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  #81  
Old 01-04-2012, 07:11 AM
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hiya,

I knew if I kept reading long enough, I'd find my story. Okay, it's not exactly my story.

I just want to express my really deep gratitude for this thread. It's helped me SO much. And particularly tonight, I've been feeling extra crazy for the last few days.

BL, I'm pretty much the acknowledged fucked-up one, in my head and in theirs. I've been wanting to leave forever, and have been finding ever more creative ways to not leave.

Bless you all. Thank you all.
<3
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
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Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #82  
Old 01-05-2012, 10:46 PM
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NovemberRain, I'm so glad to hear that this thread had been helpful to you. Its hard to feel like the fucked up one and feel like you don't have anywhere to get a reality check. Even though I am still in the midst of my crazy situation in so many ways, the advice I have gotten here so far has really helped me put my situation into perspective in a major way. And I don't feel so fucked up anymore. If you would like to share more about your particular situation, I'd be really interested in hearing about it.

My latest update is that my new situation with K is going great (i.e. the NRE is fabulously intoxicating!). And Alex has calmed down enough that we revisited our inital agreements that we had developed during the Sam situation and she was able to loosen up on a lot of restrictions that had been hard for me to adhere to. Agreements like: no exchanging of gifts, limitations on the amount of contact/talking outside of arranging playdates, no "dating" - meaning no going out to dinner or doing things that constitute "courtship, like flowers - no sleepovers. All these things have been renegotiated and I feel like I have a new lease on life with some newfound freedom. In some ways Alex and I may still be playing into a co-dependent dynamic, since I have wanted these things for awhile and still want looseness on other things, and there are still her angry outbursts to contend with, but I'm also trying to figure out how to balance the idea of going at the pace of the one who is struggling most, acknowledging the work that she is doing, and also giving voice to my own needs.
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  #83  
Old 01-06-2012, 07:28 AM
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I have a thread in the 'Life Stories' section that tells my stuff.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19699
My Radical Journey into Self Love

I have been feeling so crazy the last few days! My current bf stopped talking to me! I was pissed because we had said we'd spend New Year's Day together, and he made one (ONE) phone call to my cell phone that didn't reach me, and that was it. We live 100 yards from each other! He knows all three of my phone numbers. So I sent a snotty email and then he got pissed and other things and yah! On Monday, I cried like I have not cried in a long time. (a little detox going on there too).

Tonight, we had a chat, and it's very much better. I was even able to talk to him about going to see first bf this coming weekend. The only thing that got me through it was kind of NRE, I think. I just feel so full of love that it keeps giving me strength and I love them both for loving me and for loving each other. What they each have to give sustains me through what I don't get from the other.

Quite the adventure.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #84  
Old 01-06-2012, 02:02 PM
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I'm glad to hear that things have been better!
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  #85  
Old 01-10-2012, 05:53 PM
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Thanks for pointing me in the direction of your story, NovemberRain. It was very interesting to read and to be able to relate so much to some of the things you are going through. It is so up and down with my primary partner Alex that sometimes I find it hard to trust my intuition about what to do. We have been together 5 1/2 years and I can hardly believe how much growing we both have done in that span of time. Even though things get really hard sometimes, I can't believe how many deep issues (both personally and as a couple) we have been able to get to and start working through. Hers have a lot to do with insecurity and anger, mine to do with trusting myself and communication.

We have gotten a lot of support from poly friends in our community, and I feel incredibly blessed to live in an area where many of our friends are poly. Even so, sometimes I find it hard to talk to people about what is going on with me. With my very closest friends (most of whom are monogamous), for some reason I find it easier to talk with them when things are hard. Right now I am enjoying a particularly lovely period of NRE with K, and Alex has been fairly relaxed and supportive of the relationship lately.

What I have with K is quite different from what I had with Sam (who moved away recently), which I think is part of why I am drawn to her. Sam was very intense, boyish, younger than me, and somewhat impulsive, in a way that made her seem even younger than her years. She lived a bit like a vagabond, moving from one random living situation to another, her room always a mess like a frat boy's. We always had to find some neutral third party place to meet up because her living situations were always so precarious and my agreements with Alex are such that I cannot take other partners to our home. Sam is a very sexually open person and although she is a person of few words, I found it easy to communicate with her because she is so straightforward and receptive.

