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Old 09-30-2011, 07:16 AM
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Gypsystarrs Gypsystarrs is offline
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Default Chips...

S and I are a lesbian couple that have been together for four years.

I travel and am not home a lot...one and rarely two weeks out of any 3 month time period.

She has a low libido and has made no secret of that since the beginning of our relationship. Mine is "normal" to high. She says she only has so many libidinous chips to spend. Okay. Get that.

What I don't get is why she and I don't have sex on the rare occasions when I am home but she has enough chips to spend on her the guy that she's seeing. Everytime they've seen each other they fuck.

She says she cannot see why I'm upset or hurt that she and I don't have sex or make love or fuck when I am home. This last time I was home I got to meet P for dinner. He drives three hours. They stayed at a hotel and I went home. I met them for breakfast the next morning...it's obvious that they have been up all night. She sleeps all the way to our home and then crashes on the couch.

If there is a finite quantity of her libidinous chips I find it hard to be okay with (read not jealous) that she doesn't spend any on me on the finite time that I am home. Honestly, I think it would be different if I lived at home and she and I had more occasion to be together sexually. She has said that she feels "pressured" and that I am "expecting" sex and therefore she does not feel sexual with me. All of this is a bit more sticky too because we have a BDSM style relationship as well; it's not strict 24/7 but there are overtones in nearly everything we do. She is the dominant/top and I am the submissive/bottom.

How do I reign in my jealously/hurt about not having any chips for me? How can I not see it as a personal affront that she doesn't have sex with me but will have sex with him?

Some insight would be fantastic. I am trying. I truly am. I'm just having a hard time right now.

Thank you!
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Old 09-30-2011, 10:01 AM
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Hullo and welcome!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gypsystarrs View Post
Everytime they've seen each other they fuck.
I was originally thinking that maybe it is a question of proximity - when she's in the mood he is there - but you mentioning him driving three hours to be with her sort of brings that theory crashing down.

How long has she been together with this guy? If it's less than two years, there is probably a lot of NRE (new relationship energy) going on still. Do a tag search on "NRE" and you'll see that this behaviour, although certainly not okay, is very common.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gypsystarrs View Post
She has said that she feels "pressured" and that I am "expecting" sex and therefore she does not feel sexual with me.
I don't know if you've sought general sex advice, but most of the stuff written for straight mono vanilla couples applies just as well. Put your focus on just being together and reconnecting after your absences, have date nights with no expected outcome, and voice clearly that not all cuddles or touches you initiate are sexual advances. Masturbate beforehand if necessary to pull this off. I don't know if this is your case but sometimes the focus is so much on sexual (dys)function after long absences that the whole "getting used to each others' touch again" phase is skipped alltogether.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gypsystarrs View Post
All of this is a bit more sticky too because we have a BDSM style relationship as well; it's not strict 24/7 but there are overtones in nearly everything we do. She is the dominant/top and I am the submissive/bottom.
Is her secondary relationship kinky too? Maybe it's time to shake up your dynamics on some level.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gypsystarrs View Post
How can I not see it as a personal affront that she doesn't have sex with me but will have sex with him?
Ask her what it is with this guy that makes her feel less of the pressure? Was the sex more frequent when the two of you started out? Were you already travelling when the two of you met?

Either something between you two has changed, or she and this guy are truly more combatible. Either way, you have options.
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Old 09-30-2011, 02:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gypsystarrs View Post
How do I reign in my jealously/hurt about not having any chips for me? How can I not see it as a personal affront that she doesn't have sex with me but will have sex with him?

Some insight would be fantastic. I am trying. I truly am. I'm just having a hard time right now.
Sheesh, I don't know but it does seem like a personal affront to me, I hate to say. It sounds like she's totally taking advantage of your good nature. You know, where's the excitement about having you back home, the "can't wait to see you again" racing pulse feelings? Instead she falls asleep with you after getting fucked by him. Crikey!

