Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 09-28-2011, 04:59 AM
Prax's Avatar
Prax Prax is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 6
Default Hi, I'm Prax

Hi poly people!

I'm Prax, a 20-year-old woman, currently the hinge in an open V with two men. J, my fiancÚ of two years, currently lives in another state as I attend college. A, a new boyfriend of this year, is one of my roommates at school.

Since I introduced both of them to polyamory, I feel a lot of pressure to explain poly theory to them, and often spend too much time worrying about whether they are being completely open with me. J has been struggling with some jealousy lately, especially now that we can't live together until the summer. Though I have dated other men since the beginning of our relationship, my relationship with A is the first one that moved beyond casual.

It doesn't help that I'm not really sure how each of them stand on the poly-mono scale. J describes himself as poly, but has never dated anyone outside of our relationship, and doesn't seem to want anything but a sex partner for when I'm away. A is completely new to poly relationships and knows virtually nothing about it, but says he's always liked the idea of open relationships. He too does not seem interested in actively seeking any other partners.

I sometimes find myself wishing they (J especially) would more actively pursue another partner, just so they could empathize with me and see that one relationship doesn't take from the other. J has tried a bit, but has had a hard time finding someone. This has lead to him feeling jealous of me because of my dating success.

J and A will be meeting for the first time this weekend, when J comes to visit. Fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly. I keep telling them that all I want is to make them feel as safe and happy as possible - I am so happy with both of them, I wish it could be just as easy for them to accept each other and realize that my feelings for the other never detract from our relationship.

On the bright side, I have found that having my first serious OSO has, if anything, strengthened my feelings for J. I find the small differences between them help me to appreciate things that I usually take for granted.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 09-28-2011, 04:03 PM
OriginalMike OriginalMike is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Spokane, WA, USA
Posts: 7
Default

Just my two cents worth - as you are young enough to be my daughter, I would encourage you to wait a long time before doing the walk down the aisle thing (as you mention fiance). With the housekeeping out of the way - I am so glad for you that at 20 you have discovered there are alternatives to being mono, and have comfortably identified yourself as being poly.

Don't worry about whether your partners are mono or poly, it is something they will need to figure out for themselves.

You have an advantage I did not - the ability to go into a primary relationship with the poly cards face up on the table. In my case, it morphed into it and my bride is not overly pleased.

I would suggest some reading aloud with your partners. Our favorite is "Opening Up" and be taking turns reading and then discussing, it is both very intimate and lets each person know they can openly and honestly discuss any topic.

I'm also a firm believer in my partners knowing each other, and if not being friends, at least get along with each other.

I'd agree - my having an OSO has caused me to love my wife more than I ever felt was possible.

Ciao ~ Mike

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall never break.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 09-28-2011, 11:46 PM
Prax's Avatar
Prax Prax is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 6
Default

Thanks for the advice! And don't worry, marriage is not actually that important to either of us right now, but we consider ourselves engaged mostly for the sake of my (highly religious) family. We don't plan to actually marry at least until both of us are finished with our education, if then.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 09-29-2011, 01:15 AM
OriginalMike OriginalMike is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Spokane, WA, USA
Posts: 7
Default

LOL - I wasn't worried, just passing out my free advice :-)

Those highly religious families do not seem to be overly understanding at times.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 09-29-2011, 07:40 PM
bassman bassman is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Surrey UK
Posts: 262
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by OriginalMike View Post
Those highly religious families do not seem to be overly understanding at times.
aint THAT the truth!
__________________
Male M, struggling noob.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 09-29-2011, 10:07 PM
OriginalMike OriginalMike is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Spokane, WA, USA
Posts: 7
Default

Which is a terrible shame. So much of religion is about control, when it should be about loving and caring about our fellow humans.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:59 AM.