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  #31  
Old 03-22-2012, 05:31 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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It sounds like her vision of poly or " open relationship" is him having is biological urges satisfied so she didn't have to. Sending him off to weekly hookers would have been fine. ? Right. Did she have other lovers in the new opening up phase?

If you agree that all your needs can't be met by one person then why haven't you sought out the person or people to feel complete? What are you waiting for?

How much contact do you have with the wife where this passive aggressive comes into play? Is your weekly time with him always on there turf?
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  #32  
Old 03-22-2012, 11:21 PM
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newtoday newtoday is offline
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He had a number of very casual ladies. None that he was too emotionally attached to, until me.

She did have someone else who she cared for deeply, but he moved away. Occasionally she goes to visit him.

My weekly time with him is always alone, without her. We do go out and do fun things together and he stays overnight, we have breakfast in the morning. The timing problem is that I work during the day, he typically works at night. So when he's not working, it's tough to be away from home too often.

She was fine with me, polite, friendly, and still is. The Passive-aggressiveness was apparant when the 3 of us vacationed together recently. It came across loud and clear to me. It went over his head. I do think that it's because, for the first time, she saw how much I reallly meant to him, that I wasn't like the others. That's when I asked if she knew that he was in love with me. He said he hadn't said those words, but she would know that based on the length of time we have been together, the overnights (which he's never done before) and the fact that he invited me along on their vacation; a vacation in which he and I shared the bed the entire time while she slept alone.

I believe that it might have thrown her off with the depth of feelings between him and I. And the silent hissing began.

You ask what I'm waiting for? I'm trying to compromise. I have something really special with him that I don't want to lose. Our relationship has evolved so much in the past year and I know it will continue to evolve. He's asked me to have patience and we will work through it. And if at some point I lose hope that I will ever be satisified, then I will move on. Otherwise, it's too special to give up. We have something rare and precious.

That might make me sound pathetic....but it's what feels right for me.
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  #33  
Old 03-22-2012, 11:33 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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If I went on a vacation with my life partner and they spent the whole time sleeping with their other partner and leaving me alone in a separate bed I might get passive aggressive too! Even without sex, falling asleep together can feel wonderful. If there a reason she didn't get to share his nights on the trip?

Do you know if she even wanted you along on the vacation, or was that all his idea? If it was something that was supposed to be a special get away for the two of them and suddenly he announces that you're coming too and now her special escape with him is a group adventure instead... again, I can see why she might be pissed.
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  #34  
Old 03-22-2012, 11:36 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
a vacation in which he and I shared the bed the entire time while she slept alone.
This might be the issue with the passive-aggressive behavior. I imagine that she felt pushed aside and abandoned while on vacation. Even if this arrangement was her idea, sometimes we don't know how we are going to feel once we are actually in that situation. You guys may just need to talk about it more next time and find a better arrangement that allows each of you to feel special.
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  #35  
Old 03-22-2012, 11:37 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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And by the way, no, it doesn't make you sound pathetic at ALL to consider your love rare and precious... that's a beautiful thing! It would be pathetic if you didn't even like him that much and were just going along with it because you didn't think you could do better. Don't ever be ashamed that you think your love is special, that's the right way to feel. Especially when you also have the self-esteem to still say you'll walk away if it turns out you can't get your needs met! You are strong.
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  #36  
Old 03-22-2012, 11:49 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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So did her relationship with that other guy have a sexual component?

How was the whole vacation situation sold to you? or rather how were you invited? What was your initial reaction? Did the 3 of you have conversations about it.

How did the sleeping arrangements get decided? Did you have separate rooms?

What I meant is ...if you believe that all your need cant be met by any one person and under your current dynamic why wouldn't you want to find someone to supplement the vast downtime. He's been poly for along time he clearly gets it. So why the either or attitude. Why should you have to give up anything ...I was talking adding.

The lesson learned is not making everyone special but never do joint vacations ...not worth the trouble ...my guess anyway

Last edited by dingedheart; 03-23-2012 at 12:01 AM.
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  #37  
Old 03-23-2012, 12:21 AM
Jericka Jericka is offline
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A shared vacation? Yikes. I'd be expecting problems and try to head them off.

I don't think my metamour would be at all willing to let her husband sleep with me every night and I would probably push him to sleep with her at least half the time. At the VERY least I'd talk to her about what she thought that she needed, and let her know that if she changed her mind and was uncomfortable to please let me know. I'd also tell her that her bluntness was welcome, and that I trusted her to TELL me if she had a problem....

But, honestly? I don't foresee a joint vacation in our future. Maybe several years down the line? Maybe? As well as we get along(we get along fine!), that still seems like a distant possibility, something along the lines of winning the lottery.
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  #38  
Old 03-23-2012, 02:23 AM
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Yikes! Lol! That caused some stir.

He invited me to come along. They were going for 5 weeks, he asked if I could get away for a couple of those. I asked if she was ok with that and he said she was very much ok with it. Because of her illness, she's no longer active, tires easily and knew he would be bored and she recognizes he and I have similar interests so we could keep each other company.

How we arranged the sleeping arrangements? The house we had had 2 bedrooms, one with a double bed, the other with a single bed. She insisted on that room. Insisted. I felt bad and pushed back for them to share the room, she flat out refused. It was as if she seized the opportunity to NOT sleep with him. I know that hurt him. I did offer, several times to switch rooms with her but she continued to refuse. I insisted he go be with her to sleep but he refused, he wanted to stay with me. Made me feel awkward.

So I don't understand why she would or should be pissed at me.

I left after 2 weeks. She did, I assume, move to that bedroom with him. But they were not intimate.

D , yes, her relationship with the other guy did have a sexual component , yet she still didn't want that with our guy. I know that hurts him. It is a level of rejection.
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  #39  
Old 03-23-2012, 03:10 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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I don't know what your relationship with your metamour is like but it seems like it's gotten to a point where there needs to be more communication between you and her separate from your S/O, as well as communication between the three of you. For me personally the whole relaying what she says from him to you makes it harder for either of you to feel comfortable.

His wife might feel tense about the connection you two have, except she hasn't exactly voiced her discomfort. It has just become apparent physically.

I wonder when he is going to sit down with her and hash this whole thing out. I don't think she's necessarily against you; she might feel that you're in the way though, since there's a lot they need to work through as a couple.
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  #40  
Old 03-23-2012, 02:27 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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5 weeks ...I see why he invited you. And I didn't automatically think you displaced her from a particular bed. I actually thought it was possible that her health condition made that her preference be it home or on vacation.

Sounds to me like some event trigger the ending of intimacy and the opening of their marriage. She fell in love with another guy, he cheated on her with her sister...he got drunk and hit her ....something..<<(wild examples ) But worth a look.

Lets say then her feeling shifted towards roommate, business partner but because she/they don't want to trash the family or lose the house and life they come up with this plan. He's free to seek out other women because she didn't care ....she doesn't see him that way anymore. Then she got sick ...and then he was the one taking care of her. If this wild speculation was even partly true the complex set of emotions she'd have ...love, admiration, guilt, shame, etc. etc. The illness has jammed everything up on both sides.


Is there a dominate partner in their relationship....Who calls the shots? Or who did before the illness if that applies ?
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