Hmm. Maybe she's decided she likes penises better now, or she's just not able to balance two relationships simultaneously. She seems to be very inconsiderate and insensitive about your feelings, AND she's putting the onus on you instead of accepting responsibility for her actions and examining her behavior. That sucks! The result is that now you think you have to make an adjustment and do something to avoid feeling the way you do, and to basically walk on eggshells around her, as if there's something wrong with you -- there's not!

You didn't say how long it's been going on, but you've definitely been dissed. Maybe the relationship has run its course and there's nothing more you can do. It doesn't seem like you would get anywhere if you put all the work into trying to fix things while she throws her hands up in the air in exasperation and hands you shitty excuses. I'm so sorry, that's just the way I see it.
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Old 09-30-2011, 02:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Sheesh, I don't know but it does seem like a personal affront to me, I hate to say. It sounds like she's totally taking advantage of your good nature. You know, where's the excitement about having you back home, the "can't wait to see you again" racing pulse feelings? Instead she falls asleep with you after getting fucked by him. Crikey!

Hmm. Maybe she's decided she likes penises better now, or she's just not able to balance two relationships simultaneously. She seems to be very inconsiderate and insensitive about your feelings, AND she's putting the onus on you instead of accepting responsibility for her actions and examining her behavior. That sucks! The result is that now you think you have to make an adjustment and do something to avoid feeling the way you do, and to basically walk on eggshells around her, as if there's something wrong with you -- there's not!

You didn't say how long it's been going on, but you've definitely been dissed. Maybe the relationship has run its course and there's nothing more you can do. It doesn't seem like you would get anywhere if you put all the work into trying to fix things while she throws her hands up in the air in exasperation and hands you shitty excuses. I'm so sorry, that's just the way I see it.
Wow, Cindie, for once I disagree with you! My thoughts are more in line with BU's. If Gypsy is gone for most of the year, it sounds like there is probably a lack of communication and emotional intimacy going on. I've actually seen this with my gf (not that I like it). If we've been apart for a while, she needs a day or two of talks and cuddles sometimes before she's raring to go sexually. It's a girl-thing, maybe? I'm more like a guy (being kinda genderqueer), if I see miss pixi, I want to fuck her. heh Sad, happy, confused, stressed, all good reasons to shag.

Also if Gypsy's gf is the Domme in the relationship, of course she might be feeling she gets to call the shots, sexually, and have Gyp take Her lead.

I agree there is probably NRE going on with the bf, and I do sympathize with the behavior of going to meet him at a hotel when G first got back from a trip, staying up all night fucking and sleeping the next day away. But I am extremely firm on the idea that NRE with a new partner doesn't mean you get to neglect the primary. However, maybe G's gf really resents her traveling so much and is passive-aggressively making her point.
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Old 09-30-2011, 03:00 PM
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I`d give the benefit of the doubt, and lean towards a emotional disconnect, that affects the sex life.

With so much time spent apart, when you do come home, I am sure you two need to discuss all the going-on of the household and family, etc.
She also might have a resentment built up over time, about you being away from home so much. Many 'single spouse`s' start feeling like they have to deal with everything 'alone'.

This is typical relationship stuff, that she doesnt have to deal with, when she is around 'Mr. Fresh Penis'.

They dont 'share' a life, so he can dote on talking to her about her, and she about him, and ..one thing leads to another. The personal connection builds, and her libido rises.

I like the idea of asking her what he does that helps her not feel pressure. I wouldn`t then try and copy that, but I would compare it to the differences in my own dynamic with her. Adjust accordingly. It might not hurt to tell her the demons in your head.
That you are scared. That you worry she prefers 'Mr.Fresh Penis' over 'Mz.Working Peach'.
Tell her you don`t want to think the worst of the situation, but you need help understanding. You need her to be very clear on how she feels. Nothing wishy-washy allowed.

