Physical intimacy with friends

[Moonglow]

I was just pondering this very question this weekend. I have sort of the opposite thing going on. I thought the person I am interested in is a friend. We have not gone so far as to have sex yet. We have mostly been making out. I get the idea that perhaps he will not want even to be friends with me if we do have sex so I am thinking of cutting my losses now. I thought how strange it was that he only seems to want me for sex. We met doing something common to both of us, have many things in common (except age) and have had some wonderful conversations. For me the sex now seems secondary at all. It actually quite bewildering.

[TruckerPete]

Sorry Indie, the partnership part was referring to sexual partnership.

I will try to respond to individual pieces of things when I'm back home. (Happy Thanksgiving in Canada!)

Also, this is not entirely clear in my head (hence my request for feedback), so if I contradict myself, it's just me processing.

With regards to the FWB part, my own definition is a friend who is more than an acquaintance, but less than a Friend that I sleep with. Fuckbuddy to me would be closer to the acquaintance side. I know everyone has different definitions of these things, which is why I am trying to stay away from labels and just describe how I feel. Maybe how I feel IS someone's definition of FWB!

The gist of what I can figure out now, is that when I become very emotionally intimate with someone, sex seems (to me) to be a natural extension of those feelings. In most cases. It doesn't always happen, and again, I'm not sure why. This is why when my friend in the previous example asked if I would sleep with him (even if it was in defeated sort of way, and he wasn't expecting my response) it was a no brainer to me. Of course I would sleep with him. I loved him and trusted him, what else needs be involved other than that (for me)?

[TruckerPete]

Originally Posted by Moonglow

For me the sex now seems secondary at all. It actually quite bewildering.

This (unless I'm misreading someone else.). Once I get emotionally close with someone, it's like "Why not?" At that point, I know they respect me, and have my best interests at heart (and me theirs). All the things that would normally stop me from sleeping with someone (unsure of intentions, trust that I'm safer with them, etc.) are gone. So why not, if the opportunity arises?

[nycindie]

I think most people just assume (because we've been fed this bullshit) that when sex happens between friends, it "ruins" the friendship. So, even if they want to, they don't go there for fear of losing a friend.

I fucked one of my neighbors once (or twice? can't remember). We had had a nice, relaxed friendship. He lived upstairs from me in my little apartment building, and we went and did things together frequently. After we got it on, he was all weird and avoided me. Eventually he moved to Chicago, and I never heard from him again. I always wondered why he couldn't handle it, as I had never placed any expectation n him, and enjoyed his company, but... that's how it went.

[TruckerPete]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I think most people just assume (because we've been fed this bullshit) that when sex happens between friends, it "ruins" the friendship. So, even if they want to, they don't go there for fear of losing a friend.

I couldn't agree more!

Also, this quote kind of hits what I mean. (I'm not sure on the etiquette for quoting other threads, especially if it's come from a blog, hence why I'm making them anonymous.)

I think one of the greatest things about having dear friends is that you can have totally committed, loving, sometimes even sexual relationships that lack the couple's dynamic. There's less of the whole OMG-where are we going-what will our relationship look like in ten years-is this what I want-do I really have what it takes-are we compatible in the long run-is somebody feeling neglected-are everyone's needs met-blahblahblaa in solid friendships, I think. Many good friendships, even loving ones, would be totally ruined if you force them into a couply mold.

[GroundedSpirit]

Originally Posted by TruckerPete

Yes and no. I am not too uncomfortable to discuss how I feel about it. Which means they will hear and have the opportunity to speak.

I get it. And like I said, you are a rare gem anyway We'd get along wonderfully. But unfortunately not a lot of people are as comfortable talking openly and honestly about sex like you are. I've always said I can get sexual with someone as easily as I can sit down for coffee and when it's over I can be content without more expectations.

Originally Posted by TruckerPete

But you know what? There is so much less pressure (for me, anyway) to perform, because it's a totally different kind of sex (to me) than relationship sex.

I agree here also. Much more relaxed and free flowing. Just fun !

Originally Posted by TruckerPete

I don't know. I've never had bad sex as an adult. There has always been something that was unique, or worthwhile about my experiences.

That statement right there is worth a zillion orgasms. It's kind of an ultimate example of real sex understanding and sex positivity ! It's hard to have 'bad' sex if you have an open, curious mind, are observant (fully present in the moment) and have no 'agenda'. But that again is a rare combination........



{{{hugs}}}

GS

[SoCalExile]

Originally Posted by TruckerPete

Once I get emotionally close with someone, it's like "Why not?" At that point, I know they respect me, and have my best interests at heart (and me theirs). All the things that would normally stop me from sleeping with someone (unsure of intentions, trust that I'm safer with them, etc.) are gone. So why not, if the opportunity arises?

This is the wavelength I'm on. It really resonates. Someone here (it might have been you; it's probably somebody participating in this thread as well) said it this way which seems to explain it from a different angle:

Originally Posted by somebody on these forums

I think of sex as a form of communication, basically. It's really that simple to me. I don't think of it as forming a bond between the participants. I do feel a sense of connection, if it's good, which is part of communicating. Sometimes there is more of an emotional connection, and other times, it's more physical. I do think it is possible for that connection to be love, even if it's a situation where I know I will never see the person again. But it's a kind of love that I can feel without my mind getting all screwed up about it and what that means. If I feel disconnected from my sexual partner, it's frustrating and dissatisfying, like lousy communication. So, to me, sex is sharing who I am with someone (communication) on a level beyond words. In and of itself, sex doesn't have meaning beyond what I will ascribe to it. So, I prefer to be clear about what I want from the act and from the person with whom I am sexual.

It struck a deep chord with me, anyway.

[Somegeezer]

I think the harder thing, rather than having the sex ruin the friendship, is finding people who don't automatically assume that sex = full intimate/sexual relationship/more than friendship.

I think more than people thinking sex will ruin friendship, they believe that it has become more than just friendship in the first place. Perhaps both go hand in hand.
It has become more than a friendship, therefore the friendship is dead.

But I don't think you can have that intimate relationship without a friendship. You need to be friends with your partner. You can't love someone until you've at least found that friendship level with someone.

I think as long as everyone just accepts that moment for what it is, just sex between some friends, you can stay as friends.

The only difference I see between a friend and a lover, would be the regularity of your encounters with each other.

[SoCalExile]

Originally Posted by Somegeezer

I think the harder thing, rather than having the sex ruin the friendship, is finding people who don't automatically assume that sex = full intimate/sexual relationship/more than friendship.

But isn't that probably the primary reason sex does ruin friendships?

[nycindie]

Hey SoCal, that was me ("somebody on these forums") you quoted in your previous post! I'm flattered!