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  #11  
Old 10-11-2011, 04:00 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Originally Posted by saltandredpepper View Post
So how does it work out in the end when each partner dates separately? I can feel myself detaching some from the primary relationship as she and I have started down that path.
One more thing that works differently for everybody. For me there have been occasions where I feel a bit distant, and more times when I feel a lot closer to my husband depending on what's going on. My husband often feels a bit distant from me right before or right after a date he says, but that _might_ be because he isn't having any other sexual relationships right now.

That probably is compounded by the fact that my dates are at home the majority of the time for the moment, which means most of the time I'm showing up to bed with my husband 5 minutes after saying goodnight my boyfriend. Having a transition period between partners can be very useful (or necessary) for some people. I've seen other people talking about that in some threads/blogs here. I noticed it was much more relaxing when I was previously married, and had a 2.5 hour drive home from my boyfriends so there was space to process and direct my energy back to my primary instead of being all dreamy over my boyfriend.

We try to make sure that we have a night alone together after two nights where we have plans doing other things. Ideally we try to have every other day at home/out together, but it's harder to manage with his girlfriend's availability (and the availability of other people he goes out with, most of who have at least a couple of other relationships too) so juggling can be a bit tricky to manage sometimes.

My advice is to start off scheduling right off the bat, before it can ever become a problem of one partner being unhappy because they aren't getting their needs for quality time (or time to do chores and household stuff) met.
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  #12  
Old 10-11-2011, 04:03 PM
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Inny or outy, either way is good for us as long as it's mutually respectful with shared life goals and earth based spirituality. Does that make us both bi? Either way, giddyup horsey!
hehe, OK cool.

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So how does it work out in the end when each partner dates separately? I can feel myself detaching some from the primary relationship as she and I have started down that path.
It varies. Sometimes it brings the couple closer. One needs to watch out for NRE, new relationship energy. We can get so wrapped up in a new crush we can neglect our primary. We need to schedule romantic dates/quality time with the primary to keep that relationship strong.

After NRE fades, (3-18 mos usually) things get more balanced.
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  #13  
Old 10-11-2011, 04:22 PM
Mara Mara is offline
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the last time J visited with us I only spent one hour alone with him. I slept in the same bed with saltandredpepper every night during J's visit. Although J did sleep with us one night. Before he came to visit SRP asked me to choose whether I wanted the relationship with J to be solo or to include him. I wanted to include SRP....

I really don't want to ask SRP to leave or encourage it because it seems selfish and rude to have a visitor in our home that makes him feel jealous, uncertain or insecure.

I love SRP and want our life together to be supporting, loving, and nurturing. We seemed to handle things pretty well when we were all together. I fret that if he goes off by himself he will not sleep.His complex feelings in coping with feelings of jealousy have brought on insomnia before.

I guess I need to let go of that.

Mara

Last edited by Mara; 10-11-2011 at 04:27 PM.
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  #14  
Old 10-11-2011, 04:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Mara View Post
the last time J visited with us I only spent one hour alone with him. I slept in the same bed with saltandredpepper every night during J's visit. Although J did sleep with us one night. Before he came to visit SRP asked me to choose whether I wanted the relationship with J to be solo or to include him. I wanted to include SRP....

I really don't want to ask SRP to leave or encourage it because it seems selfish and rude to have a visitor in our home that makes him feel jealous, uncertain or insecure.

I love SRP and want our life together to be supporting, loving, and nurturing. We seemed to handle things pretty well when we were all together. I fret that if he goes off by himself he will not sleep.His complex feelings in coping with feelings of jealousy have brought on insomnia before.

I guess I need to let go of that.

Mara
Well, honey, just like maintaining a relationship with J is a way of looking after yourself, so is going out and giving you space a way for your hubs to look after himself. Don't worry if he's getting enough sleep or not; he's a big boy and I'm sure he will take care of himself. Making him stay around when he's struggling won't help. I am an insomniac myself; sometimes there's nothing that's gonna keep it from happening except for some drugs. But his needing space from your private time with J is more about taking care of himself emotionally/psychologically, and because of that, I'm sure he will sleep better.

