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  #21  
Old 10-12-2011, 09:18 PM
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It sounds to me like this all needs to be out in the open with as much honesty as possible.

If I were in your situation I would sit them both down, without the influence of alcohol or anything else and say that you have been reading up on polyamory and found it to mean that people have more than one relationship with others. Its not just about sex, but about love and caring for one another like partners do. That you see the three of you working towards that if everyone is game but will need to proceed slowly and with consideration for everyone involved to make sure everyone feels safe and part of the process. You would all need to be honest and forthcoming with how you are all doing too.

Then try a date night with each other seperately and together. Work on scheduling so that your time does not become unbalanced and go from there. I would hold off on sex until you get a routine and comfort level that is not based on fucking but on being partners to one another. Then add sex. Sexual energy can build. There is nothing wrong with that I don't think, its about appropriate timing though. Have a look at some threads here in the search engine, "unicorns" "secondaries" "secondary" "foundations" "lessons" they are all good ones to gather information on how others have failed or succeeded and what they have learned. Do your home work and get them involved with that.

Of course he might just want to fuck two women together and that's it, or have both of you as his friends with benefits. This is where honesty comes in. You will all have to decide where this is going and be sure to set your boundaries around that. If you are not okay with something, say it, and don't feel you have to do something that doesn't feel comfortable.
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  #22  
Old 10-12-2011, 10:16 PM
opalescent opalescent is online now
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Cam,

I was in a similar situation to yours. Beloved and I were together for 12 years. (We're both women.) We broke up this month. Our breakup was caused in part because of sexual issues. Our sex life had become so fraught with tension, anxiety, fear of rejection, fear of hurting each other's feelings. We couldn't find our way out of these problems.

So if there are any issues in your sex life with Jean, address them NOW before either or both of you enter into another relationship.

Which leads me to my other point. Beloved and I were non-monogamous. Non-monogamy didn't cause the breakup. However, it did highlight all of the problems in our relationship.

Non-monogamy, and maybe especially poly, will bring any and all issues you and Jean have to the surface. It may magnify any insecurities you or Jean have.

Good luck.
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  #23  
Old 10-12-2011, 10:57 PM
CamInGA CamInGA is offline
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Default Good Advice

I don't think it's just about fucking two women at once for him, in fact he has probably done that. In his younger days he worked as a bouncer at a strip club, and he's dated models, etc. so I feel very sure he has had opportunity for all that. And he's told me he's into freaky sex, whatever that means. We are all three late middle age now, and I think it's about stability, security, fun and still having new things to explore together. He and I share alot of dreams - travel, deep sea fishing, etc.

It sounds weird to talk about date night, because we all do stuff together, and with just he and I and just he and Jean, all the time. Like I said, we are in business together so there are lots of opportunities - moreso for him and Jean and for he and I, because I have another job as well plus I go to the gym all the time, so I'm not around as much. It seems really natural and organic to be with him. In fact, at times I want to touch him, hold his hand, etc. and I catch myself remembering - "Oh, this isn't that kind of a relationship!" I mean, we have held hands and stuff just in the course of life activities, but not just to hold handsin a romantic way . I do rub his hairy chest alot because I love it, and that is one thing Jean doesn't have, LOL!!! I have a hair fettish, but that's for another blog.....

I keep thinking that eventually we will all be together and the subject will come up naturally. I just hung up the phone from him calling me on his way home from work and I so wanted to say, "So, what do you think of someone dating two people seriously at the same time?" But I didn't.

Anyway, it's true that the best way to get everything out in the open is to, well, get everything out in the open. I guess it's just a question of where, when, and how. I do think I need to speak with Jean privately, first, because we are the ones with the 14 years together and I don't want her to feel blindsided or set up in any way.

Or, there is always the trip to Gatlinburg coming up, where Jean has already proposed group sex.....maybe I can take her up on that offer. I would have no idea what to do, though, never done it with more than one person. that's probably for another thread, too.......
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  #24  
Old 10-13-2011, 12:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CamInGA View Post
Or, there is always the trip to Gatlinburg coming up, where Jean has already proposed group sex.....maybe I can take her up on that offer.
Whoa! Okay, back it up a bit. Was she serious, do you think? How did this come up? Do you think it is a response to knowing how restless you have been feeling? While casual group sex is far different from developing a deep relationship with someone, it's interesting to me that she brought this up.
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  #25  
Old 10-13-2011, 12:32 PM
CamInGA CamInGA is offline
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Default Update - Had the Conversation!

