Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 10-14-2011, 06:21 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497
Default

You're totally doing the thing. You know, the one women with hots/crushes on men do, where they don't want to see anything wrong with the guy and everything is the fault of the other woman (his wife/his ex/whatever). You do not have his contact information. That's her fault, because she doesn't want you to have it. It's equally his fault because he's either too afraid to disagree with her or doesn't want you to have it that badly, anyway. And it's your fault, because your expecting to get more out of this than they're willing to give, and instead of drawing your own boundaries and sticking to them you're blaming it on the wife. I wouldn't be so harsh, but you did call her a bitch, so...

Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
If She is jealous or resentful or feeling negative about it, shouldn't she just cut it off?
If you're feeling negative about it, shouldn't you then, by your own logic, cut it off?

I agree with SourGirl, she doesn't owe you anything. If your needs aren't being met, you need to do something about it.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 10-14-2011, 06:32 PM
OpenandCountry OpenandCountry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Greater DC metro area
Posts: 101
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post


If you're feeling negative about it, shouldn't you then, by your own logic, cut it off?

I agree with SourGirl, she doesn't owe you anything. If your needs aren't being met, you need to do something about it.
hmm...good point. The wife shouldn't be passive aggressive with you, but she is going through a major life change right now, and you also have the power to disconnect yourself from the situation.
__________________
Bisexual, Hinge of a Vee with a mono boyfriend and poly husband.

Last edited by OpenandCountry; 10-14-2011 at 06:35 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 10-14-2011, 07:10 PM
SourGirl's Avatar
SourGirl SourGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: South of an Igloo, North of a Desert.
Posts: 885
Default

2 out of 5 of my pregnancies, I wore clothing I thought looked fab at the time, but hideous afterwards.
- Detested foods I normally loved.
( 5 out of 5 times.)
- Listened to different music then I normally ever would. (4 out of 5 times)
- Put up with peoples crap, when I normally wouldnt, or vice versa. (everytime)

Afterwards when all the 'baby-crack' was out of my system, I really looked back and was in awe of the alien I became during that time. I had one instance where I cried in a restaurant, because the person who made my chicken burger, put the toppings underneath the burger, rather then on top. I just kept sniffling ' Thats why,..they,..are,..called,..toppings, not bottomings.'

My husband and I, are pretty darn open, have been for many years, but I think if he took on a girlfriend while I was preggers, I would of snapped like a twig. When pregnancies, and fears for a babys survival are about, it changes your outlook. You can feel very alone in the universe. Every bit of support a partner can give, matters.

Sometimes you see people where the father to be, wont drink alcohol during the pregnancy because his wife cant, or wont do other things that they would normally do together. Someone can get their maternal briefs in a twist, and think its all co-dependency, but really it can just be support, like jogging a marathon to support someone in need.

So I would urge the OP that if she cant be a tad more compassionate, or at least find some type of positive outlook, then get out now.
Its only going to become MORE about the baby, not less in the months to come. She is going to need his input MORE when he can finally help with the actual baby. There is no compersion in knowing the father of your child, is off bonking the new chick, while you are at home with another sleepless night, deciding which way to breastfeed for the 20th attempt.

Last edited by SourGirl; 10-14-2011 at 07:14 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 10-14-2011, 07:30 PM
Carma's Avatar
Carma Carma is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478
Default

I'd be concerned about a guy who lets his wife be the gatekeeper. How is he reacting to things? Is he ok with the way things are?

Are you willing to remain in a polyamorous relationship with this couple, or are you a cowgirl? Whoa there, sister! Be careful. They have a baby to think about.

I was crazy over the first guy who gave me an orgasm. (I was 30!) Then I discovered, he wasn't exclusively magical -- showerheads and vibrators and, eventually, other men, were capable of producing the same effect. There are lots of stimulators in the the sea...
__________________
Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 10-15-2011, 02:47 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,414
Default

Cranberry,
I think it's time you stood up for yourself and broke it off. You don't need either one of them in your life. The dictator wife who will only allow you to be with her husband on her terms, never alone, unable to even talk or email him privately, and belittling you when you express your needs. And her ineffectual, weak husband who happened to get you off but does nothing else to treat you like someone who is cared about. You, always feeling dismissed, discarded, disrespected and inconsequential to both of them.

Who needs that bullshit? Time to let go of them and get yourself a life.

There are loving people out there with less issues -- or at least issues that won't damage your spirit or esteem -- who would welcome you into a relationship in a nurturing healthy and fulfilling way. But sometimes, those new doors won't open until you close the old ones.

Snap out of it!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 10-15-2011, 01:50 PM
CranberryStardust CranberryStardust is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 33
Default

1) I don't need pregnancy explained to me...I have a child.

2) The impression that I get is that she does feel jealous or left out, but doesn't want him to be miserable with the lack of sex in the relationship
, so she is just tolerable enough to keep me around to help HER husband get off. I feel used, just like I did before.

3) I don't think she owes me anything but some common decency and respect. To not act indifferent as if I am just any other little slut off the street with mediocre sex to offer. If they have other options I wish they would explore them and I intend to tell her that. I don't go into any relationship regarding the other person(s) involved as objects. I treat them as friends, no matter what the sexual dynamic is.

Example: I told her (since, remember, can't talk to him) that I felt like I tastes different and I felt weird about it. She asked me how I tasted myself, I told her and then asked if he had said anything about it. She didn't say anything for two hours, so o finally just said, "I guess that's a yes..." She responds, "oops was taking my kid to school Haha". Ummm...OK, so you take the time to text back but still don't answer the damn question? Its almost like she enjoys me feeling insecure...but how is that supposed to make me want to come over and be intimate with him?

I am just sick of her power trip. Its not my fault She can't fuck her husband.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 10-15-2011, 01:59 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,239
Default

In all this time, have you once said to the guy "Hey, can I get your number?" or to the girl "Hey, would it bother you if I asked [husband's name] for his number?"

If not, why not?
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 10-15-2011, 02:11 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,414
Default

Why do you stay?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 10-15-2011, 02:32 PM
CranberryStardust CranberryStardust is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 33
Default

I guess I stay because the sex is so good. And its safer than having sex with a single guy with whom I might get too involved or who might hurt me.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 10-15-2011, 02:34 PM
Carma's Avatar
Carma Carma is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478
Default

Wait -- so you were asking her if you taste different than she does, and if he has mentioned anything to her about that, right? Were you wondering if he compared the two, or if you taste "okay"? Did HE say anything to YOU about it?

I would be curious to hear what others have to say about the taste subject. I am a straight female, so I wouldn't know, personally!

I am also curious -- does HE have YOUR number? Or does everything have to go through her, exclusively? Basically, she is the pimp -- ? He can't even make his own booty calls?

You are more than just a sex toy. It's not right to be used that way. You can do much more than just get her husband off. You are a lovely person with love to give. It sounds like you were open to giving love to BOTH of them, too -- so it is a shame that they are only interested in one thing you have to offer. If you want to do that, honey, go get paid for it! If you want to give more of yourself, you may have to look elsewhere, for some people who are capable and willing to give you the respect you deserve.
__________________
Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
casual sex, secondary, swinging, unicorn, unicorns

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:27 PM.