Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 10-13-2011, 10:50 PM
Iloveyoutwo Iloveyoutwo is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 20
Default

He is well aware of any legal action he could take, but this could very well end up with what he doesn't want; his kids being without both parents in close proximity to them and on a daily basis.

It's truly a power and control situation, bordering on domestic abuse (minus the physical violence) in my opinion. But I do not even come close to blaming her fully for this. He has allowed much of this and so needs to own up to what he can/should try to do and remedy the situation.

It's a clusterf***.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 10-13-2011, 11:08 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Fucked is definitely what it is.

I know of someone here in the same boat. Actually I hear about it all the time. It ends in desperation and then cheating almost always.

The illusion that getting married, having babies, going into debt is what will bring a relationship some strength and togetherness is absurd and stupid. I get so frustrated with the laziness of some people and then the expectation that I am in some way am suppose to feel bad for them. There were signs, they didn't observe them. There were decisions made out of being too afraid to say "no, this isn't working." Yet the person blew them off and chose to ignire them because it was easier.

My frustration comes from all the hard work I have done in my own relationships and that I am expected to just let cheating pass and be sympathetic. It makes me just want to tell people to fuck off actually. I have little patience... at least today. Sorry, its not helpful to you.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 10-13-2011 at 11:25 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 10-13-2011, 11:18 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,627
Default

Part 2, the present temptation.

(Trucker Pete, thanks for sharing the Dan Savage articles/opinions. Personally I think marriage is over-rated and a vestige of the patriarchy. Less and less people are getting married as a result of our changing culture.)

So, the current situation. A man (I'll call him X) on ok cupid messaged me last week. He actually messaged me several times before I had a chance to reply, saying he liked my attitude towards gender (as well as my eclectic tastes in general). I am genderqueer and pansexual. His profile said he was looking for friends and penpals, not sexual partners.

So, his deal: married for 12 years to a conservative, vanilla woman. X IDs as a cross-dresser, 55% male, 45% female. He has always felt he's needed to hide this from his wife and all areas of his life. He has a lot of shame around it. However, he needs to express it, and would cross dress when working from home, just enjoying his feminine side.

His wife and he never had much sex to begin with. And when they did, it was boring and bland. It seems plain intercourse was all she wanted. When he asked for a certain act once, she recoiled in disgust. She has also mocked him from time to time for his sensitive nature and his enjoyment of cooking and cleaning.

Late last year she found a couple pix he'd taken of himself in a skirt on his computer. All hell broke loose. He told me she actually thought he was going to murder him and their 2 sons, just because he's a transvestite (ever notice all the murderous trannies depicted on TV and in movies? She thought they were all that way!!)

So, right now, X had been in therapy since January this year. His therapist is educated on transgender issues. The wife refuses to learn more about his gender ID and transgender in general. They went to a marriage counselor a few times, but the counselor was equally ignorant around trans issues. So, now the wife has taken a "head in the sand" attitude and sex has also completely stopped. He hasn't even had a hug or kiss from her all year, and is dying inside from body hunger.

So, imagine his joy at meeting me! Not only fine with his gender ID, but even attracted to it. Also certain sex acts he'd love to experience, I am also into.

We havent met yet but have a date set up for next week, as friends. I told him I refuse to be a band-aid for his marriage, and he is fine with that... he knows he needs to have some deep talks about their issues with his wife and either split or get her to agree to an open relationship. I know in my heart she'd be better off without him, so she'd be free to find a "manly man" that she desires. She just wants him to go back to the way he used to present, but of course, the barn door is open, the horse is out, and there's no going back.

Of course, I do not yet know him well enough to know whether he feels strong enough to assert himself and have the hard talks. Being trans can and does have a bad impact on one's self esteem in our culture, making one very shy and self effacing.

I know I could offer B lots of sexual healing and affirmation. He brings out my nurturing side. We have other things in common besides gender issues, he's real easy to talk to and so far, I like him a lot... I long to give him hugs and cuddles at least, poor guy. (Did I mention he is quite cute? Well, he is!)

sigh... But I have firmed up my poly principles since I had the thing with J. I've told my gf about this (she's a transwoman) and she says she doesnt take such a hard line... I guess her thoughts are similar to Dan Savage's, altho she IDs as poly as well. She just doesnt want me to get burnt, have my feelings hurt, as I sometimes did, by the conflicted feelings of the previous married guy, J.

