I'm the 'other woman'

[newtoday]

Wow! Thank you everyone for such great advice.

Now to try to answer the questions...

Yes, she does know about mine and his relationship. He sleeps over at my home at least once a week. She seems very accepting of it. He will hug and kiss me in her presence and she seems fine.

I've read a few books on polyamory and I'm trying so hard not to get jealous or competitive. But I am human and working my way through such new emotions.

Yes, I guess seeing her maybe change her physical response towards him maybe evokes a competitive edge in me that I don't usually have but in all honesty, it stems from the fact that I feel she is the one feeling the sudden competition and making these advances only when friends are around or she feels threatened.

She has told him several times in the last several months that he is free to leave her, despite her critical illness, that she would forgive him and love him anyways.... but he was racked with guilt by that statement and declared his commitment to her.

I have never expected that to change. But when you are in love, there's always that slight hope.

Blackunicorn - thank you so much. You are right. I need to have faith in his love for me. I know it's genuine. And I have to stop feeling like such an outsider and risk looking too needy by expressing my feelings to him. He's always been open to listening and empathetic to my thoughts. I need to have more faith.

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by newtoday

I have never expected that to change. But when you are in love, there's always that slight hope.

It doesn't necessarily have to be that way. I would be heartbroken if my girlfriend and her husband split up. Granted, that's in part because I feel love for him too, but a large part of it is that I know she would be shattered if that happened and I love her too much to ever want that. Her marriage makes her stronger and happier as a person -- it lets her BE the person I love.

Now maybe that's not the case for your boyfriend, maybe his is a dysfunctional marriage. But on the other hand maybe it gives him more than you see... maybe if your hope was granted and he was yours alone you would find that, ironically, he was no longer the person you wanted.

If you think there's any chance that you and she could be compatible as friends, I strongly recommend that you pursue that friendship. You don't need to become bff's right away, but if you can each develop a genuine sympathy and interest in each other you can stop being competitors and start being supporters. After all you share the same goal -- making your man happy.

In the best case scenario, a bond between you and she could make it easier for him to commit to you, because it would make it easier for his life to be one cohesive whole... for instance, say he wants to go out to a fair, wouldn't it be easier and cheaper for him if he could take you both? And you would get to spend quality time with him that you might otherwise miss out on.

Originally Posted by newtoday

I need to have more faith.

Faith is important but it is also completely valid to ask for reassurance and clarification. It's difficult being a secondary, I know. Do read the stuff about secondaries on the MoreThanTwo website linked above, there's some great advice in there.

[SourGirl]

Originally Posted by newtoday

Yes, I guess seeing her maybe change her physical response towards him maybe evokes a competitive edge in me that I don't usually have but in all honesty, it stems from the fact that I feel she is the one feeling the sudden competition and making these advances only when friends are around or she feels threatened.

She has told him several times in the last several months that he is free to leave her, despite her critical illness, that she would forgive him and love him anyways.... but he was racked with guilt by that statement and declared his commitment to her.

Do you believe that is his only reason ? This sounds to me like you previously thought, or circumstances lead you to believe he loved you 'more'. That the lack of physical affection in their relationship caused him to love her 'less'. Maybe he even believed this, and shared this with you.

It is possible that he is feeling a renewed love for her ? You might not of been expecting to truly 'share' him.
Even if his wife is doing things for attention, in her own odd way, she is expressing that he matters to her.

You could very well be surprised by the feelings that still exsist between them. More then you thought you would be.
I mean this well, but in order to feel that competitive streak rise, you would of had to of felt 'ahead' in the first place.

[acepartner]

I was just wondering if anyone knows how the W might be feeling? do you think she'll just let go emotionally even if she knows about her husbands affair with the OW?, I see her putting up some strong fight for this man albeit silently, I bet she must be getting help to overcome her sexual challenges to restore her wedlock.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by acepartner

I was just wondering if anyone knows how the W might be feeling? do you think she'll just let go emotionally even if she knows about her husbands affair with the OW?, I see her putting up some strong fight for this man albeit silently, I bet she must be getting help to overcome her sexual challenges to restore her wedlock.

What do you mean by "let go"--are you speaking of her allowing for another partner for him or something else?

Her wedlock is just fine, as the two of them appear to have a happy marriage. Him having another partner, from the description we've been given, hasn't had ill effect on their marriage; indeed, it appears to have helped. And if their marriage is better now than it was before he found another partner, then the addional partner can be said to have helped their marriage.

I have to say I'm suspicious of your phrasing. I can't tell if you're just trying to state things from her possible point of view or if you're just trying to troll.

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

... just trying to troll.

This.

First post.

"Affair." "Wedlock."

buh bye

[newtoday]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

This.

First post.

"Affair." "Wedlock."

buh bye

Affair? Wedlock? I agree. Buh Bye. Obviously this first-time poster has issues with this whole deal.

No, it's not an affair.
No, it's not a secret from her.
The 3 of us have travelled together on vacation.

She has issues, no question. How she really feels is anyone's guess. I don't know that either him or I will ever get the real answer. All we can do is try to be honest from each of our positions and hope for the best.

[nicraq]

"Love and sex are not a competition"...?
Reading this set off alarm bells and gave me a bit of an 'Aha!' moment. Love isn't inherently competitive but I'm pretty sure sex is, or at least contains a strong element of competition. Watch people at a nightclub, read Lyall Watkins' Dark Nature, Dawkins Selfish Gene, or anything on sexuality in natural selection. Surely we do compete for sexual partners?
I think this is very much connected to our cultural history of monogamy and the challenge/threat that the idea of polyamory is perceived as to many people.

Sorry-kind of meandering off topic but this interests me

[newtoday]

Nicraq, you have a good point. And you're onto something based on the literature that you've quoted.

Where this probable "competiton" comes into play for me is that my partner had told me the reason that they opened their relationship was due to sexual issues, she lost interest in him, completely. Yet did have that interst in another. So they opened the relationship.

He does continue, several years later, to reignite that with her. To no avail. She actually flinches if he tries to touch her in a non-platonic manner. Before I witnessed that reaction, I did have a true fear that if they were to regain that, then i was no longer required. And that did scare me, alot.

[PaperGrace]

When love is plentiful and both of the potential partners who are sought after are willing and available, why compete? Hopefully, it's not like the Highlander movies where "there can be only one."

Newtoday, while I really don't like the idea of comparing either, are there other reasons that your significant other could find you to be unique and special? Are their other qualities you and he could focus on? Even in bed, lovers are unique. Perhaps you both enjoying biking and his wife does not. Broadening the ways you see and share your love could help.