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Old 10-08-2011, 09:18 AM
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sagency sagency is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: U.S. Pacific Northwest
Posts: 133

Philosophically, either you are cheating (guilt by enabling), or by opening up your relationship with your husband, you're in the clear (individual limitation of accountability). If you need to have a moral answer, pick one.

I prefer to think in practical terms. What's the likelihood of being found out? What are the likely scenarios if found out? Does the sneaking add value? Would not sneaking add value? What are the motivations?

If we set the moral question aside, and you're not likely to get caught, do your activities matter? Your marriage is fine, but are you destabilizing their relationships? If so, I'd suggest that they need to either fix things or move on. Being a Band-Aid for their relationship problems is bad voodoo. I would suggest that sexting means you're likely running a much higher risk of discovery. If the partner just happens (incidentally or intentionally) to check his phone, there maybe be all sorts of uncomfortable questions.

So what happens if the others find out? The options are basically end the relationship, open the relationship, adjust, or no effect. The stereotypical would be ending or harming the relationship. Thus, you could be contributing to some future distrust in relationships. Or you could be encouraging some people to open themselves up. You have mire data than we do because each case is different.

Perhaps the naughty factor gets you excited. Many responses have cautioned against being the other woman, but some women like that role. If you need the clandestine to be fulfilled, then our moral commentary is unnecessary.

Or you might feel better with everything above board. That fact you posed the question implies you have some internal struggle. Even established poly folks can have moments of doubt, but I find that being entirely open is significantly better than hiding.

You mentioned hormones in your post but talk about staying in touch after moving which implies to me more than hormones at work. What is your motivation, and what are theirs? What do you want to achieve? What makes these guys that special versus finding someone (or at least looking) nearby?

Generally speaking, one of the foundations of poly life is belief in proactive communication. If you and your partners are not being proactive and honest, then yes, you're doing it wrong. The question then to ask is what you want and how do you make that happen?
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Old 10-08-2011, 09:53 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906

Originally Posted by PhantomaLain View Post
In the process of moving from one state to another I got the courage to let one of my friends know I have a crush on him and we ended up having sex. Now that I have moved I am regularly sending explicit texts to another friend. Neither of these guys knows about the kind of relationship I am in (other than the fact that I am married), but both are in committed relationships themselves. One is just in a very serious dating relationship and the other is married and has kids. Neither are with someone who would be ok with what we are doing.
So you have cheated with this other friend? You realize that is bad, right? And you moral haziness revolves around if it's bad continuing sexting with both, or just this one other guy, whom you haven't (yet) slept with?

There are differing opinions around whether emotional affairs/sexy talk amount to cheating. Since you know that the partner of your sext-friend wouldn't be okay with what you are doing, then wtf?

Back off. Don't add insult to injury by continuing lying and sneaking around. You've already fucked up once, why continue? As other posters said, what is so special about these guys that you can't keep your hands off?

Originally Posted by PhantomaLain View Post
If I don't want to have restrictions put on me (though my husband knows what I am doing and is ok with it), who am I to say that what these guys are doing is wrong?
Your husband knows and is okay. Their partners don't. There you have it.

Would you want the same thing done unto you, were you in the position of the unwitting partner? And would you want people in general to act like you have acted in this situation?

There's tons of information on ethics around there if you care to look.
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
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Old 10-08-2011, 12:03 PM
Casey Casey is offline
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 16

Okay, you are asking internet-world.
This to me says somewhere you are feeling guilty, or there is a little red flag going up for you.
We have these little niggling thoughts for a reason. When we learn to listen to them we generally can manage to stay out of trouble.
Building a life with Shannon... Both dating others on the side.
(And if they want to come join in the building, we are open to negotiation, and would probably welcome the spare hands )
~Actively Wooing Richenda~
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Old 10-09-2011, 03:07 AM
PhantomaLain PhantomaLain is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Victoria, TX
Posts: 3

I really do appreciate the feedback on this, both the positive and the ones that seem to be really against me and my actions. To update; I've come clean to both guys about the type of relationship I'm in. The guy I had sex with and I are in agreement that what we did was a one time thing and wasn't the best idea. We are going to remain friends, but what he decides to tell his partner is his business. The other guy that I have just been sexting with seems to be fine with my relationship, but has some serious hypocritical tendencies and I am cutting off that type of communication with him, though I don't know what that will do to any friendship we had.

Many of you pointed out that even my questioning was admitting to myself that what I was doing was wrong, and I agree with you. I think this was just one of those things where I felt I needed someone else to tell me what I already knew.

Thanks again and cheers to being on the up and up!
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affairs, cheating, open

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