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Old 10-02-2011, 10:06 AM
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sadibird sadibird is offline
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Default Bisexual, feeling monogamous and thoroughly confused

I was wondering if anyone else has felt the way I'm feeling.

I'm bisexual but have only ever been in relationships with men (I'm a woman), and have been feeling for a while that I really need to explore being with a woman to know who I am. Also, the fact that a hot woman can turn me into a stuttering blob of jelly makes me very curious and interested.

My man and I have been together for 3.5 years now and living together most of that time, and we're very serious about our relationship. We plan to get married as soon as we're out of school.

He's been very supportive of my feelings about needing to be with a woman (at first he was more appreciating the idea from a "girl on girl is hot" perspective, but that's changed). He isn't particularly inclined to be monogamous, and he has had sex with a couple of people while we've been together - we talked about it first and I gave him the go-ahead. He's what I call a recovering catholic, so it's been difficult for him to accept his feelings about sex. I was raised with more of a hippie mentality and so it's not weird or strange for me.

Now you might think, why don't I just go date a woman? I'm feeling like I can't really be sexual with someone I don't love, and that I can't love someone without ignoring everyone else. I know from experience - from being intensely attracted to several of our friends (one female, one male) - that that attraction makes me ignore my current relationship.

I guess what I'm asking is this: does NRE usually cause tunnel vision, is that usually harmful to an existing partner, or am I just hardwired to be monogamous?

I'm sure there's a better way to put all this (and I would have probably said it better if I weren't so tired).
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Old 10-02-2011, 11:12 AM
Zenferno Zenferno is offline
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NRE definitely gave me "tunnel vision" when I started getting serious with Paramour and it started to hurt my marriage. I've learned to reinvest NRE into my relationship with my wife and she loves it! You could try it while you're still in the fantasy stage and see how it pans out for you.
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Old 10-02-2011, 11:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sadibird View Post
I was wondering if anyone else has felt the way I'm feeling.
Yep.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sadibird View Post
I know from experience - from being intensely attracted to several of our friends (one female, one male) - that that attraction makes me ignore my current relationship.
What happened to these attractions?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sadibird View Post
I guess what I'm asking is this: does NRE usually cause tunnel vision, is that usually harmful to an existing partner, or am I just hardwired to be monogamous?
Often, often, maybe.

The uncomfortable fact remains that things might change. Even if you feel hard-wired now, it could change in the future. Sexual orientation especially is known to fluctuate, and a few mono-identified people start exploring polyamory after all, and some poly-identified people might go mono "for the right person" .
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Old 10-02-2011, 11:31 AM
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It is normal for so many people.

I find what works for me - and this means it may not work for you - is to make sure I schedule time in for any current relationships I have going.
So, I may be pursuing newbie - but I schedule in Wednesday night, from 9pm until I have to go to work, for Shannon. And Thursday arvo (from the time I finish work, until the time his wife arrives home) for Simon. These times involve no contact with anyone else, just energy going in to the one person.
These sorts of schedules do not work for everyone (although I know Simon uses it to sort his week-to-week dealings!), but this is what works for me.
Shannon just comes home when hungry, and hey, that's what works for Shannon!
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Old 10-02-2011, 02:15 PM
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These times involve no contact with anyone else, just energy going in to the one person.
I think for me this is the key! I don't usually schedule time, athough I'm sure that can be good for some people. But I make sure that I spend time with both of my partners, and also enough alone-time. And when I'm spending time with one partner I focus on them and whatever we're doing. NRE easily makes you obsessed and think about the person all the time, but the least you can and must do is to also give your undivided attention to your existing partner regularly.
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Old 10-02-2011, 02:16 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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arvo
Australian slang for afternoon.

Had to look it up.
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Old 10-02-2011, 04:16 PM
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Australian slang for afternoon.

