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  #31  
Old 10-19-2011, 09:09 PM
Aden243 Aden243 is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
(I'm thinking of many sexual abuse survivors who may have many partners but sometimes don't like sex - they have sex to get other needs met)

I was one of these people. I'm a young gay male (25) who's out and during my university (college for the US peeps) years I slept around big time. I got myself a real reputation. I wasn't altogether too proud of it as it was near enough to actually try to get a date.

Thankfully uni was away form home so I had the luxury of moving back home to escape my "label". I have since moved back to the very city my uni was in and the label has not stuck.

A few friends have questioned my "skill" (as one person put it) and I explained the whole dark scenario to them. Each time I had sex (usually with a stranger) not only would I make it known but id also heal a little form the encounter...

Consider the fact that I was using sex to overcome the abuse i faced at the age of 10 - the pleasure I got from sex was my way of telling myself that I was not letting the abuse win!

I did come to realise however that this was a coping mechanism and was unfortunately not sustainable. I have managed to have long term relationships since, which have more than satisfied the healing process.

Within the UK the young gay scene is usually seen as sluty - to the point its almost expected - the majority of the gay dating websites in the UK are aimed at the one off chance meetings to enable people to get their rocks off.

That all being said, I knew the healing power sex had for me (even taking into account the risks I was putting myself under) but I never considered any healing power it had for the other person....

Interesting thing to consider that someone else got some good from the good they were giving me.
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  #32  
Old 10-19-2011, 09:13 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aden243 View Post
I was one of these people. I'm a young gay male (25) who's out and during my university (college for the US peeps) years I slept around big time. ...Each time I had sex (usually with a stranger) not only would I make it known but id also heal a little form the encounter...

Consider the fact that I was using sex to overcome the abuse i faced at the age of 10 - the pleasure I got from sex was my way of telling myself that I was not letting the abuse win!
Interesting your former "slutdom" had the opposite effect on you that RedPepper's did. For you, it was healing, for her, it just made her feel she was doing it for them, and hurting herself in the process.
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me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
my bf: Ginger, 61, married to:
Robin, 60 (mono)
and dating (NRE): Carla and David, married couple, early 40s
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  #33  
Old 10-19-2011, 09:17 PM
Aden243 Aden243 is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
For you, it was healing, for her, it just made her feel she was doing it for them, and hurting herself in the process.
I think as the theme seems to be going - you take from sex what you need to get out from it.

I have to be honest and true to myself though, As i was using sex as a coping mechanism (and not overcoming the issues that the abuse created) I did myself a lot of mental, emotional and very nearly physical damage.

However, as the old saying goes "Whatever gets you through the night"
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  #34  
Old 10-20-2011, 02:21 PM
47newbie 47newbie is offline
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I carefully considered responding to this post, and the topic of "Slutdom" IMHO, Slutdom is not a term exclusive to women.

Consider the following situation: The male partner in a sexual act continuing derives pleasure from his ability to bring his partner to orgasm, but refuses to allow the woman the satisfaction of doing the same for the man.

I'm not suggesting the male does not ejaculate, which is completely different from a male orgasm. Now if that man goes from partner to partner, regardless of gender, and continues the same behavior, that man is a slut!

He's a slut not because he sleeps with multiple women, his a slut because he won't give over control to the experience.

Now there are those on tis forum for whom a Fuck is a Fuck, nothing more or less, IMHO, I'm not completely sure if that is in the spirit of polyamory.

To me polyamory is loving with ones whole heart first, and sex is an bonding of those emotions and feelings with another person. In other words I can love but I don't need to have sex wth everyone I love to express those feelings.

Now I'll admit I'm new to polyamory, and it has taken me many painful, hurtful years to try to understand myself, but the term slut should not describe someones partnering practices, it really describes their limits of their sincerity to loving another.
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  #35  
Old 10-20-2011, 02:51 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Originally Posted by 47newbie View Post
I'm not suggesting the male does not ejaculate, which is completely different from a male orgasm.
Thanks for saying this. I don't think this is common knowledge out there.

I am fascinated by this aspect you pointed out. I didn't have an orgasm in my life until I was 30. It was the first time I let go, because the man seemed to be enjoying it so immensely, himself! He was the only one I could do that with (then I discovered vibrators, ha).