OK, you can take away my poly membership card now. Go ahead and tell me to fuck off, RP, I don't give a shit.

<flame retardant suit>
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 10-14-2011, 12:37 PM
Iloveyoutwo Iloveyoutwo is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 20
Default

Thanks for sharing, Magdlyn. I would like so much to bring this man some joy as well, but not at the expense of my own happiness. Since the guilt is hanging so heavy with him and he seems hell bent on being miserable I am going to put the ball back in his court as he works out what he needs to work out with himself. If he doesn't get it worked out, then that's his problem. In the meantime I will continue to care very much for him because I just can't help it.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 10-14-2011, 01:01 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 194
Default

It looks like he's staying for the kids, because he wants to continue to co-parent with this woman. Except for co-parenting and finances, he is not married to her in any real sense (or at least that's what he's telling you).

I say go for it. Don't get caught.

It's not poly. But that doesn't mean it's wrong.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 10-14-2011, 02:09 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,233
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleZed View Post
It looks like he's staying for the kids, because he wants to continue to co-parent with this woman. Except for co-parenting and finances, he is not married to her in any real sense (or at least that's what he's telling you).

I say go for it. Don't get caught.

It's not poly. But that doesn't mean it's wrong.
I agree on the ethical question, but like other posters have pointed out, that doesn't mean it's the right thing for the OP. If she really falls for this man, how hurtful might that be for her? She can never be out with him, lest his wife find out, she can never share in the special moments like holidays, never get to know his kids... hiding sucks.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 10-14-2011, 02:36 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 194
Default

You're right. Hiding really sucks. I will amend my statement: OP, if you're willing to put up with the inevitable heartbreak, go for it.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 10-14-2011, 02:54 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Force the issue, keep the kids despite how hard raising them alone can be...I'd say hes' hiding behind the argument that he wants them to have a mom and dad in there life to avoid the increased responsiblity...not much time to date when you are raising kids alone) and get on with his life with integrity and a new partner
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 10-14-2011, 03:01 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

I think a lot of times people find a lot of reasons not to make a change out of a basic sense of fear. Change is hard. Even when your current situation sucks ass, at least it's a KNOWN commodity. To break out on your own requires you to face the unknown... and a lot of people can't, won't, aren't able to do that.

And that's not to say I think he's "making excuses"... I'm sure those things are real concerns that need to be taken into consideration.

I also do think that you need to take all of this with a grain of salt. Like was mentioned above, one-sided stories are always just that-- and if you're hearing all of this from him and you don't even know her or have no other corroboration (friends, other people that know him and her), you really have no way of knowing how much of this is true, how much might be a fabrication and how much might be his perception of things. And our personal perceptions may be A truth of the situation, but not necessarily THE truth.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 10-14-2011, 04:35 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,627
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
I think a lot of times people find a lot of reasons not to make a change out of a basic sense of fear. Change is hard. Even when your current situation sucks ass, at least it's a KNOWN commodity. To break out on your own requires you to face the unknown... and a lot of people can't, won't, aren't able to do that.
Yes. But it can be done. I did it. I spent 10 of the last years of my marriage with a passive aggressive guy who was willing and eager to have sex with me, but had consciously made the decision to stop telling me he loved me, stopped calling me honey, stop holding my hand when we walked around in public, stopped even kissing me! He also "went on strike" (his words) as far as housework, finances, yardwork or car maintenance. I was afraid to leave my gilded cage, give up the house I'd decorated and gardens I'd lovingly planted, give up my indoor/outdoor cat, shake up my (homeschooled) kid's lives, live in an apartment on whatever alimony I could get, etc. Finally I realized I'd rather be happy in my own little apartment on a limited income, than in that house... with him. And I am happy. So happy now.

Even though we've been together almost 3 years now, my gf tells me she loves me multiple times a day. When we cuddle on the couch in the evenings watching TV and I need to get up to go get a drink or pee, she tightens her legs around me so I can't get up for a minute, snuggles me, and then lets me up and says, "Hurry back." Plus she has compersion for me around any other people I am crushing on or dating! I feel blessed, I feel lucky, but I know it's not just luck, it's my own bravery and hard work that got me to this much more contented life. We are really helping each other grow, always moving forward, not just holding grudges over the past and longing for no change.

I guess I am writing this not so much for Iloveyoutwo, as for her bf or any lurkers here who are considering divorce.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
affairs, cheating, dishonesty, new to polyamory

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:44 AM.