Had to look it up.
Thanks! I was wondering why there was the Finnish word for 'value' interjected in the middle of an otherwise English text .
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Old 10-02-2011, 09:04 PM
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sadibird sadibird is offline
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Thanks for the replies and advice!

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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
What happened to these attractions?
The first was with a close female friend. I'll call her S. I started having this intense need to kiss her, and she certainly didn't help matters. Essentially, another close friend decided that he had "dibs" on her and that he was going to make it impossible for anyone else to have any sort of relationship with her until he had the chance to tell her how he felt. As he is my man's best friend, I thought that no matter what I was feeling I ought to give him the chance to make his move.

As we knew would happen, he was rejected. S ended up finding a boyfriend, getting pregnant, and having a baby. I was her friend throughout all of this, present at the birth, and am an honorary aunt to the baby. It's only been in the last 6 months that the attraction has faded. I guess it's just how that works sometimes - you don't act on something and it eventually fades in favor of someone else.

The second was more recent. I've become close with another of my man's friends. I'll call him F. F is constantly having relationship issues due to past issues of abuse (by his parents), and I act as a sounding board for him. Except it started getting really hard to listen to him when he's going into detail about all the sex that he's having/he had. This got majorly intense when my man was stressed out and had no sex drive*. All I could think about was, "I'm horny, he's horny, what's the problem?" Plus there's my need to rescue people.

Seeing as F is basically a brother to my man, I realized that a) he would never touch me out of respect to my man, and b) I would never be forgiven by anyone in my man's life if I did anything with F.

*I have a very high sex drive

Both these times I felt completely separate from my man. It's kind of like when I have PMS really bad and just don't feel any attraction/love towards him (I've learned not to make life decisions when I have PMS).

I guess that with our new agreement to open our relationship (he wants me, and another woman to just have sex/friendship with), I was feeling like, "Yeah, me too - I want to sleep with someone else!" I just get this feeling that I can't focus on loving more than one person at a time. For me love and sex very much go together.
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Old 10-03-2011, 06:19 AM
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There is a certain amount of separation with poly regardless of NRE. The co-dependant bit isn't as strong, or even in existent in most poly relationships. There is nothing wrong with that. It just takes some getting used to.

What would happen if you totally feel into NRE with another person? Would you run from your partner? Would you some how fall out of love with them? I suggest really allowing your mind to go there rather than avoiding it. Really see what you think you would do. No one knows what would really happen, but one thing is for sure, you won't know until it does and all you can do is prepare in all the ways you know how and see what happens.

I suggest you let your partner and whomever you get involved with know that this is a possible issue for you.
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Old 10-03-2011, 07:01 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
There is a certain amount of separation with poly regardless of NRE. The co-dependant bit isn't as strong, or even in existent in most poly relationships. There is nothing wrong with that. It just takes some getting used to.

What would happen if you totally feel into NRE with another person? Would you run from your partner? Would you some how fall out of love with them? I suggest really allowing your mind to go there rather than avoiding it. Really see what you think you would do. No one knows what would really happen, but one thing is for sure, you won't know until it does and all you can do is prepare in all the ways you know how and see what happens.
I'm not sure what you mean about the codependent bit of relationships - do you mean the closeness and joined at the hip part of a monogamous relationship? We definitely have some of that going, and it would feel weird to me not to have that.

I know I need to think about this a lot more. My partner and I have talked about it quite a bit in the last week or so, but he gets overwhelmed if we talk about too much at once, and it might be a hormonal thing but I've been getting emotional at the thought of not being completely devoted to him. I realize that sounds odd. We're both very careful about our relationship as we've both lived through the crap of our respective parents' divorces and don't want to repeat their mistakes (lying, deliberately hurting each other, cheating, being unwilling to compromise).

This is so weird for me. I'm young (21) but very independent and mature for my age, so I'm not used to encountering something that I can't figure out or don't already know how to do.

Last night I had this weird freak out about this poly metaphor involving running shoes (something about wanting to buy new shoes but not abandoning my favorite pair, I think).
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