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  #41  
Old 03-23-2012, 03:28 PM
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D - Wow. I am speechless. You have hit the nail right on the head here.

I also belive that something triggered them to open their marriage. In the beginning, I believed (and was led to believe) that it was just because, after being together so long, things got complacent, stagnant, loss of passion, boredom set in. But as I peel away the layers, I realized there is more to it. And what you just stated is the same conclusion I have come to.

But I tread lightly. I don't want to violate their privacy. I listen quietly and offer love and comfort as he has started to open up. I pass no judgement.

It's a tricky situation for everyone.

As I said before, I love him and want what is best for him. I know that he loves me and that he does love her deeply and I accept that. His compassion and ability to love is what has drawn me to him. Asking him to change that would mean asking him to change himself and I don't want that. I love him the way he is...... I just miss him alot in the time we don't spend together and wish that it could be more frequent. All I can do is ask.
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  #42  
Old 03-23-2012, 03:31 PM
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Oh, and, I'm unsure who called the shots before the illness.

If I had to guess, it would have been her. He's very easy going, go with the flow, keep it simple. She's more the planner. As am I.

In many ways we are very alike. So I've tried to reach out to her but she isn't the easiest to get to know. She seems to try, maybe for his sake. But outside of him, she's kind of withdrawn from me. Again, I keep trying. Sounds utopian, but I really do want us all to get along.
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  #43  
Old 03-23-2012, 04:22 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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If you could go back in time and speculate on what this would look like had you met him shortly after they opened up their marriage ( and without illness) how would things look today? It might be impossible to remove the illness because it plays such a large role in this but give it a shot.

Who or how .....was the date time decided?

Her shift in attitude towards him maybe out of self preservation ....oh fuck I could actually lose my nurse/piss boy if I keep this up ...I better be nicer to him this is getting serious. Which could explain the daulity of her behavior in a group setting verses the colder persona when along with you.
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  #44  
Old 03-24-2012, 03:40 AM
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D, I have been thinking about your question all day.

What if...what if...what if....

Honestly , if she hadnt gotten ill, and the lack of physical intimacy between them continued, even though she did share that with another man, I believe that the would have split up eventually. But not necessarily for me; he has met a number of lovely ladies that would have gladly stuck around had his situation been different.

She is very dependent on him, no question, financially and physically as her caregiver. How you stated it is sometimes what I see. If he does sense that too, it's unbeknownst to me.

Hence my confusion here this week... So many layers to peel and i dont know how to do that without putting him on the defensive of her.

The week apart leaves me with too much time to think and fear and doubt. Yet I know that as soon as he is with me tomorrow, all will be well again. And I'll feel silly for baring my soul like this. Lol
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  #45  
Old 03-24-2012, 08:49 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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My thought behind the "what if " time machine question was trying to filter out the illness, duty, obligation and honor and focus on matters of the heart.
I think from that prospective your relationship is actually stronger.


I think looking at the historical aspects of this ...were people may have been hurt can only help you to understand how and why these people behave the way they do in this dynamic.

In particular learning her early history or motivations could help you adjust your interactions with her. For example possibly changing the view the loving poly spouse to sick friend of a friend. ( if you had that view)

I'm very sure time together is very much needed and will feel great. ...Enjoy I don't think you should feel silly for asking some questions and kicking around some ideas that may validate some thoughts or feelings ... I wouldn't.


Hope you have a great weekend D
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  #46  
Old 03-24-2012, 09:16 PM
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D, thank you ... Thank you. Thank you.

I hope that you have a great weekend too!
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  #47  
Old 03-25-2012, 11:06 PM
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So here's the update...... Finally had some quality time with my guy last night and then he stayed until after lunch today. It was great and we did need some repair time. Get this....

So he tells me last night that he was concerned for his SO since we returned from vacation, she was withdrawn. So she finally told him this week that she was upset with him and I. She didn't understand the depth of our feelings for each other. She thought I was being a cowgirl as such with being so touchy,feely with him. She told him that she thought I was catty towards her, in that I would purposely give her my iPad with pictures of he and I left on there for her to see, etc. the problem is that NONE OF THAT IS TRUE! She also told him things that I supposedly said to her in passing about private conversations that he and i shared, again, that I DID NOT; these are things that she only would have know if she had read my journal! I felt so violated. I wondered if she had read it one time after a night that he and I went out, came back a little early, I saw the light go off quickly in our room. I assumed that she was returning my iPad to my room as she would use it while we were out ..I noticed that my journal didnt look like it was where I had left it, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she would never violate my privacy like that. I guess I was wrong.

He finally told her that we were actually in love with each other. She wanted reassurance that he wasn't going to leave her, which he gave. She said she felt sad over the fun he and I were having, and reminded him that I'm the fun and she's the everyday life..... She played the burdened with s ick spouse card, he was racked with guilt.

