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  #1  
Old 10-14-2011, 12:56 PM
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Dreamweaver Dreamweaver is offline
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Default Extremely Frustrated

Hi all I have been on this board for a bit and thought its time to take the leap and reach out as I have read a bit here and know there is a whole world of like minded people that think like me. I have been married for 12 years and we met as a ffm trio. J and I decided to get married and move back to Toronto leaving x there. We were younger and got into swinging and a few ffm threesomes. We have also been into a few mmf threesomes. Long story short there are a lot of egos and crap in the swinging lifestyle and not alot of caring so we stopped swinging.

For the last two years J has been turned off sex and I have been very patient. She has encouraged me to find a lover and have replied to ads for us but most are either swingers or appealed by us being married and me having a lover. J has had a few lovers but she seems happy with us finding a lover and friend.

We have no issues with being with another couple as friends and lovers but J does not want to interact and this displeases others.

Sorry for the long intro but I have a lot more to say and I will start a blog as I like to write. I can put a lot into my words creating fictional scenarios but for now I am gonna listen to your feedback and please give us some input.

Maybe a triad with another couple where the lady is shared would perhaps be best for now?
I have a 60's mindset of sharing and caring although I am drug and alcohol free. I do however believe in peace and love and giving.

Anyway thanks for letting me join here and I will be posting more.
JnP
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  #2  
Old 10-14-2011, 07:52 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dreamweaver View Post
Hi all I have been on this board for a bit and thought its time to take the leap and reach out as I have read a bit here and know there is a whole world of like minded people that think like me. I have been married for 12 years and we met as a ffm trio. J and I decided to get married and move back to Toronto leaving x there.
So you're a guy, you had 2 gfs, J and X, dumped X, got married to J, and moved to Toronto with her. I'm not confused yet.

Quote:
We... got into swinging...

For the last two years J has been turned off sex and I have been very patient. She has encouraged me to find a lover and have replied to ads for us
Now I am confused. She is off sex but she is replying to ads for sex, which are seeking a sexual partner for you? She doesn't want sex, so why is she replying to the ads? Why isn't that your job?

Quote:
but most are either swingers or appealed by us being married and me having a lover. J has had a few lovers...
But I thought she was "off sex?"

Quote:
...but she seems happy with us finding a lover and friend.
A sex partner for you who may become a friend for her? She doesn't want sex, you say. Do you mean she just doesn't want sex with you? Or she would have sex with you if another partner was also in the bed? How do you feel about that?

A new lover for you is under no obligation to become friends or lovers with J.

Quote:
We have no issues with being with another couple as friends and lovers but J does not want to interact and this displeases others.
Well yeah. You're the one who wants sex and romance with others. J can seek friends outside of the dating community. On her own. Not with singles and couples who want sex/romance.


Quote:
Maybe a triad with another couple where the lady is shared would perhaps be best for now?
How could you sexually "share" her if J doesn't want sex?

My advice, for as far as I understand it now, is to stop thinking as "we" and start acting as individuals. You want sex with others... go get it. J wants some new non-sexual friends, go get 'em, J.

J can join ok cupid and just write in her profile she is seeking friends. Or she can meet them in real life through hobbies, work, volunteering, etc.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
my bf: Ginger, 61, married to:
Robin, 60 (mono)
and dating (NRE): Carla and David, married couple, early 40s
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  #3  
Old 10-14-2011, 11:41 PM
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Dreamweaver Dreamweaver is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
So you're a guy, you had 2 gfs, J and X, dumped X, got married to J, and moved to Toronto with her. I'm not confused yet.
Yes I am a guy. I did not have 2 girlfriends all 3 of us J, X and myself lived together, as one unit under the same roof.


Now I am confused. She is off sex but she is replying to ads for sex, which are seeking a sexual partner for you? She doesn't want sex, so why is she replying to the ads? Why isn't that your job?
I do reply but she puts her inputs as she is a part of my life I cant lie and say I am single when I am married. ( Well I won"t anyway or should I)


But I thought she was "off sex?"

She is not interested in sex


A sex partner for you who may become a friend for her? She doesn't want sex, you say. Do you mean she just doesn't want sex with you? Or she would have sex with you if another partner was also in the bed? How do you feel about that?

