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  #21  
Old 10-12-2011, 03:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Isn't love based on what is inside, not the outside package? I have no idea how much Podunk talks about how VC isn't his ideal woman, looks-wise, but the fact that he brought it up on his thread, when it was rather irrelevant, makes me go, hmmm... How has this issue affected VC's self esteem?
Not nearly as often as I tell her how much I love her, how beautiful and desirable she is and how fortunate I am to have her in my life. We fell in love before we had ever seen each other in person. We have had six amazing years together. So, you don't need to preach about love being on the inside.
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  #22  
Old 10-12-2011, 03:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Nycindie
Also, I have to say that, despite what he says about wanting poly, I keep having this sense that Podunk really prefers swinging. Perhaps the possibility of your having a deeper emotional connection with someone else, as in polyamory, hit him harder than he expected and feels like a threat to him in some way.
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Originally Posted by River View Post
An interesting line of inquiry worthy of an honest look and response from Podunk.
I don't prefer swinging. You could count our swinging dates on one hand. It's not the deeper connection that hit me, it's the LIES AND BROKEN TRUST!!!

There would have been a lot to process here, that much is obvious. It was our first real poly experience, our first solo experience, it was 400 miles away and for 8 days! Add to that our personal histories. Outside of our few swinging experiences, each of us could count our romantic and sexual partners on one hand as well! How many people have come on here all broken up over a simple first date? This was a lot bigger than that!

And anyone looking at the situation would have known that, right? Who would have expected it not be an emotionally complex situation? Only person I know who saw it that way was veganchick. She was WRONG! Even more than me, SHE wasn't ready to handle this situation!

That is what led us to where we are today. I never had a chance to accept her week with Paul for what it was, never had a chance to process it in any reasonable or rational way. All I got was a huge shitpile of lies, deceit and broken trust and was left to figure it all out in the midst of that.
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  #23  
Old 10-12-2011, 04:12 AM
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So Podunk Rulz, and Veganchick drools. Got it.

When you are ready to stop your holier-then-thou shit Podunk, you might start figuring the pieces of this puzzle out.
You have a anger and bitterness that you are more then entitled to. However, it`s become a source of pedestal-sitting for you.

If the past 6 years were sooooo fucking awesome, How does years worth of good decisions and closesness, get scraped for this moment in time, where she failed in your heart ?

The irony, is you then turn around, and want to say that all your compliments on her, shouldn`t be scraped, over some 'minor' comments about her not being enough for you.

I`d say the only one preaching is you.
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  #24  
Old 10-12-2011, 08:23 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
At some point, the other person has to make a choice to forgive. Until he does, no amount of trying to prove anything to him will be good enough.

Podunk seems to like this idea of being this kind of fatherly guide to you, the sage one who will encourage and direct you toward what he believes is good for your personal growth. Perhaps it was all too much for him to see you find your own way and make your own choices (and mistakes), however insecure and self-doubting you were. He certainly seems focused on how you have "done everything all wrong" and that it is absolutely irreparable.
Podunk has been very supportive of me over the years. Shortly after we met, I experienced a traumatic life event and he was there to pick up the pieces. He gave me them back to me and allowed me to assemble the puzzle as I'd like. In many ways, I have grown up with him - we met when I was 24. He is almost a decade older than me and had the opportunity to live some of my dreams before we met. I won't deny that I look up to him in that regard - but this is because he is so freaking groovy! From the beginning we had an uncanny connection - it surprised us even. We both share so many oddities and interests. We didn't have any idea we would mesh so perfectly! I do look to him for advice - but, I don't think it's in a unhealthy way. He's been there, done that. We are parents and I am certainly treated as an equal in our partnership.

Quote:
Also, I have to say that, despite what he says about wanting poly, I keep having this sense that Podunk really prefers swinging. Perhaps the possibility of your having a deeper emotional connection with someone else, as in polyamory, hit him harder than he expected and feels like a threat to him in some way.
Swinging wasn't really working for us. Just like I mention about me personally in this thread - we both found that we craved connection. If anything, I think perhaps that maybe I am more of the swinger?! Something for me to think about. I didn't prepare for polyamory in a deep and meaningful way - even though I thought I had. I jumped right in to open sexuality all the while thinking to build a connection later. It's very hard to process at this time all of the emotions surrounding my acts. We may have found an interest in exploring things differently had we discussed my stay honestly when I returned. I didn't give us that option. I turned this in to a larger than life drama. The lies blur everything and make it difficult (dare I say impossible) to see what emotions are caused by which acts/breaches/lies.