Thank you all again for all your thoughts and advice. I have an update.

Last night was date night and I did, indeed, find Jean in a good mood, talkative, relaxed, and once we got home, we were catching up on Survivor for this season and just talking about anything and everything.

Somehow the subject of Danny and his health came up because he just had bloodwork done, then the conversation flow naturally went towards him. I asked her if she was attracted to him and she said yes. Then I said, do you ever think about sleeping with him? Because, if you did, I said, I would understand and maybe we could have a conversation about the possibility of that. She asked if I was saying that because it was something I wanted to do, and then the conversation took a bad turn.

She said if she cheated on me, I would be none the wiser except that she would probably break up with me first. I would never know about it. She doesn't see how if you love someone and are committed to them you can sexually desire someone else. I told her that to me, you could enjoy sex with someone you cared about without necessarily being in love with them. She said that we do not have the same morals, that I have changed - not in a good way, and then she said that she thinks I am attracted to Danny as a lover. She pointed out that he would never sleep with either of us because he respects the relationship, which is apparently more than I do.

She said I am always rubbing on him, talking to him when the three of us are out, at the business when it's not busy he and I stand in the back and chat. She said if that's something you want to pursue with him, let me know. And I said, why, so that you can break up with me? And she said, "Basically, yes."

I told her I hoped she felt secure enough in our relationship to be able to have these discussions, and I tried to smooth things over, but I think she was still really upset. She obviously thinks that this point of view makes me not a good person, and reflects bad character on my part, as well as lack of morals.

So, I will not be bringing up this topic again, and I am going to distance myself from Danny. I do not want to lose Jean over this, and with the business scenario moving full steam ahead, it is best to take a step back and do all I can to preserve the friendship of all three of us. I did mention that I thought it would be nice to have someone to share my hopes and dreams with that she doesn't share, and she kept saying, that's why you have friends (ok BlackUnicorn, you were right on that point).

Clearly, like swinging, this lifestyle isn't for everyone. Although I was personally open to exploring it, Jean was not, so I'm going to let all this go and you probably won't be hearing much from me again. But so many of you offered advice, caring, guidance, etc. that I did want to thank you all for that. I am very resiliant and things will work out for me one way or another.
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  #26  
Old 10-13-2011, 12:53 PM
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Oh, I'm sorry it didn't go well. But do please check in occasionally and let us know how it's going. Best of everything to you!
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  #27  
Old 10-13-2011, 04:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CamInGA View Post

... I asked her if she was attracted to him and she said yes. Then I said, do you ever think about sleeping with him? Because, if you did, I said, I would understand and maybe we could have a conversation about the possibility of that...

...she doesn't see how if you love someone and are committed to them you can sexually desire someone else.

...She obviously thinks that this point of view makes me not a good person, and reflects bad character on my part, as well as lack of morals.
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. She's close minded, AND a hypocrite! She herself admitted to finding him attractive, which means desirable, in my book.

And YOU are bi. Of course you're going to find people of both (or all) genders attractive. Quite often, when we find another person attractive, a sexual fantasy/scenario will rise in our heads, however unbidden.

This is so sad.
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  #28  
Old 10-13-2011, 08:11 PM
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Can I just suggest that she has thought about this in terms of her having sex with him and you also and realized how jealous/envious she would likely feel? Some people, MOST people are not willing to feel jealousy because it is too scary... it isn't something that we are used to feeling and people usually try and avoid it.

I would suggest that if this is important to you (and him!) that you keep at it... try again and tell her about poly... that we exist and it is possible. Give her some education... not yet maybe as she is sounded threatened, but in time. As I said, it all takes time. This is part of that time. There is a huge part of your life left and it is healthy to move towards change.

If keeping at talking about this means you and her are done, then that is how things go sometimes... the thing is you could be done just by virtue of the fact that now you have to sit on your loving and bonding thoughts with this man. What do you have to lose in this? Nothing! Which is a more healthy route? TALKING ABOUT IT! Its out now and you have started a path.

I realize that it is scary and you are concerned. After all, everything you know is being threatened right now. Be gentle with yourself and allow things to normalize every time this comes up... each time will move you closer to what is meant to be...

*hugs* good luck
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