My story

[dreamyer]

Hi everyone! I have to start by saying how happy I am to have found this forum. It's good to have an outlet. My husband and I have been saying the same things to each other, back and forth, and over and over, for quite a while. It will be good to get perspective from someone else.

We have been married for 11 years now. We're more in love today than we've ever been. It's a wonderful feeling. I see us as being beyond husband and wife. We've come full circle and arrived again at the amazing friendship that inspired it all.

Several years ago I came into my own as a bisexual woman. My husband has been very supportive. I've been free to have my own experiences. He's been free to join whenever my girl was willing. It's been fun!

However, we have both fallen madly in love with our best friend. She's been living with us for a year and a half. We've known and loved her for many years. This crazy affair started over 2 years ago. One night, after several drinks, we fell into each other's arms. Rolling and tumbling over one another for hours. There was no actual penetration, but everything else.

We laughed and joked about it for awhile. Then it happened again and again. Sometimes while drinking, sometimes the morning after. Now, it happens often enough that she sleeps in our bed most weekends. Sounds wonderful, right? Almost.

She just can't let herself go with my husband. She has once or twice in a moment of weakness. But there is a block there. She says she loves him, that she finds him attractive, he's charming and smart. All the things that she says she wants in a man. But she can't see him that way. Meanwhile, we're watching her go through a string of fellas that never measure up. There's a very standard formula to our relationship: She and I are always open to physical love. When she finds a boyfriend it tapers off but doesn't stop completely. As she gets tired of that guy she starts to heat it up with me more. Then, she starts letting my husband in a little too. If they get too close she'll fall back into the relationship she's unhappy with or (if she's single) she'll rush into the arms of the next psuedo-acceptable guy that crosses her path. Then, she distances herself for awhile just to start it all over again.

She has another habit that just adds to the frustration of the whole thing. If there is ever another girl that she might suspect of being interested in the two of us she reacts just as you might expect with jealousy. Making herself more available to both of us than any other time.

Now, I'm ranting I know. But, I'm relieved to find someplace where I can and someone might understand. My husband and I have been as open and honest as we could possibly be. We've kept nothing secret from her or each other. We just don't know what to do with the current situation. We all love each other very much. There is no doubt about that. There is just a sexual tension that's damn near unbearable. She wants me, I want her, I want him, he wants me, he wants her, she doesn't want him. That's how it boils down. Sounds pretty cut and dry. The problem is that she isn't always convinced that she doesn't want him. I've seen the desire between them, the passion in their kisses...

Goodness me. I think I've said enough this morning. Thanks for hearing it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[AnnabelMore]

It sounds like maybe what she wants for her future is a relationship that's all hers with a man of her own. Maybe she's afraid that if she falls in too deep with your husband it'll break her heart because he'll never be "hers"... maybe she either doesn't believe in the possibility of an equilateral triad, correctly perceives that they're very very hard to achieve or just doesn't want that for her life. Maybe she worries that if she falls in love with him and it hurts too much she'll have to break things off with you too and hates that idea.

Have you and her ever discussed anything like that at all?

[AnnabelMore]

That scenario might also explain the jealousy, because if she saw another woman get what she wants but thinks she can't or shouldn't have, that could also make it too hard for her to stay in the situation.

[nycindie]

It sounds to me like she just can't quite get past a monogamous way of thinking that tells her not to cross a certain boundary with a man who is YOUR husband. It doesn't sound like she doesn't want him; it sounds like she's afraid to have him, perhaps because it's "wrong" to her or she feels it would disrespect you somehow. So she focuses on others to take her mind off him.

But something else struck me about what you wrote:

Originally Posted by dreamyer

Several years ago I came into my own as a bisexual woman. My husband has been very supportive. I've been free to have my own experiences. He's been free to join whenever my girl was willing.

So it sounds like you can do what you want and he participates if the woman "is willing," as you said (I have a personal dislike for calling women girls, sorry). You said it's been fun. Well, now, sometimes she's willing and other times not willing, so what's the issue here? Why should he pursue it? Why should she change? Did he stop letting it be a casual, from a "if it happens it happens" kind of thing to something where now he's expecting sex with her? Maybe she's feeling pressured in some way.

Sounds like hubs should get his own girlfriend(s) and leave you to yours.

[dreamyer]

Thanks to everyone for their feedback. To answer some questions. I have always openly discussed my feelings and desires with my friend. I am not one to keep secrets about things. Especially when they are so important to me.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by dreamyer

Thanks to everyone for their feedback. To answer some questions. I have always openly discussed my feelings and desires with my friend. I am not one to keep secrets about things. Especially when they are so important to me.

Oka-a-ayy... I am not sure which questions you're answering, but I'm glad you found our responses useful!