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  #11  
Old 10-12-2011, 05:53 AM
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I was married to a woman for a time. She is still a huge love in my life. The love didn't end, our paths together did. We are still close.

I met my now husband the way you describe. I now live with him and another man and we raise our child together. I have another boyfriend and a girlfriend as well. Things change, growth happens, people come and go, but it isn't necessary to "get rid" of people because their journey is going on a different path. That is the beauty of poly relationships... they can last beyond the standard "we are together" "we are not together." Its all a matter of creating what works for everyone and actively loving/supporting/caring/living together for as long as you see it is beneficial.

I started talking to J (my then wife) before talking to PN about opening our marriage up as I felt I was non-monogamous. Her and I discussed what it could all mean, what we could gain, what we could lose. She agreed to me talking to him about it and I did one night with her there. He was in agreement that we should see how it went and we tried being a triad for a time. It turned out my wife was going along with it all for me and was pushing herself to be something she is not. On the night we all ended up in bed together she broke down and could not go forward with anything sexual so she said she would leave while we did... It wasn't a good idea. She was really distraught and angry afterwards. I don't even remember if PN and I actually had sex. I just remember the pain I had caused. It was baffling to me as she had agreed! Yet was visibly in more pain than I had ever seen her in before.

The anticipation of new love can over shadow reality more times than not. NRE (new relationship energy) is not the truth. Its an illusion. Respecting that as you go along and pacing yourself is what I recommend... talking about it as a first step is actually the easy part... what follows can never be the same. I learned that that night. I was in la la land and was not following my gut and not seeing how I was causing someone pain.

I would make sure you know exactly what you are giving up as there is no turning back once the "poly talk" has happened. He could just be fine as a good friend... or maybe not. It could be the best thing that ever happened to both of you or a disaster. The thing is that if you are even here asking how to talk about it, you have likely chosen to take the leap. Good luck!
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  #12  
Old 10-12-2011, 03:47 PM
CamInGA CamInGA is offline
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Red face Interesting Propositions

You are right, BU, that I should NOT talk to Danny first. I actually realized that myself last night when I was talking to him on the phone. Jean has been sick, and he was asking about her, how she was, etc (of course she was working so he couldn't call her himself) and I realized how much he does care about her and how immoral and unloyal it would make me look in his eyes to even bring this up to him. It might end up pushing the two of them together and leaving me out in the cold.

Also - I can see how your point about the hormone rush that comes with a new relationship can be threatening to the existing relationship. Because I do get butterflies when I talk to him or am around him, and I could see how, especially sexually, that I would prefer him to her and would want to be around him all the time, making Jean feel left out and jealous.

How are we now? Well, let's see, we are close, we talk about most things, definately have friends in common. Sexual intimacy is lacking because we have very different work schedules, bedtimes, etc. so there is not alot of opportunity. I enjoy flirting and touching Danny, in fact recently Jean commented on that saying it was "weird and obvious that I want to rub on him" (i.e. I gave him a massage because he was in pain, and then a few days later offered to do another one). So I realized I need to reign myself in a little in that regard.

I think I may just say to her that it is OK with me if she wants to date Danny, and see how she reacts. At the very least, it will open up the discussion.
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  #13  
Old 10-12-2011, 04:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CamInGA View Post
I think I may just say to her that it is OK with me if she wants to date Danny, and see how she reacts. At the very least, it will open up the discussion.
That seems a little disingenuous if it's really you who wants to date him. Do you not think she'll pick up on that?

You might do better just saying you've been doing some reading and thinking about polyamory, and that Danny sprung to mind since you both have a bond with him, and aren't the possibilities interesting?
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  #14  
Old 10-12-2011, 04:24 PM
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Default Great suggestion

I like this idea......great idea. Tonight is date night for Jean and I, so maybe the opportunity will present itself. If I ply her with a few beers it can't hurt, lol! That way it is just a discussion, no need to be defensive, etc. and I can get a feeling for what she thinks about the whole notion.
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  #15  
Old 10-12-2011, 04:27 PM
CamInGA CamInGA is offline
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Default Thank You Red Pepper

I think the response from Red Pepper, who has actually lived through a similar situation, is very good and offers me alot of insights. Annabelle was also helpful, there are ways to raise the discussion in a non-threatening way, but mainly go slow and ALWAYS respect the feelings of the other person, don't let your own horny desires run all over someone else's soul.
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  #16  
Old 10-12-2011, 05:06 PM
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It's funny how you've mentioned twice that you'd like Jean to date Paul, when you're the one that really wants to!