Good Luck.
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Old 09-30-2011, 03:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Wow, Cindie, for once I disagree with you!
I could be totally off-base. I am a bit sleep-deprived, and for no good reasons. But I just felt like the whole hotel and falling asleep incident was a big "Fuck You." And the fact that S, the gf, says she "doesn't understand" why the OP is upset (I hate when people say that to me! Like I'm whacked out for having my feelings) and feels pressured to give sex and affection (when she has no problem doing it with that dude), without even looking at the possibility that she's contributed to the OP's upset in some way. That just seems so dismissive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
However, maybe G's gf really resents her traveling so much and is passive-aggressively making her point.
Good call and very possible, too!
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-30-2011 at 03:28 PM.
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Old 09-30-2011, 04:09 PM
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Yikes. I sorta fall between Nyc and the other posters. I think there could be legitimate reasons for this behavior that just need to be explored, identified and remedied. But I also think the fact that the gf doesn't see this as a problem is a major issue here... I mean, how would she feel were the roles reversed? I know I'd feel hurt and snubbed!

Regarding the D/s aspect, even people in 24/7 relationships need a safe space where they can step back from that dynamic and discuss things candidly as equals. Yes, I do believe in safewording for emotional/relational situations, not just sexual/physical ones. I think this is a big enough potential dealbreaker that you need to request that the two of step out of your D/s roles and work this out on egalitarian terms. Otherwise the power exchange might keep getting in the way of you really expressing what you need and her really hearing it.

Heck, maybe seeing you stop subbing, if only for an hour, will be enough of a shock to her system to make her think a little harder about what's going on here and what she might have to lose if she doesn't shape up.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 10-01-2011 at 02:03 PM. Reason: merge posts
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Old 09-30-2011, 08:47 PM
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Okay, Annabel, so to be clear, I wasn't saying D/s is sick or pathological, nor that there's something wrong with every person into it. That it isn't clear to me what the benefits are, certainly. No one's ever really been able to tell me how the dynamic enriches their life, beyond a leaning toward kinky behavior. That D/s goes against what I've been taught about to be respectful toward someone else, yes. I do not know how putting myself in a position that is below my partner will serve me. Yes, I can dig role-playing for sex, but I also know that this is a serious life choice for people. It's the 24/7 D/s that freaks me out. I just can't wrap my head around wanting to be a slave or putting someone else in charge of my life. The only reason I bring up how I am confused about it is so I can learn more, because it seems that I run into it everywhere there are poly people (which often frustrates me since I am not into it).

NK, regarding where you wrote, "I fail to see the benefit in holding the D/s dynamic responsible for this kind of abuse," I did not mean to imply that the dynamic was the reason that someone abused someone else. I know people can be cool and people can be jerks, whether in a D/s dynamic or not. However, I think that they had better be pretty damn balanced, emotionally well, and centered in themselves before getting into it. I've read many times here and there, however, that too many people in the dominant position don't know what they're doing or they abuse their position of power and do harm. Makes me wish there was a clearinghouse or something to make sure that the person you sign this sort of contract with has their head screwed on straight and understands and appreciates what a gift the submissive is giving them.

In the case of the OP, I questioned D/s in their situation not because of a blanket generalization about D/s (although I admit I find quite a lot of what I've read about D/s disturbing, I try to keep an open mind and I do acknowledge that people enjoy living this kind of dynamic, even though I don't understand it), but because of what appeared to me to be irresponsible and dismissive behavior of the OP's gf toward her. It's the people in the D/s roles I wonder about, especially the Dominant one, more than the roles themselves. See, the OP's situation is the kind where I wonder if one of the "players" (for lack of a better term) truly has the wherewithal to participate in such a dynamic without abusing the role they're in and potentially doing harm. Just like one could say to someone, "you're not cut out for poly," one could also say "you shouldn't be messing with D/s" if they're not willing to at least even look at their own behaviors. I mean, it seems like serious shit to me, and I'd think anyone would have to be on the alert for the emotionally bereft or disturbed individual (talking generally -- I'm not saying Gypsy's gf is disturbed, but that it seems she perhaps shouldn't be engaged in it if she won't act responsibly).