K on the other hand is older than me, a passionate artist while also being very grounded. She talks and laughs a lot and is more feminine than most women I am attracted to but also very tall, broad, and muscular. She is extremely sweet and thoughtful, has made dinner for me on multiple occasions already and always has flowers for me. She treats me like a total princess and is so tender and dreamy and sensual with me. I know this is the NRE making me swoon like this and I am trying to just relax into it and fully enjoy it. There's that part of me in the back of my mind feeling a bit nervous about the possibility of falling in love with her, although I know there are a million ways to define that and even if I did it could certainly be a beautiful thing and doesn't have to be scary.

I'm also trying to channel some of this warm, fuzzy, giddy, longing, glowy stuff that is coming up with K into the other areas of my life that need it, like work and my relationship with Alex. I have read that advice in multiple places on this site, and at times I've been able to feel how that might work. I wonder if folks have specific ideas about how to do that? Like how do I focus on work when all my mind wants to do is daydream about my amazing night last night with K?
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  #86  
Old 01-10-2012, 06:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beginninglove View Post
...how do I focus on work when all my mind wants to do is daydream about my amazing night last night with K?
Oh I can relate to this. When I was seeing Shorty, my therapist was getting really sick of me coming in and talking only about him, instead of other stuff I needed to handle. She said to me, "Of course it's more fun to fantasize about having sex all day with someone but you need to deal with [fill in the blanks]."

Ever watch Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer? When a dog is fixated on something, he gives them a little tap with his foot or makes a noise to distract them and bring their attention elsewhere. We have to learn to do that for ourselves. When we realize that we're drifting off into daydreamy musings even though the work is piled up in front of us, we just have to find a way to "pinch ourselves" back to reality.

I get distracted a lot, though, not by just relationships but by all my thoughts and ideas. It can be a challenge, and I still believe I have ADD tendencies, though no professionals seem to concur.

I often use something physical to get myself back on track, like if I'm sitting at my computer daydreaming, I get up and start working on something that needs me to actually lift, move, or use my hands in some way. Doing something that makes you have to walk from where you are to somewhere else, even if it's a trip to the copy machine or break room, is good because you're using the larger muscles of the legs and that can shift one's psychic energies from the mental activity of the brain to the body. If I'm daydreaming in bed, I get up and go do something. And sometimes I have to say out loud the things I need to do, like a little mantra or song, and keep repeating it until I get stuff done. Sounds silly but it works.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-10-2012 at 06:10 PM.
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  #87  
Old 01-10-2012, 06:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I often use something physical to get myself back on track, like if I'm sitting at my computer daydreaming, I get up and start working on something that needs me to actually lift, move, or use my hands in some way. Doing something that makes you have to walk from where you are to somewhere else, even if it's a trip to the copy machine or break room, is good because you're using the larger muscles of the legs and that can shift one's psychic energies from the mental activity of the brain to the body. If I'm daydreaming in bed, I get up and go do something. And sometimes I have to say out loud the things I need to do, like a little mantra or song, and keep repeating it until I get stuff done. Sounds silly but it works.
I love this advice. Just sitting at the computer makes it extra difficult, because this forum and K's Facebook profile are just one click away... I think it might behoove me to get up and do some filing today!!
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  #88  
Old 01-18-2012, 12:36 AM
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Default maybe this is turning into a blog...

so i'm still as obsessed with this forum as ever, and feeling compelled to continue to post about my journey. i suppose that makes this more of a blog than a thread, so if it makes sense for a moderator to move this thread over to the life stories and blogs section, i would not be opposed. at first i was thinking that i'd need to change the title of this thread if it became a blog, but actually its still quite apropos. although i am now in NRE with K instead of sam, i think its telling that many of the same thoughts and feelings that i had in the beginning with sam are now coming up again for me with K.