Last edited by veganchick; 10-12-2011 at 08:45 AM. Reason: wordage
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  #25  
Old 10-12-2011, 08:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Yes, I sadly noticed that, in Podunk's thread, he felt compelled to mention how VC's body was not his ideal (even tho her figure and hair sounds hot as hell), and how thank god her ass is filling out a little as she gets older.

Isn't love based on what is inside, not the outside package? I have no idea how much Podunk talks about how VC isn't his ideal woman, looks-wise, but the fact that he brought it up on his thread, when it was rather irrelevant, makes me go, hmmm... How has this issue affected VC's self esteem?
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Somebody pursues you even when they've seen your post-pregnancy belly, and you are so grateful and flattered that you think this is it! Even feel obliged to service them orally (was there any reciprocative touching there?) and cater to their issues around using protection.

Really? Tons of women out there are beautiful, sexy and fulfilled (including me) and have tummies that stick out. It's just the shape some women take, and even if you're not biologically programmed to gather your food storage around the waist area, pregnancy can do that to anyone.

You are not damaged goods who should seize every opportunity of someone showing interest in you just because you fear you are not beautiful and desirable enough!

If a guy expresses interest in sexing you up, it has nothing to do with connection or even compatibility, seeing the real you or whatever. You are not hideously deformed.

It can be very damaging to self-esteem and body image if your SO expresses clearly and repeatedly that you do not represent their ideal physique. Do you believe that people chat you up for your firm boobs/nice smile/whatever, REGARDLESS them actually thinking you are not, as a package deal, that attractive? That they would choose to go out with someone who has a flatter tummy or rounder arse?

Do you have an MO where you are so grateful to a guy for showing interest in you that you feel you have to sex them up for gratitude?
I have had self-image issues for years - weight fluctuations, young parenthood, early development/awkwardness. This was all before Podunk so I surely can't blame him for any of that. It has always been nice to be with someone who could share appreciation of different body types. I've expressed my self consciousness over the years and have always been reminded that I am truly loved for who I am. Not just a blanket statement of "Oh, VC, I love who you are inside" but a truly detailed expression of all of the parts that make me special. I'm regularly told how "cute" I am. It is true that Podunk is an "ass man". My feelings of inadequacy are my own. I own them. There is every real possibility that I seek sexual situations with others to feel attractive. But, it fluctuates -it's not a constant thing. My life is not held up over anxiety about my body. I'll hang out naked with anyone. The feelings of self consciousness come in waves. I don't know that what you express about having sex to show gratitude is something I feel I engage in. But, it's a thought for me to consider as I try to grow.
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  #26  
Old 10-12-2011, 09:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
So Podunk Rulz, and Veganchick drools. Got it.

When you are ready to stop your holier-then-thou shit Podunk, you might start figuring the pieces of this puzzle out.
You have a anger and bitterness that you are more then entitled to. However, it`s become a source of pedestal-sitting for you.

If the past 6 years were sooooo fucking awesome, How does years worth of good decisions and closesness, get scraped for this moment in time, where she failed in your heart ?

The irony, is you then turn around, and want to say that all your compliments on her, shouldn`t be scraped, over some 'minor' comments about her not being enough for you.

I`d say the only one preaching is you.
I understand how some of the things Podunk and I have posted may not accurately explain the situation. There is so much lost in online translation. That is one of the reasons I initially skipped posting. But, I allowed my desperation to get to me and decided to start my own thread. This was probably a mistake.

It is to be expected that Podunk is going to be angry and that his feelings are going to fluctuate day by day. This was his "serene" spot to escape the stressful conversations we are having daily and to share in a dialogue with others. Is he going to be mad as hell sometimes? I'd say. Is he going to try to talk things out in his mind and with others? Yeah.

I appreciate so many people caring about all of my issues and accepting me as human. Let's not forget the hurt I've caused, though. There are 5 stages of grief. This loss will take a long time to heal/overcome.
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  #27  
Old 10-12-2011, 09:51 AM
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VC I am not going to get into the situation the two of you are dealing with, because you've gotten plenty of other input that you both have to wade through. I will however tell you this-a realization that did me very well.

When I met Karma 9 yrs ago, his friends, all of them, made sure to tell me I wasn't his type. At the time I had more of an athletic build from years of hockey and dance. I was goal oriented, knew what I wanted and did whatever it took to get it. I was not physically nor intellectually his type and they all made sure I was well aware. Karma never made a big deal over it, but it always stuck. When I got sick 3 yrs into things and gained 100 #'s in six months on hormone therapy, I was most certainly not his type. And again, while he worried over my health, he never made a big deal over it.

I always had it in my mind that I wasn't his type. That I wasn't what he wanted. When things got bad between us I was convinced the weight that never came off after the meds were stopped, was a large part of our issues. My once high self esteem was shattered.

