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Old 10-07-2011, 06:50 PM
Darknyss Darknyss is offline
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Default Ah, my crazy life.

I know I don't post here much (not often at all, really, I suppose), but I've got nowhere else to go really when I need advice.

I finally broke things off with the ex-wife back in May, right around the time I got with my new gf, C. (That was what pushed it over the edge for the ex.) The ex and I didn't start off as poly, but here I thought was a chance to get things off on the right foot from the get go. When we first started talking, I made it clear that I was polyamorous and had a potential on again/off again thing with another girl, T, who was a long distance relationship. This was perfectly ok with her, and we got along great.

The longer we were together, however, the less she seemed ok with things. She'd get pissed when T would call on the phone, or when I was talking to someone/looking at someone's profile on the net she would make passing comments on why this person wouldn't be a good fit, etc. C, for her part is admittedly bi-polar and has a history of being abused mentally and physically, and she only recently started going back to the therapist. She's scheduled for seeing a psych about getting on meds sometime soon.

A couple days ago though, she broke down because I said something to T (we are no longer together at this point, but are still accquaintences/talk on the net) that she considered inappropriate (speaking about my frustration with her not finding a job, which admittedly was possibly out of line or none of her business, but I really don't have many people to talk to). I had no intention of mentioning this conversation to C, I was just venting to T in what I thought was private conversation. C has my password to my Y! account though, and went through my message archive and found the conversation and read it because she "had a feeling I was talking about her" when I mentioned I was chatting with T.

During the ensuing fight, she had decided to leave me, and "couldn't handle polyamory, or even the thought of another woman touching you or being with you the way I am at all." I had already agreed to put any potential relationships on hold until she got on some anti anxiety meds because it was too much for her, but before she even got on them, she has made this demand of me.

I, for my part, am potentially borderline personality disorder (never been diagnosed, but fit most of the criteria) and I am *terrified* of being alone. She knows this. She breaks out the "either you are with me and me alone, or I am leaving." I beg her not to go, she's the closest to my ideal woman that I've ever had. She keeps on...and I keep lowering my asking price until she agrees to stay and allow me to "occasionally have threesomes with her and a prostitute, as long as it isn't every month or something."

Sex is a big thing for me, and any relationship I am in will grow stagnant in my eyes if I am not allowed to explore sexual liasons with others outside. I feel terrible, like I'm not in control of my own destiny anymore. I may "occasionally" have sex with others, but she holds the keys on who, when, how often, etc. I feel like dying, but I can't let her go because I'll be alone...again...and I'm still in the middle of a divorce and need her help and (if she can get a job) her financial assistance to have any chance of getting my kids back. Also, she's really good for me, in almost every way but this. We have nearly *everything* in common.

Wtf do I do? Any advice would be massive appreciated. I've got no idea where to turn at this point. Sorry if this is super long to read guys. Thanks

Sorry for the really quick edit, I'm at work, and I really REALLY don't want her to see this, so I can't check it until monday. Thanks for checking it out guys

Last edited by Darknyss; 10-07-2011 at 09:39 PM.
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Old 10-07-2011, 09:23 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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That's a lot of issues coming to war with each other from all directions.

No advice other than paragraph breaks and write on one thing at a time. No one on here cares about length, but paragraph breaks help make it easier to read and understand. Best of luck.
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Old 10-07-2011, 09:26 PM
Darknyss Darknyss is offline
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Yeah, I realized the whole Wall o' Text tl;dr thing after I posted it. Sorry bout that herp derp on my part for sure :P
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Old 10-07-2011, 09:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darknyss View Post
Yeah, I realized the whole Wall o' Text tl;dr thing after I posted it.
You can edit posts up to 12 hours afterward, which means you can still edit it (click the "edit" button) and add para breaks. Doing so will make it so much easier to absorb what you wrote.
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Old 10-08-2011, 12:03 AM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Advice: some people can't handle the stress of a poly relationship. (Mono relationships have their own stressors, too, of course, but we're not talking about that right now.) Your girlfriend has told you very clearly that she just can't handle being with you in a poly context. It looks like she gave it a good try and just can't deal. That's totally legit.

It's really sad. But it looks like you aren't compatible.

I know it's scary to be alone again. I'm so sorry about that.
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Old 10-08-2011, 09:39 AM
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sagency sagency is offline
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You're almost 29, divorced, have a new girlfriend, and are terrified of being alone. Dude, really? Your ex-wife finally left because of your girlfriend, and you're worried about being alone? Either you found the only two women in the region that will date you, or you're not that hard to date. Not assuming the worst would be a start on the being-more-likeable.

As for the girlfriend, it sounds like you both have lots of baggage. The problem is no one seems to be facing up to the tough decisions. If you need to have multiple partners to be fulfilled, and she is not ok with that, then you need to man up and get out. This a-prostitute-when-I-say-so thing is controlling, probably a lie, and kind of creepy. The fact that she's willing to violate your trust and sneak around by hacking into your Yahoo account is not a healthy or stable sign. Your prison will never be mire free than it is right now, and right now it sounds like you're already pretty locked down.

