Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 10-18-2011, 02:15 AM
Iloveyoutwo Iloveyoutwo is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 20
Default

You make some excellent points, Derbylicious. Thanks for your input.
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 10-18-2011, 02:18 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,138
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Iloveyoutwo View Post
I'm so sorry to hear this, Magdlyn. Hang in there.
Thanks, Iloveyou.

It's kinda bumming me out that he won't even continue our burgeoning friendship. I guess I can take comfort in the fact that about 8 hours of talking with me was the trigger that pushed him into finally opening lines of communication with his wife, when 10 months of weekly therapy didn't!
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 10-18-2011, 02:21 AM
Iloveyoutwo Iloveyoutwo is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 20
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
Mags,

not self-soothe with sex from an outside partner so he doesn't have to think about or deal with it.

Just my opinion...
This would apply if he would actually HAVE sex with me. LOL The guilt has put a complete halt to that. And he's just gone back to being miserable.

Obviously any improvements made in his life have to come from him. I understand this.
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 10-18-2011, 02:47 AM
Iloveyoutwo Iloveyoutwo is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 20
Default

I have a question I would like others to ponder. This is not to open some heated, argumentative debate but a thoughtful discussion and brainstorming. I really am curious if any others have thought about this from this angle.

Why is it okay for one person to hold power over another person and withhold physical affection, in just about any form, from them and also tell them they can't get any of those needs met anywhere else; or else suffer serious consequences?

(I don't want to argue about whether or not this is the case with my bf. For argument's sake let's assume somewhere in this world there is a marriage like this.)

Let's put a different basic need in place of sex. For example: Let's say someone has a condition that requires massage therapy from someone who knows what they are doing. Would it be okay for the spouse to say, "I'm jealous of someone else rubbing your back and glutes so you can't get massages anymore or I will divorce you, but I'm not going to give you massages either."? Would he/she be "cheating" if he/she went and got the massages anyway behind the spouse's back?

Why is "cheating" and "sex" necessarily equated? There are, in fact, many different ways one can "cheat" on a relationship. (Like no longer putting any effort into it, or doing exactly the opposite of what your spouse has asked, etc, etc.)

Okay, maybe that was more than one question. Sorry. I would love to hear others' take on this.
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 10-18-2011, 05:34 AM
SourGirl's Avatar
SourGirl SourGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: South of an Igloo, North of a Desert.
Posts: 885
Default

..Because people are selfish.

In more detail : When people get scared of losing control, they get selfish. They can only see what they are losing, not what the other person might need. They lose sight of the cruelty in denying a basic right of touch, or comfort,....they only see what their fear dictates.

It`s quite sad.
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 10-18-2011, 05:57 AM
Iloveyoutwo Iloveyoutwo is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 20
Default

That's a good point. I do believe control has a lot to do with it, for sure.
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 10-18-2011, 09:59 AM
Moonglow Moonglow is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 145
Default

I loveyoutwo I have been reading your story and wanted to say a little. I think part of the problem is not just control but also of acceptance. As much as you want to help and be loving, he is not accepting of this. I had a relationship like this. It took me a good long time to say to myself, I am banging my head against this tree... why? It took me a great amount of time to move on once it was over. I guess you are doing well with accepting the situation for what it is. I do wonder what you are getting from trying to make someone happy who seems determined to be in a no win situation. While it is easy to rationalize all the reasons why, YOU know which side of the fence you live on so it makes it easier for you in a way. He can't relate to that... I was just recently in this situation and since I am on the poly side I decided I didn't like feeling guilty for one moment. I have a friend who fancies himself poly but he still acts mono to his defunct marriage. I guess I do wonder outside of physical attraction, and wanting to help and love (it sounds very frustrating, and I have been there and done that a few times in my life.) if you are serving yourself well... I mean a wall is a wall... it sounds like you are close to one anyways...
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 10-18-2011, 02:32 PM
Iloveyoutwo Iloveyoutwo is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 20
Default

Excellent points, Moonglow and good observation. I have come to realize more and more (as I've done a TON of thinking lately) that I am, in fact, banging my head against a wall. I've decided to stop. We are getting together for coffee in a couple days and I'm going to let him know, gently, that he is not obligated to pretend we are more than friends and that it's okay. We had a wonderful month last spring and I will forever cherish those memories. And, IF, at some point in the future he decides he is going to make some positive changes in his personal life then I will most likely be here for him. (I'm such a busy person I really don't see myself specifically searching for another secondary relationship right now.) We will continue to be coworkers and I will always care about him and have no problem being friendly with him.
It will be interesting to see how this conversation goes and how he responds.
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 10-18-2011, 03:47 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Iloveyoutwo View Post
It will be interesting to see how this conversation goes and how he responds.
If he's really wracked with guilt, he might be relieved.
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 10-18-2011, 04:11 PM
Iloveyoutwo Iloveyoutwo is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 20
Default

I certainly hope he will be relieved. I don't want to cause him yet MORE unpleasant feelings.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
affairs, cheating, dishonesty, new to polyamory

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:53 PM.