So I'm sitting there, listening to this last night and very carefully dip my toe in the water to say that I figured that she had an issue with me and I also figured that it stemmed from the fact that she wasn't aware that we were at the next level and no longer just fuck friends.... And I told him my experience with her passive-aggressiveness, and her catty comments directed to me. I swore on all that was holy that I had ever left anything for her to see on purpose, that if she saw pics, then it was because she snooped thru my stuff. And besides, my kids use that iPad, there was nothing bad to see, just pics of he and I together on the beach cuddled close, nothing bad. Nothing that should have upset her anyways as she witnessed most of that with her own two eyes. And I told him that she must have read my journal. I told him how it upset me to watch him reach out to her these past 2 years, watching as she flinched as he touched her, saw his pain in loss of intimacy with her and I didn't know how to fix that for him. He said she doesn't react like that when they are alone, no flinching, but still no sex. I'm so confused by it all.

He had said that when she told him that earlier this week, he was disappointed but tried to give me the benefit of the doubt, but she was adamant. When I told him my side, his reaction? Pooooooooor SO, how scared and desperate she must have felt to lash out like that. Excuse me? I'm on the defensive over the BS she gave him about me and poor her?! Ugh

Well, the good news is that now she knows he is in love with me and now that she's been assured that he's not leaving her, she SAYS that she is ok with he and I seeing each other. I'm a very intuitive person and I know there's more to it, I have a feeling she may have asked him to stop seeing me to which he said no, he couldn't and wouldn't because he was in love with me. But he will never tell me that.

I'm not going to lie, what she said had me feeling wrongfully accused and backed into a corner, at a complete disadvantage to his SO, and put a damper on our night. One night a week and she's managed to wreck that too. It was an emotional night. We talked a lot. I cried a little. As I said, a lot of repairing. But no resolution on how I was feeling towards her and what she did. I am trying to understand that she was lashing out in fear and Insecurity but I'm hurt that it was at my expense and I was forced into a defensive role. She's the victim. Poor, sick, innocent, sweet, do no wrong, SO.

So...where do I go from here? I want for the 3 of us to coexist peacefully, more as a team but I feel threatened and hurt by this. And on the other hand, I feel like he really did stand up for me in asking for her acceptance of me in his life. But what if one day she enforces a veto power over me?

The prior posts on here are so right. Open relationship vs poly. She said that she was ok with poly until it happened to her. She knew he had fuck friends and that was fine. She said that she believed in and supported poly, when it was to her advantage with the guy she was seeing, but now he's gone and her SO is in love with someone else, and she lashes out at me, and not him, for not being totally honest. Now she SAYS she is ok with it, but is she really? I've fessed up, with the risk of appearing difficult, about her now explained attitude towards me, he's fessed up to being in love with me and she's claiming to be okay with it, after a mouth full of lies about me.

How do I handle this in light of her less than accepting attitude towards me?

Last edited by newtoday; 03-25-2012 at 11:31 PM. Reason: Spelling! Darn autocorrect....
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  #48  
Old 03-25-2012, 11:23 PM
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When will this passing on of information stop? I don't think your bf knows that he is contributing to the discomfort of everyone involved by telling you what she told him, when these are all things you should be hearing for yourself from her mouth.

Also, cut him some slack on his defense of her. He sees her as someone he needs to protect and she may be feeling in ways that she didn't feel before you came along. The urge to defend is that much stronger, because he cares.

I don't think there will be any resolution of anything, including the lack of focus on your feelings, until there is a serious talk between all of you, and also between you and her. This can't work if you see one another as opposing forces.
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  #49  
Old 03-25-2012, 11:39 PM
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Hence my dilemma. I have TRIED to talk to her. But she simply will not. She avoids all instances for us to talk privately. And based on her telling him these blatant lies, violating my privacy, why would she want an honest conversation with me? There is nothing honest about it on her end.

As you can see here, by my posts and from how I have communicated with him, that I have no problem with providing my thoughts.

I'm not trying to be an opposing force, I am trying to work together, which he clearly recognizes.

And I do cut him slack in defending her. He should. I just hope that he offers me the same courtesy.
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  #50  
Old 03-26-2012, 03:02 AM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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Man, newtoday, that hurts to read. That is a tough way to live poly.

I get one night a week, too, but there are opportunities for overlap time when the metamours are together. These are positive experiences and add to the individual relationships because we all get along well. There's an undercurrent of support for the whole structure which I didn't properly appreciate until I read your post.

One of my SO's requirements in a relationship is that he is allowed to talk positively about his girlfriends to his girlfriends. If someone doesn't want to hear nice things, that's a potential flag.

If I were in your position, I think I would have to check in with myself to be sure stability wasn't a need in that relationship. How can you know from one week to the next what you're going to get, from him or her? Even if he loves you with all his heart? How can you find trust in that scenario when she is determined to erode it? And the more she hinders communication, the easier it is to erode the trust.

In theory, another relationship could provide some stability for you, but it's not reasonable for me to tell someone to just go out there and find another great love. Sure, no problem! That process is working so well for me.

I'm not much help, but I'm rooting for you.

Last edited by PaperGrace; 03-26-2012 at 03:13 AM.
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