Accept your nature and hers. Move on.

I wouldn't be surprised if she came to you saying that she could do better and will try harder, but that's just the manipulation talking. Be comfortable with yourself as an individual, and you'll be a better partner in the future, but for now, reduce the amount of emo crazy in your daily life.
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Old 10-08-2011, 09:39 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hi there!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Darknyss View Post
The longer we were together, however, the less she seemed ok with things... C, for her part is admittedly bi-polar and has a history of being abused mentally and physically, and she only recently started going back to the therapist.
We often cannot imagine how things will feel until we experience them first-hand. Especially so if our ability to cope with things is hampered by existing conditions and/or past trauma.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Darknyss View Post
...(speaking about my frustration with her not finding a job, which admittedly was possibly out of line or none of her business, but I really don't have many people to talk to)... C has my password to my Y! account though, and went through my message archive and found the conversation and read it because she "had a feeling I was talking about her" when I mentioned I was chatting with T.
You mention that you depend on C financially. This might not be a situation that allows a person with mental health issues to flourish. Why does she have the password, is it a shared account? My partner could have my passwords to anything she liked, really, but she doesn't want to, because she values my privacy. For some reason, C doesn't value yours. The polyamorous setting might be feeding into her paranoia, if that is one of the symptoms she suffers from.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Darknyss View Post
I, for my part, am potentially borderline personality disorder (never been diagnosed, but fit most of the criteria) and I am *terrified* of being alone... I keep lowering my asking price until she agrees to stay and allow me to "occasionally have threesomes with her and a prostitute, as long as it isn't every month or something."

Sex is a big thing for me, and any relationship I am in will grow stagnant in my eyes if I am not allowed to explore sexual liasons with others outside. I feel terrible, like I'm not in control of my own destiny anymore. I may "occasionally" have sex with others, but she holds the keys on who, when, how often, etc. I feel like dying, but I can't let her go because I'll be alone...again...and I'm still in the middle of a divorce and need her help and (if she can get a job) her financial assistance to have any chance of getting my kids back.
Several red flags here. IMHO, unless you are talking of consensual D/s, no coupleship should be viewed in terms of controlling the other person. You depend on her and feel there's a power imbalance, because you need her more than she needs you. You view your relationship in terms of bargaining, which is telling in itself.

There's been discussion on this board around mental health and poly, and why people with certain diagnoses might be more drawn to non-monogamy than others. An all-succumbing fear of being alone combined with a need for promiscuity is a sure recipe for disaster, be it in poly, open or mono setting.

My advice would be therapy for you. Get a confirmation on your suspicions around the PD thing. And work extensively on your issues with being alone, your view of sex and relationships, feelings of self-worth etc.
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Old 10-09-2011, 07:13 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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She might have borderline personality disorder or you have totally set yourself up to be manipulated. Crying to her not to leave you because you will be lonely and because you need her could make people want to black mail you emotionally and this woman seems to be doing just that.

How do you find out for sure and make it stop? Get your own life back; your own finances, your own place, your own friends and your own goals. Adding your child to this in terms of getting him back will lilkely add to her black mail. Take her out of all equations except having dates and light hearted chats and sex. Obviously she is not a good match as a partner who is your anchor in life. She seems to think that means ownership over you. So don't do things, say things and act in a manner that allows that to happen. Take control and be independant.

You will notice if she is manipulative and emotionally black mailing you if she becomes angry that all of a sudden you are stepping out on your own to do things in your life that are your personal business. If she becomes whiney and revengeful then that would be a sign. If she uses ultimatums to get what she wants, that also would be a sign. Don't play into it. Ignore and stay calm. The longer you hold out, the more she may just realize that you are not going to allow her to control you. That would be my guess any way.

Good luck!
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Old 10-09-2011, 10:47 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I am sorry you and your gf both suffer from mental illness. She is getting help for her bipolar condition. If you suspect you have borderline personality disorder, get yourself to a therapist and a psychiatrist stat!

My daughter has BPD and it's a horrible disease. Borderlines usually have several diseases going at once: severe anxiety issues, low self-esteem, self harming, substance abuse, OCD, bipolar, ADHD, etc. It's a really tough mental state.

Perhaps some anti-anxiety meds/mood stabilizers and weekly therapy would help you learn to be a calmer person and a better partner.

My heart goes out to both of you.
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Old 10-09-2011, 03:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darknyss View Post

I, for my part, am potentially borderline personality disorder (never been diagnosed, but fit most of the criteria) and I am *terrified* of being alone.

....

Wtf do I do? Any advice would be massive appreciated. I've got no idea where to turn at this point. Sorry if this is super long to read guys. Thanks
For starters -- wow. For someone with a potential personality disorder to even admit the possibility that he has one -- you are more courageous than most.

You say any advice would be appreciated, so here's my 2 cents: Get yourself evaluated. There is no reason to go around being miserable, when there is treatment available. I can't imagine you having anything right in your life until you get this addressed first.

Also, it is the human condition to be afraid to be alone. But you're NOT alone. You came to this forum, and here we all are.
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