As I emerged from the depression that brought on a lot of our issues, and I slowly relearned who I was, and we slowly rebuilt our marriage after years of lies and cheating, I asked him why he was with me. Why if I was so unlike his type, he had any interest in me at all. He told me that it was me he was drawn to and me he fell in love with, not my body. He said that when my confidence is high and I am fully myself, he couldn't deny the attraction that was there. He loves my athletic legs, knowing the power behind them ( for a martial artist I guess it makes sense that that is what he finds attractive). He loves the way I carry myself. He loves who I am as a person and how that light shines through me.

And with that, I began to love myself again. I began to find respect for the body that had so horribly betrayed me. Because with all the abuse it has taken, it is still carrying me through life. I began to no longer look at the negatives and instead at the positives.

And then I had the realization that put to rest the hurtful things said to me nine years ago. I may not be his type. I may not ever get my body back to what it was, and even then I may not be his type. But I am the woman that he asked to marry him. I am the woman he has stuck with through hell and back. I am the woman who gave opportunity after opportunity to leave and yet he chose to stay.

It seems to me, that I am more his type than anyone. It seems to me that to overlook the things that were once a young mans ideals, and find the things that that man loves more than anything else, makes me more his ideal than anyone could be.

Don't get hung up on what you're not and instead focus on what you are. You may not be his ideal body type, but ya know what, Karma isn't mine either. I always went after the football players, the hockey players, the chiseled farm boys and here I am more attracted to a skinny martial artist than any of the others. We are people, not types. We come in all sorts of packages and when love hits, we have no control over what package that love comes in.

And I lied, I will give a small bit of advice on the other situation. I will tell you that if Karma and I can make it through nine yrs of lies cheating, anyone can. As long as they are willing to be honest, and to forgive. And that forgiveness comes from both sides, you have to forgive yourself as much as he needs to forgive you. Right now the wounds are fresh, and they fucking hurt. You both need some time to lick the wounds and let them heal. Karma hated in when I told him I couldn't just get over it all. That I needed time. But time does heal.

I wish you both the best of luck.
Mo
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  #28  
Old 10-12-2011, 10:23 AM
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I had a thought reading: I'm not sure if there's something to it or not, feel free to discard it if it doesn't fit.

You were sexual with Paul, and hoped something more would evolve. But the sex was unsatisfying, and he didn't want more of a connection with you. I don't remember how much you've described how this made you feel. Sad? Ashamed? Disappointed? Rejected? Worthless? Maybe like your worst beliefs about yourself were confirmed (that you're not hot enough or lovable enough etc.)?

I was just wondering, if part of the reason you didn't tell these things to Podunk was that you feared that the fact that Paul rejected you (or you felt like he did) would make him see that you're not really worthy of his love and attraction (like you believe/fear you aren't?).

Maybe something to think about.
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  #29  
Old 10-12-2011, 02:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by veganchick View Post
I understand how some of the things Podunk and I have posted may not accurately explain the situation.

It is to be expected that Podunk is going to be angry and that his feelings are going to fluctuate day by day. This was his "serene" spot to escape the stressful conversations we are having daily and to share in a dialogue with others. Is he going to be mad as hell sometimes? I'd say. Is he going to try to talk things out in his mind and with others? Yeah.

Let's not forget the hurt I've caused, though.


I said he has a entitlement to his anger and bitterness. I don`t think anyone is excusing you. Well, I wasn`t. Actions speak louder then words to me, and always have.

However he is barking at the very people trying to help him. He does not seem to want to see himself as anything other then the martyr.

Thing is though, you can`t control others, you can only control yourself. If he wants to feel better, he needs to look at his own actions, decide what is appropriate, and what isn`t. Decide what he can, and cannot handle, and legitimately stick by it.

Defending his own thread, then bashing you on yours, then going over and over the ; 'she did this, she did that' is only going to make him feel crazy.

Many people have tried to be kind to him with the various ways things can be seen, and he seems to have decided to rebuttal anything that has to do with shining a light on himself.

So if what he is doing is so awesome, hows that working out for him ?

He might want to absorb what people tell him here, and wait to reserve judgement on how great, awful, or preachy the advice is. Trying something different, then what he has previously been doing, might get him somewhere he hasn`t been before.

If you are looking to earn brownie points defending him, kudos. Hope it works. This feels odd posting like he isn`t even here, so I`ll bow out now.
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  #30  
Old 10-12-2011, 04:30 PM
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Having been cheated on, and cheated myself, I know how long and hard it can be to rebuild trust. However both sides have to budge on the issue if anything is to get resolved. Forgiveness and communication are key.

I'd say more, but I don't want to stir up trouble and drama.
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