introduction!

[opalescent]

Welcome Stonecrow!

[Stonecrow]

Thank you! I'm looking forward to getting to know people here!

[nycindie]

Hi and welcome!

Originally Posted by Stonecrow

. . . we added "D" who seemed to want to be my friend, interested in K as a love. Now over 2 years into it we are stuggling, all living in the same small house. D knew K was polyamorous and that he was my commited partner before it all started, but has never gotten comfortable with poly.

Like a spice to soup, you "added" her!

Okay, I'm assuming D is a woman. Is she a platonic friend with you or a lover to both you and K? I find it interesting that she was never comfortable with polyamory yet has stayed in the relationship for two years and even moved in! Do you know what her issues are? You say "we" are struggling, so I take that to mean all of you are, not just D. What is the focus of the struggle?

[Stonecrow]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Hi and welcome!


Like a spice to soup, you "added" her!

Okay, I'm assuming D is a woman. Is she a platonic friend with you or a lover to both you and K?

We are definitely not lovers. In fact, we have a hard time trying to have any level of friendship. Civility has been difficult. She has said that if it weren't for K, she probably wouldn't keep my company or be friends with me at all. I try to keep my mind and heart open to her, listen, try to understand her various struggles, and express mine. She can't hear me very well, though, and seems like it is a real hardship and sacrifice to her to consider my and K's relationship. So communication is quite bad. No matter how I approach it she usually becomes very defensive-turned-offensive about it.

I find it interesting that she was never comfortable with polyamory yet has stayed in the relationship for two years and even moved in! Do you know what her issues are? You say "we" are struggling, so I take that to mean all of you are, not just D. What is the focus of the struggle?

The focus of the struggle for all of us, first, is the lack of communication skills and willingness to communicate respectfully. I feel that I am willing, I try and start from a place of compassion but lose it when I am disrespected and told various things (such as when I refer to K as my partner, D, will snort and say that because of some of my current temporary life situations)* K and I don't qualify as having a partnership in her opinion.

She moved in as K's friend in need of a place to live after leaving her husband of 38 years. She lived here for about six months and we all tried to be friends, and more or less succeeded. She clearly showed some growth and ability to work on her issues after leaving her ex, and showed interest in K. Eventually, K and I agreed that we could invite her to share our bed, and she if she was interested. She definitely was, (except that she was truly interested in K's bed) and our crazy ride started. She almost immediately became firmly attached to K's hip, and began resenting any exclusive time K and I had. K likes to believe in the good of people and we both realized that the first experience of poly can take a lot of adjustment time, so we kept trying to work it and work with her. He kept thinking it would resolve to either her becoming okay and comfortable with poly or that she would realize that it was not for her and that she would leave. And of course, he fell in love with her, and he really hoped she'd get it. Well, it's over two years later, ad she's still having problems with it, and I am having problems with the way she treats me; K is totally frustrated and just wants me and her to "get our sh*t figured out," his communication around it has been awful. I'm at the point that I have tried to make peace, reach out, volunteered to compromise some of my hopes and needs, and she always wants more. I think I might be coming to the end of this for myself. It's unhealthy, I see no movement towards change, I seem unable to effect change. I am losing some of my trust in K around communication; and I feel he should be more protective of our relationship, though I know he tells D that it doesn't matter what she thinks, I am staying here as long as I want, and it's up to us to decide what our relationship is. I am starting to wonder about his boundaries in continuing in relationship with someone so ill adapted to poly for so long.

Due to my situation (see * below), I really have little for options, and my heart breaks when I think about leaving K and this house. I think I would try to get my own place once I am able, and still be open to relationship with K if he is willing. It would still be a major change in relationship with him; we have been living together in very commited relationship for over 4 years now, and I love waking up to being in the same house with him, even if it's not always the same bed.

Does anybody see any hope here? It's hard for me to see any...

Feeling pretty broken hearted.