And to me, even if I were a submissive, I couldn't wait to say, "hold on we need to step out of our roles here so we can talk about this." I would want the freedom to speak my mind at the moment, no matter what role I'm supposed to be in, and confront shitty treatment right away. I don't think being in one of these power exchange relationships should preclude basic human rights to express ourselves and be treated with respect. If I were ever to want to try this kind of thing, it would certainly take a whole lotta trust in someone who had proven they were capable of handling this kind of responsibility before I'd ever even consider submitting to anybody.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-30-2011 at 09:12 PM.
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Old 09-30-2011, 09:12 PM
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I've had to read quite a bit on D/s, and sympathize with both perspectives. Yes, it's fucking insane, and yes, some people honestly want it. The same goes for polyamory, perhaps?

A D/s relationship, even a 24/7 one, can on the outside look like nothing particular. Not everyone in M/s dynamic will be wearing collars, not everyone in a power exchange relationship incorporates elements of BDSM as in whips and chains into their life (that was a surprise to me). Those kind of relationships might resemble traditional patriarchal marriages , with the exception that gender doesn't predetermine role. It doesn't mean that the slave will never stand up for themselves - just that after hearing their arguments, the master will ultimately make the decision.

That said, most TPEs seem to have an hour a day or a similar safe space practice where roles are discarded for egalitarian communication and voicing of wants and concerns. What little I understand of submissive's needs is that they want to give up control of some or most parts of their life to another person whom they trust. It doesn't have to be sex - it can be stuff like finances/spending money, diet and health/exercise, self-improvement etc. It's from there on the top's/dominant's/master's responsibility to see that their partners needs are met in that area in the best possible way. I've even read that dominants understand that they don't have needs, only wants, and that they can but those aside to take care of the needs of another person. And subs are different, too - some take greatest pleasure in obeying their doms, especially in doing stuff they wouldn't normally do, others want to please their partner and bask in the approval and surprised delight, some relish the possibility of a simpler, more stress-free existence.

That said, in my relationship with VanillaIce, we are not really into roles, safewords etc. It's not roles for us, and thus creating a separate fantasyland we would need to depart from to have a frank discussion isn't needed - if somebody wants to stop, have a time out, or talk about something, they just open their mouths and blurt it out. Like in a normal relationship, if somebody in the middle of sex says "Stop, I need a breather", you stop and give them a breather. BDSM is not something I would do of my own volition, but I have devoted myself to my partner, including accepting, supporting and trying to cater to all of her needs, wants and desires.

Back to OP: are you under orgasm control? If so, then your gf is just a self-centered asshole and you really need to talk about lifting that.
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Old 09-30-2011, 09:17 PM
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Hey Nyc,

I didn't take issue with what you wrote, since you had the courtesy to make it about you, as in "I don't get it," not about me or the OP or the other people on this board and in our lives who practice D/s... which is what River did when he wrote "I can in no way see how a 24/7 role playing game of the D/s type should not be seen as pathological.There, I said it." True, it was technically an "I" statement, but seriously. I mean, "harsh."

We field questions here every day from anguished people on this board whose partners are hurting them and who aren't in D/s relationships. Carma and Sundance? Not doing D/s. If they were and everything else was the same, I imagine you might have a hard time considering the idea that the D/s was not necessarily to blame. But it's not. People are often assholes. Poly people, mono people, vanilla people, kinky people. It's a sad fact of life.

I suggested that the OP deliberately and fully step out of her D/s role with her partner for a discussion of this potentially relationship-breaking problem just to be absolutely, positively sure that it wasn't getting in the way here. I see no reason at all to assume it was causing the problem, since NRE and thoughtlessness are so sadly common.

If you want to better understand what it's all about, I can't think of a better resource to direct you to than this one: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
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