I never believed Sundance enjoyed giving oral sex much, even though he SAID he did (but, well, I'm finding out he's said a lot of things that aren't true).

With Butch, I had a serious hang up in the way! It was nothing to do with him, or us, it was me. In my head, the sex was for HIM. The relationship was for HIM. For his needs, for his healing, I absolutely melted into him and disappeared. I would never let myself go completely. The only pleasure in it all was in the giving.

Strangely enough, it worked. I got back like I've never gotten, in my whole life. I had WHOLE BODY orgasms. I read about Tantric later and found out, that's exactly what was happening. I was healing him, whole-heartedly, and I got healed right back. He gave equally. I could not outgive this man. He also let go of the power trip of trying to "get me off" -- what was going on between us was so much deeper, so much more profound. The French call the orgasm the "little death" -- I said I didn't want to leave him.

By not orgasming, the energy exchange was something cosmic, electrifying, and yet the deepest calm I've ever felt.

When we'd part, one of us would try and say "thank you," but it was inappropriate. I told him, "No. That wrecks it. We ARE 'thank you.' "

If you ever have a love like that, sex like that, cherish it. I actually feel funny sharing it here. It was sacred. I hope others have had it. Are having it. Will have it. It makes me realize that being called a slut, when something like this could come out of it? Is well worth it all. Sluts want to heal. They want to heal, and BE healed. Is that so wrong?
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  #36  
Old 10-20-2011, 08:57 PM
Aden243 Aden243 is offline
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Sounds like, despite all my sleeping around and "slutty" behaviour i still have lots to learn . . .
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  #37  
Old 10-20-2011, 09:11 PM
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Carma, thanks for sharing
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  #38  
Old 10-20-2011, 10:59 PM
bulrush bulrush is offline
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Hi,
I'm a guy and an American. I have noticed the problem of double standards, a guy can be a "stud" but a girl is a "slut". I never subscribed to these definitions.

Here is the definition I use:
- Slut: a person who is dishonest about dating/sleeping with multiple people. Not necessarily a girl.

- Liberated woman: someone who sleeps with all the people she wants, but is honest about it. You go, girl!

- Bimbo: girl who is, or acts, ditzy. Usually blond.

- Himbo: guy version of bimbo.

I had a roommate who had short relationships of 1-3 months. He called himself a slut, but he had other issues too, I think.

I had a friend who loved sex, and lots of it, but was always faithful to his girlfriends. He called himself a slut. (He was actually a very nice guy.)

So, I refuse to get all worked up about a made-up title. Besides, Americans are known the world over to be really uptight about sex, so why should I let them define what I should believe?
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  #39  
Old 10-21-2011, 05:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bulrush View Post
Hi,
I'm a guy and an American. I have noticed the problem of double standards, a guy can be a "stud" but a girl is a "slut". I never subscribed to these definitions.

Here is the definition I use:
- Slut: a person who is dishonest about dating/sleeping with multiple people. Not necessarily a girl.

- Liberated woman: someone who sleeps with all the people she wants, but is honest about it. You go, girl!

- Bimbo: girl who is, or acts, ditzy. Usually blond.

- Himbo: guy version of bimbo.
Haven't heard the word bimbo in a while. But you've given it your own definition that isn't quite right. It's not just an airhead; there is always a sexual connotation to the word. Traditionally, the word bimbo means "an attractive but empty-headed young woman, perceived as being a willing sex object or having loose morals." Usually calling someone a bimbo means she's attractive, dumb, and sexually promiscuous. The term is derogatory, but not as bad as "floozie," which usually means someone is a prostitute. I remember a group of guys I worked with when I was a teenager used to call this woman they knew a "cheap floozie bimbo."

As to your idea that word slut means someone who isn't honest about sleeping around, I think that's way off. Usually it's the honesty about wanting, and enjoying sex and usually being honest about having had numerous sex partners, that prompts people to label someone a slut.
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  #40  
Old 10-21-2011, 09:15 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I really think using the word slut as a derogatory slur is so outmoded! We've had a long struggle for women's rights, since the late 1800s, and certainly since the 1970s. Do we really still need a "bad" word for women who take charge of their own sexuality?

Fuck that ridiculous double standard! I reject it.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
my bf: Ginger, 61, married to:
Robin, 60 (mono)
and dating (NRE): Carla and David, married couple, early 40s
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