*I am currently waiting for a SSI Disability Hearing due to severe fibromyalgia. I have no money to contribute, and little energy, though I do housework as I can (in little increments of 5-10 minutes at a time). D feels that since I am not contributing more than that, I don't have a "partnership" with K, and that I have no right to be here.

[Stonecrow]

I had a talk with K yesterday about communication problems, and what we could do about it. He is agreeable to finding some help/counselling around helping us all communicate better. I brought it up with D earlier, and she was agreeable, too. So I am feeling a bit more hopeful. We will have to find someone who is open to alternative relationships; the last thing we need is someone who is either openly or subtly judging of our situation. Is there anyone out there who has gone this route? How did you find someone who is helpful? I would hope that any truly professional counselor would be able to put their own opinions aside and keep it separate from their professional work. But I have gone to counseling for depression issues, and I met some who are not at all comfortable with my non-Christian religious orientation, so I have no doubt there will be some who wouldn't be comfy with poly relationships.

K and I also talked about subtle differences in phrasing, especially between me and D. From a compassionate viewpoint, I know she is having a really hard time with our situation, and as a result is very sensitive and easily feels defensive about anything that could be taken as criticism. I'm definitely going to try to rethink anything I am trying to say to make it as non threatening as possible.

Here's to persistence!!!

[AnnabelMore]

She sounds like what they call a "cowgirl"... a woman who enters a poly relationship with the intent of "roping" their new partner away into mono-land.

Her derision towards you for something you can't control is so unsettling and NOT ok... it's pretty messed up that K doesn't seem to see that. She's exactly wrong, in that a partnership means you stick with each other even when the going gets rough, so the fact that you and K are still together despite your condition means you DO have a partnership! Would she abandon him or no longer consider him a partner if he got sick??? Ugh.

It's one thing to want to believe that everyone has good inside them, but that doesn't mean everyone is ready to be a good partner. I think K would do well for all involved to tell her to shape up or ship out... or maybe just to ship out.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Stonecrow

We will have to find someone who is open to alternative relationships; the last thing we need is someone who is either openly or subtly judging of our situation. Is there anyone out there who has gone this route? How did you find someone who is helpful? I would hope that any truly professional counselor would be able to put their own opinions aside and keep it separate from their professional work. But I have gone to counseling for depression issues, and I met some who are not at all comfortable with my non-Christian religious orientation, so I have no doubt there will be some who wouldn't be comfy with poly relationships.

There are poly-friendly professionals, and many who specialize in alternative lifestyle counseling are also a good bet.

Some links for you:
Polychromatic: Poly-Friendly Professionals.

Loving More's List of Poly-Friendly Professionals.

Psychology Today: Find a Therapist. With this one, you can select "Relationship Issues" after you narrow it down for your zip code.

[Stonecrow]

Thank you both for responding!

I have had the sense from early on that D might fit the profile of 'cowgirl', and I expressed my concerns to K around that. His opinion was that whether she intended to break he and I up or not, we are the ones that ultimately control that, and that she'd eventually figure out that he's not going to leave me for her, and then she'd have to make her decision wheter to get used to poly or leave because it doesn't work for her. Forever the optimist, K keeps hoping she'll make a breakthrough. He does see that her derision about me around my condition is totally inappropriate, and defends me vigorously when she says anything directly. The difficult thing is that she's given to little sideways barbs, which K also calls her on. If K's support wasn't there, I'd be gone already.

I was also feeling hopeful the past few months that she was owning up to poly not working for her as she was talking about doing a campground hostess stint way from here, and so she would be essentially taking a break to figure out how she felt being alone (which she never did after leaving her ex). She was also thinking of going south for the winter in her RV. But she recently announced that she really still wants to live with K and isn't going anywhere without him. So we're back to square one.

Thank you, Nycindie, for the links!! I will definitely take a look!
I'm really glad I started posting. I have been following this forum long enough to know what a great bunch of people you are!!

[Stonecrow]

Oops! I appologize for my poor proofreading!!!