I feel fine with her having sex of any kind but she does not want sex with anyone period!

A new lover for you is under no obligation to become friends or lovers with J.
I never said I wanted a new lover to be J's friend


Well yeah. You're the one who wants sex and romance with others. J can seek friends outside of the dating community. On her own. Not with singles and couples who want sex/romance.

She has friends outside of the dating/sex scene



How could you sexually "share" her if J doesn't want sex?

I said I had no problem sharing her whether she wants to or not is up to her. As it stands she doesn't.

My advice, for as far as I understand it now, is to stop thinking as "we" and start acting as individuals. You want sex with others... go get it. J wants some new non-sexual friends, go get 'em, J.

I am getting to this point but find it hard meeting people due to the fact that when I mention I am married I get the rejections and all the other crap for being married and labeled as a cheater
.

J can join ok cupid and just write in her profile she is seeking friends. Or she can meet them in real life through hobbies, work, volunteering, etc.
I have no clue what ok cupid is?

Last edited by Dreamweaver; 10-14-2011 at 11:49 PM.
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  #4  
Old 10-14-2011, 11:45 PM
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Dreamweaver Dreamweaver is offline
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deleted double post

Last edited by Dreamweaver; 10-14-2011 at 11:46 PM. Reason: double post
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  #5  
Old 10-20-2011, 03:54 PM
crazycanis crazycanis is offline
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Dreamweaver,

Your last point in the above list, that is pretty much what I'm dealing with. While my wife had no problems locating a boyfriend and a girlfriend I am. I've been using (6 months) several online and local resouces to find a female partner and I've come up with nothing. I've gone on a few dates via OkCupid with people who are 95% matched but when we've met it is clear they are not okay with "dating" a married man whether or not my spouse is okay with it. So they view it just as meeting people. Personally I've become extremely frustrated by this and find that the process of looking for a quality partner takes too much time away from my other responsibilites with no payoff. Sounds like you've been experiencing similar things. Thoughts? Suggestions from the community?
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  #6  
Old 10-20-2011, 04:17 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dreamweaver View Post
I have no clue what ok cupid is?
It's a very poly-friendly dating site: www.okcupid.com. People use it for dating OR finding friends & "activity partners." It's very popular among poly peeps.

And it's free! If you join, make sure you go into your settings and select that your profile is only visible to members who are logged in, otherwise it will be visible to anyone on the internet.
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  #7  
Old 10-23-2011, 04:26 PM
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Dreamweaver Dreamweaver is offline
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Default Hi crazycanis

Yes its seems like its acceptable for a female to date and with men its "cheating bastard". I know some may say different.

The harsh reality is I have suffered the same and its been 2 years on trying to find someone that is at loving and understanding.

I found that when I change my status from "attached to single" things seem to work much better but a dishonesty catches up to everyone.
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  #8  
Old 10-24-2011, 04:22 AM
crazycanis crazycanis is offline
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It was suggested to me by another poly couple (poly-female / mono-male) to not where my wedding band, nor say that I'm married on online profiles. But I completely agree with you, Lying will catch up with you and the outcome won't be great. Not to mention the last thing I want to do is give more cause to people whom think poly is for cheaters and liars. Being upfront is the only ethical choice, where everyone knows what's going on - period.
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  #9  
Old 10-26-2011, 04:42 PM
Norithespider Norithespider is offline
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I have definitely found the online dating world is much less friendly to married men looking for dates than married women. I understand why your wife would be checking sites too, I also have found myself stepping in when my partner has had issues finding women online.

I agree that okcupid is a great site, I have never actually used it for dating, but I have made a ton of friends with it, which is always a better start for dating anyway. And you can never have too many RL poly friends.
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  #10  
Old 10-26-2011, 07:23 PM
bulrush bulrush is offline
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Quote:
Long story short there are a lot of egos and crap in the swinging lifestyle and not alot of caring so we stopped swinging.
Oh, that's too bad. Me and my gf are looking for a person or couple to be in a caring friendship with more. I think you are looking for the same thing. I feel for you.

I've been on Okcupid since 2006, only found one person that listed polyamory in their profile.

I don't want things to be shallow and just sexual, I want that relationship, that connection too. So to say I want a FWB, I think, misses the point. I want more than FWB.
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