You'd feel awful if they started shagging and you weren't shagging him, wouldn't you?

Have you both openly fantasized to each other about having sex with him?

Leave out the labels, who is a lesbian, who is straight. You both like gay sex (even if you're apparently now in the throes of Lesbian Bed Death), you personally like het sex, and J's got the hots for Danny.

TALK ABOUT IT.
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  #17  
Old 10-12-2011, 05:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CamInGA View Post
I think the response from Red Pepper, who has actually lived through a similar situation, is very good and offers me alot of insights. Annabelle was also helpful, there are ways to raise the discussion in a non-threatening way, but mainly go slow and ALWAYS respect the feelings of the other person, don't let your own horny desires run all over someone else's soul.
You've got it.
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  #18  
Old 10-12-2011, 05:48 PM
CamInGA CamInGA is offline
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Default Need To Talk About It

I guess what strikes me about what all of you have said and advised is that it's not weird and unnatural to want to be with two people at once. I think you just talk about it and see if you can happen upon a solution that works for everyone. We all three truly love one another, so we should be able to come up with a solution that works for all parties concerned.

Magdlyn is right - I don't want Jean and Danny having sex on the side without me. All too often, we let labels dictate what our feelings should be about someone. Just because Jean has been a lifelong lesbian doesn't mean she couldn't develop feelings for Danny. I do know that our friend John told me that Jean is very threatened when I dance with guys, or show them any kind of attention, because she is insecure since I used to be with guys and feels I might leave her for one.

With her, I fear more that she would leave me for another woman. I rarely ever think about her being even attracted to men. I actually wouldn't mind if she wanted to sleep with someone else, just not someone that I also want to sleep with - I wouldn't like that at all!

I wish when the three of us were together we could somehow all talk about it, but it just seems like a strange kind of discussion to have. I hope the discussion between Jean and I will come sooner rather than later so this can be resolved......she and Danny are going to be together all weekend because I will be out of town working a trade show for work. Maybe if she and I could discuss it, then she could find an opportunity this weekend to talk to Danny about it. For some reason I think it will be easier for her to talk to him than me.
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  #19  
Old 10-12-2011, 06:13 PM
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After reading more of your posts, I do think the fact that they own a business together is something to consider. On one hand, it sounds marvelous, like a movie - you are all there, working on something, you look up at him just as the light streams in the window just right, music plays as he looks at you, a wonderful love affair ensues. However, it could also turn out not so good, and jeopardize good friendships and a business arrangement. Could it be that you have developed a crush on him simply because of proximity? And the fact that you are craving some masculine energy and a good hard pounding? Maybe you're kind of focused on him just because he's always around and you're feeling lonely due to Jean's schedule.

It's possible that he is the totally wrong person to pursue anything with, even though he may be flirty with you. Some people push boundaries with others they feel they can never have (because of your relationship with Jean). He has changed the subject whenever you make humorous remarks that could have led to a discussion about getting involved, he's buying a biz with Jean, and he's not had a relationship for three years. The last part is the biggest red flag for me. He may not be the best candidate for you to get involved with.

I think, though, that you need to discuss opening your relationship with Jean, without suggesting him as a possibility right away. However you word it that you want to also be with a man, see what she says first before you bring up Danny.
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-12-2011 at 06:16 PM.
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  #20  
Old 10-12-2011, 08:05 PM
CamInGA CamInGA is offline
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Default I Never Thought About That.....

That's true, he is in close proximity and that could be the reason for the attraction. We spend alot of time together, know each other very well, etc. so it is logical that he is the object of my affection. It's certainly going to be a disaster if the three of us go into business and then this dating thing doesn't work, who leaves, etc?

The way the business thing is shaking out, he and I are going to be doing alot of it ourselves. It's about 1.5 hours away, Jean has to run the other business here locally so she will be around occassionally on weekends, but alot of it is Danny and I doing it alone. I can't help but feel if the opportunity presented itself, things might happen, and it would be better for it to all be out in the open.

He is just such a good, nice person, a true southern gentleman with exceptional morals, and I think out of respect for my relationship with Jean he probably would put the brakes on something before it went too far, but then it would just be awkward between us.

In some ways, it would be better for me to see a man she doesn't know. Then the jealousies, etc. wouldn't be quite as personal.
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