In addition, if this is something you want to work, you will have to let go of the idea that you're being selfish. You are both choosing to have this, so stop that line of thought when it comes up.
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  #15  
Old 10-11-2011, 05:23 PM
OpenandCountry OpenandCountry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mara View Post
the last time J visited with us I only spent one hour alone with him. I slept in the same bed with saltandredpepper every night during J's visit. Although J did sleep with us one night. Before he came to visit SRP asked me to choose whether I wanted the relationship with J to be solo or to include him. I wanted to include SRP....

I really don't want to ask SRP to leave or encourage it because it seems selfish and rude to have a visitor in our home that makes him feel jealous, uncertain or insecure.

I love SRP and want our life together to be supporting, loving, and nurturing. We seemed to handle things pretty well when we were all together. I fret that if he goes off by himself he will not sleep.His complex feelings in coping with feelings of jealousy have brought on insomnia before.

I guess I need to let go of that.

Mara
I struggle with feeling selfish in my situation, too. Sometimes I get into the thought cycle of "I already had one man who loves me...and now I have TWO?, some people don't have anyone..." realize that both you and SRP deserve love and happiness, ask SRP what he wants and needs, and compromise (reasonably) so that you both feel loved, nurtured, and respected. Don't feel selfish for loving J and wanting to have time with him, it's a destructive thought pattern. Enjoy your loves.
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  #16  
Old 10-12-2011, 06:37 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I think that there is a few things that can be done here that might help. I agree with whomever posted that making a schedule might work... Even on a weekend together that happens once in a blue moon, until you know each other in this dynamic enough it might help to have alone time scheduled with both men while they are both around. Maybe "nap time" in the after noon is a better way to get closeness and leave "night time" sleeping arrangements for you SRP. This is what PN, mono and I did for a time when he moved in, except for two nights a week when I would sleep with mono. It seemed to mean that our closeness stayed in tact.

Another thing I think is worth noting is that this is new. 10 months is just long enough to be giddy about this relationship, think its running awesomely and then have that die out until it is realized that this is working, but there are no fireworks every moment of the day. That isn't detachment, that is reality... not to mention, independence is a good thing. Being attached is borderlining co-dependent for me.

This is totally workable in time I think... it takes practice all this stuff. So you might have sleepless nights on the occasional weekend. So be it... let yourself feel what you feel, find something to do and learn to walk through it. Its all part of getting used to all that is going on. Most of us here know what it is you are going through, or been on the other side watching... those of us who got through it know its possible to to do so and live to tell the tale. It takes time.

I read this again today somewhere and it took on new meaning for me even though I have read it a thousand times... maybe it will help explain what I mean about how detachment might not be such a bad thing.

http://www.katsandogz.com/onmarriage.html
On Marriage
-Kahlil Gibran

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.


Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.


Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
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  #17  
Old 10-12-2011, 01:22 PM
Cinnamon Cinnamon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
On Marriage
-Kahlil Gibran

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.


Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.


Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
I'm so touched by this poem that I've been forced briefly out of my safe lurking cave...thanks redpepper...
I think I'll be ready to post soon
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  #18  
Old 10-13-2011, 11:36 AM
Mara Mara is offline
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Redpepper, that is an exquisite and beautiful poem. Thank you for sharing it with us.
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  #19  
Old 10-13-2011, 12:02 PM
saltandredpepper saltandredpepper is offline
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Yes Redpepper, and I love it that beauty and elegance have entered this thread.

Well Chicks, here's a midstream update. I've floated the idea of my leaving town when the metamour visits and it caused quite a stir for those two - rejection, guilt, anger, accusations, mistrust, doubt - but is starting to settle now. Mara and I are good together again and clearer about our commitment and what we want for our lives and loves together. Admitting my needs has made me less frantic about getting my fair share of the outside love. And surprise, surprise, we've met a young gay poly woman in our little town who we both adore and who's got the hots for Mara. Those winds of heaven are dancing with NRE again...

Saltandredpepper
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  #20  
Old 10-13-2011, 12:11 PM
Mara Mara is offline
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Its only NRE in the sense that there is mutual attraction but not because S and I have been intimate. We have been talking and getting to know one another. Have taken it very slowly because of all that has been going on.
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attachment, co-dependence, gilbran, independence, ldr, long distance, nre, opening a relationship, sleeping arrangements

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