i imagine that for those folks who are experienced with poly, this is old hat... this falling feeling, the physical cravings for that person, the obsessive thoughts. it all feels so fabulous but is also such an intense exercise in patience and self-restraint. it is so tempting to throw myself into this, to want to try to spend every possible moment with her, its like a little tiny hit of a powerfully addictive drug every time i look at a picture of her. they are not kidding when they compare this feeling to cocaine!!

being a queer woman, poly is certainly not unheard of in our community but it seems more common among the gay men than the women. its been years since i've been in any semblance of a straight world, so it is interesting to me to read the stories here and find that i can relate so well to them. immersed in a gay world, it is easy for me to make up that i don't have anything in common with straight people. crazy, i know.

things with alex are progressing. i think about what someone posted a couple of months ago, about how poly relationships only work if a person thinks their primary is just as (or more) fabulous as the other person/people she sees, and even though my feelings for alex are different, and sometimes i do fall into questioning the whole relationship (and probably will continue to do so at times), i do have enormous love and respect for her as i am watching her face her deepest demons and be willing to stretch way past her comfort zones in order to truly partner with me in this journey.

alex is travelling for work soon and will be gone for a week. i am feeling so excited and nervous about getting to spend a lot more time with K while alex is gone. for the first time, i will be able to sleep over at K's place and spend a lot of lazy time with her without having to look at the clock. i know for sure this will send me even deeper into the NRE, which almost feels like anticipating a drug binge! i know the indulgence will feel so good, but i also know the withdrawal will be almost as equally intense.
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  #89  
Old 01-19-2012, 09:08 PM
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i know i have said it before and i will say it again...NRE is extremely distracting. i have vowed to keep my mind on work today, and it works for short stretches of time and then my mind is off and wandering again. it reminds of the meditation analogy...our minds are like untrained puppies, you tell them to sit and they might for a second, and then they are off and running again. it takes a lot of practice to get that puppy to sit for long periods of time.

now that alex is away on business travel, it is up to me to figure out where my boundaries and time limits are when it comes to seeing K. all of me wants to throw myself into this with her and spend as much time as i possibly can inhaling the smell of her skin. intellectually i know this is a drug and i'm on an intense high and i should probably be careful, but the reckless and fun-loving part of me says, to hell with it! i am going to enjoy this for as long as it lasts!

it is also hard for me to not really fully know how K is feeling, lately she seesm more cautious than she did in the beginning and i am not sure what to attribute that to. over the past week we have not seen each other because i needed to spend more quality time with alex before she left, so i wonder if K is just not sure where we stand. its hard to know how much to delve into these "processing" types of conversations so early on in the relationship. so much of our connection (but not all) up to this point has been intensely physical, she is so tall and strong and sweet, it is hard for me not to just want to jump her when i see her and let the pheromones take over.

in my other world, alex has been exceptionally sensitive lately. needing a lot of reassurance and crying very easily. no matter how much time i spend with her, no matter how patient i am with her emotional outbursts, no matter how many times she says she is entering this mono/poly situation with me willingly and consensually, it seems like she is never fully secure and able to let go of her anxiety. at times she says she is feeling good, but its almost like an overcompensation, like "i know i'm the best partner and you are never going to leave me" but that sentiment never lasts long. last night she expressed worry that i would enjoy my time with her away so much that i would decide my life is more fun without her. i was so excited to have more freedom while she is gone that i didn't really know what to say. i love her and we do have fun together, but being with her feels so draining at times.
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  #90  
Old 01-20-2012, 05:04 AM
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I know what you mean about 'inhaling her skin.' Somehow, my warm neck scarf smells like First bf, and every time I put it on, it distracts me for a moment. I've always been overly scents-itive.

I have been overcome with new-found appreciation for Current bf at 'giving' me this, and 'allowing' this, and even supporting this (with First bf). The fact that I have them both allows me to overlook perceived 'flaws' in the other. They complement each other so well.

Do you have plans for staying in touch with Alex while she's traveling? My hallucinating myself in her situation says I'd be so thrilled to have texts or emails or phone calls from you; just reminding me I'm loved and thought of, even though I'm away.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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