in/dependence and the word "need"

Oh yeah....I feel the same way about that. I find that lots of people who approach it that way are doing so from a selfish point of view- as if people exist to please them. The thing I hear most often when they "discover" that they'r poly is "I knew that not just one person could satisfy me". All of a sudden they start feeling all this entitlement. I really want to say "Sorry..people don't exist just for your satisfaction".

Very often those people are more than willing to expect their partner to share them but have a more difficult time sharing their partner. Another friend of mine calls it "poly for the attention".

The trouble is that when people seek others to fulfill their needs, it usually ends up being a rather bottomless pit of need.

That's not to be confused with recognizing and honoring your needs in a relationship. That's more about knowing yourself and what works in a partnership.

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by redsirenn

Another "needs" question:

I hear so often poly people talking about how one person can't fulfill all thier needs - thus one argument (for lack of a better word) for practicing poly.

I always think: "DUH!" Then why don't you go out there and fulfill them yourself instead of "needing" someone else to do it for you?

Any thoughts?

Fire away....

Yeah-I think it's a load of b.s. There is in fact only ONE person who can fulfil a persons needs, and that is themself. Sure there are exceptions. Right now I'm pretty damn close to full bedrest and I need someone else to help fulfil my physical needs-but that's temporary and not the same thing anyway.

When you are dealign with primary emotional needs, you need to deal with that and be sure you not only CAN but you ARE fulfilling your own needs before you drag EVEN ONE other person into your "circle of love", much less two or more! <rolling eyes>

I get SO frustrated by people who wander around feeling sorry for themself because their significant other doesn't fix all of their emotional baggage. WELL NO SHIT, it's NOT THEIR JOB.

I see that a lot as well and it's annoying.

I do see a difference between that and the conversation I was having on another thread last night about how once you have two identified, healthy, functional relationships going, not being able to imagine losing one because it seems that the three (or more of you) together are ONE entity beyond JUST your individual persons.

For me I can't imagine CHOOSING between my two men, but I don't NEED either of them to exist and be happy, secure and confident of myself.

[crisare]

Huh. Interesting because the original post here touched off a bunch of thoughts in me that were a bit opposite of what I was reading.

There are certain things that I *need* in a realationship for it to be successful. If I am to be in a long term relationship with someone I need for them to feel the same way. I need for them to respect me and I need to be able to respect them. I need for them to care about me. Etc. Those are *needs* I have from within a relationship. If those needs aren't met, then I can't remain in that relationship.

I think there's a difference between being needy and needing something. Maybe it's subtle, but it's there for me. Same between being dependent and interdependent.

Dunno. I don't have a lot of time right now to put my thoughts in order, but this one struck me quite forcefully as I read through the thread.

Originally Posted by crisare

I think there's a difference between being needy and needing something. Maybe it's subtle, but it's there for me. Same between being dependent and interdependent.

Bingo. That's what I was trying to get at in my last post but using the word needy articulates it better.

[crisare]

Originally Posted by redsirenn

Another "needs" question:

I hear so often poly people talking about how one person can't fulfill all thier needs - thus one argument (for lack of a better word) for practicing poly.

I always think: "DUH!" Then why don't you go out there and fulfill them yourself instead of "needing" someone else to do it for you?

Any thoughts?

This is a good one.

I have a "need" from my partner. IN order to be sexually satisfied I need a partner who is more take-charge, more aggressive, more firm. In some ways I am very submissive in my sex life and I *need* a partner who is willing to be dominant (not in a BDSM sense, but in a take-charge sense). If I don't have that, it's difficult for me to become aroused or maintain arousal. And eventually sex doesn't happen (which is what happened in my marriage).

My husband is not dominant, and in fact would prefer a submissive role in a sexual relationship. Almost to the extent of wanting to explore traditional BDSM sex as a sub.

(And yes, had we known any of this before we got married, we might not have gotten married. But it's taken us years to figure out why we don't "work" that way together. But I digress.)

So, in that sense, my husband cannot fill my "needs", nor can I fill his. And those types of needs are ones that we can't fill for ourselves either.

However, in every other way, we are very compatible. We love each other. We cuddle. We hug. WE snuggle on the sofa at night and watch TV. We share history and friendship. I love his family and they love me.

For us the inability to fill each others' needs led was the doorway into a poly life. The "argument" if you will.

That doesn't mean that we are needy with each other ... but we each have needs that the other simply cannot meet and still be true to themselves.

[rolypoly]

I wonder if a better way of saying "not one person can fill my needs" would be to say, "different people access different parts of me".

I have a penchant toward the word "need" simply because it's the language I've learned through NVC. I like to recognize which needs I am having that are/are not being met within myself when an emotion comes up. This is of course part of the process of taking responsibility for them myself.

There are needs that I cannot meet for myself. Companionship, for one.

I think "need" has become a distorted romantic way of expressing a deep connection and commitment. I would rather use more conscious language like, "I have a connection with you that is unique in my life and it's very important to me". Is there anyone in my life that I absolutely need? No, not if you consider a need life/death. Or even happy/unhappy. I would be hurt if certain people left my life, but I would also move on.

^All of that says it brilliantly!

[NeonKaos]

The only thing I really need is someone who can handle situations on my behalf sometimes. This person happens to be my husband, but it does not have to be someone in a love-partner type of relationship. It used to be my mother before she died. There are not many people capable of fulfilling this kind of thing.

[greenearthal]

I like the depth of discussion in this thread very much.

[crisare]

I wonder if a better way of saying "not one person can fill my needs" would be to say, "different people access different parts of me".

I'm saying this with respect, so I hope it doesn't come across as a flame because it's not meant to be - but to me that sounds like a new-agey psychobabble way of saying "different people fill different needs". To me it demonizes the word need and puts people in a position of having to examine everything they say under a microscope.

Rather than demonizing the word, why not realize that the word doesn't always have a negative implication?