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  #131  
Old 04-23-2012, 10:52 PM
Truebrooke Truebrooke is offline
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I've been following this thread, and think that BL is doing some brave processing. I left a "good" relationship last year because I felt I needed time to "do my own thing" and explore new loves, relationships, sex partners or whatever. I had been feeling stiffled in the relationship ( with Adam) and though I think we both could have the capacity (and perhaps now do) to work at a poly relationship, last year neither of us was up to it. It was painful for sure to make that choice, but I have learnt and grown imensly because of it. Of course a different sort of learning would have insued if I'd stayed. Listening to how I felt, and how often that "I feel trapped, I'm scared, I need ________" came up was important. Pay attention to how you FEEL with different people. Do you feel free-er, more alive? more loving?Do they facilitate you loving yourself?
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Originally Posted by beginninglove View Post
hmm, that is some super interesting feedback. i definitely have noticed that my body was more energized when i was convinced i would break up with her, and now i feel more anxious/tired. but i have been attributing it to just the hard work that comes with long-term relationships, thinking that we/i will come out on the other side of this eventually.
I think it's really important that you noticed when your body felt energized. This is crutial!! Our brain/intelect has been overemphasized in our current culture, and I believe our bodies have a lot of wisdom to offer us if we'd only listed. I've been doing a lot of learning about this in my own life, including learning about specific female body issues connected to emotional responses and patterns. (check out the book "Women's bodies, Women's wisdom by Cristiane Northrup)

BL, you mentioned about sliding into depression. I spent many months with Adam being emotionally unhealthy, and yet fearing that I couldn't leave him because he was my support. I've been blessed to find loving people outside of that, and find myself much healthier in all ways as I learn to listen to my body, not feel guilty about what I want/need (and learning how to non-accusingly state this. You're statement sliding under a blanket....love should make you unfold and feel free. Not like you need to crumple and hide. Sometime we tell ourselves a relationship is loving just because that fits with the story we've told ourselves (and our circle of "friends"). Keeping up with a pre-scribed story when it goes against what you *know* somewhere in your body is, in my opinion, dangerous, and unhealthy.
I'm not saying I know what you should do in your circusmstance....just that I applaud your desire to be honest. Keep listening to your body. Do small things to let your body know you are listening, a gentle bath, and soothing words. Sometimes I find it helpful to acknowldege part of my body/feelings as if they were another person....."breast, I hear that you have an abnormality, I'm interested in if there's something you'd like to bring to my attention through this...." or when you feel trapped with Alex "body, I hear your trapped feeling....thank you for bringing this up...I'm not sure how to best act as a result of this feeling, but know that I hear you and want you to keep informing me...."
here's the other wrench in my confidence as of late: in the past month, both my mother and sister have been diagnosed with breast cancer. i went for a mammogram to get myself checked out, and as a result of microcalcifications they found they are asking me to come back for a biopsy. i am not terrified and i know i will be okay no matter what, but it has brought home how nice it is to have someone who i know cares, knows my family and cares about them too, and who i know will support me through whatever i end up needing to go through. that's not to say i don't have other people in my life who will support me, because i do. it just has given me another perspective to think about. i don't want to stay with alex out of fear of being alone, but how does one weigh the pros and cons without thinking about these things?
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  #132  
Old 04-26-2012, 10:11 PM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
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thank you truebrooke for your response and your insight. i agree that the body is such an important source of information and guidance. i am practicing listening to it, and i notice that sometimes i can confuse myself by thinking about what my body is telling me to do especially when it come to NRE. of course my body feels relaxed and excited around K, and tense and anxious around alex (often), because of the circumstances. how do i distinguish between what my body wants to avoid (such as difficult conversations, facing alex's pain and insecurity) and what i "should" do despite that desire to avoid? and when all my body wants to do is bathe in the NRE with K, how do i override those bodily impulses to say "actually what i probably need right now is alone time"?
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  #133  
Old 04-26-2012, 10:28 PM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
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so last night was one of the worst nights of my entire life. i will make the recap brief. basically, i spent a lot of energy trying to make alex's birthday fun for her by planning a party, inviting all of our friends, decorating, getting food, etc. i had a lot of anxiety because we had had a difficult night the night before, and i really did NOT want to mess up her birthday. oh man. then, for some still unknown to me reason, i handed my phone to her to hold for me. i do not know why i did this! later everyone was looking all over for her, and it turned out she had been in the bathroom for a very long time, reading all of my texts. she did this with my email once before, so i should have known better, but really when it comes down to it i have nothing to hide. the problem is, from her insecure, panicked perspective she read into every conversation i had with K and other friends and made it mean that i had been lying to her about something. i am still not sure what in those texts made her think i was lying to her about something because she was never specific and i think i have been really honest (while sparing her the "gory" details, at her explicit request). she mentioned that fact that i called K "love" in a few of my texts (as in, "goodnight love") and a joke i had made to a friend about strapping it on for a guy, but its hard for me to believe she was that mad about those two things.

anyway, she came out of the bathroom livid. she took me outside and proceeded to yell at and berate me. called me a piece of shit and a horrible, evil person. she told me she hates me and its over. i went to turn away and she grabbed me hard by the collar and spun me around to face her. it was horrible. all of our friends were still inside. i walked away in the rain, without my coat or my wallet and got as far as i could. i stood in a doorway blocks away until my best friend came and got me. a friend later told me that alex went back into the party and talked to some folks about what had happened. then everyone dispersed.

talk about the most melodramatic ending possible.

i know this is my fault. i basically set it up to end this way. something had to give because i was too afraid to make the call myself, in a mature and proactive way. i was too scared of feeling the loss, too scared of alex's pain. i wanted her to end it but i didn't know what i would have to do to get her to. its such a chickenshit passive way to go about things but it is what happened. i guess it was my subconscious that knew that by giving her my phone i was giving myself an out. nothing in my conscious mind registered that. nothing in my phone was directly incriminating and i didn't feel like i had anything to hide. but it didn't matter. she reacted to what she made those texts mean in her mind, and she reacted the way she needed to react in order to be able to let me go.

ultimately i am grateful to her, even as i acknowledge that she invaded my privacy and that was wrong. i am glad she is taking some power back and that maybe now we can both truly start moving on.
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  #134  
Old 04-27-2012, 05:03 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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awwwww, sweetie, I'm so sorry for all your drama. Sounds like pretty normal, 30something lesbian life, to me. (been there, done that, got the scars) I'm so glad a friend did come to get you.

You sound really calm. Are you able to stay in friend's apartment, or will you have to be moving out somewhere this weekend?

Even though it wasn't the way your conscious mind wanted it, sounds like you're glad the decision is done.

Be prepared, she may change her mind. Maybe not, but it's been known to happen. I've thrown a lot of people out, and changed my mind.

{{hugs}}
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  #135  
Old 05-09-2012, 03:36 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Oh, so sorry to hear this. Wish I'd seen it sooner.

No, you're wrong, this isn't your fault at all. You've still got a lot of guilt going on.

I don't think that you subconsciously handed her the phone because you knew that would spark the end. That doesn't make sense. I don't think you were hiding anything in the text messages that you knew would provoke Alex to leave.

I do think you wanted Alex to end it for you, and that you've wanted that for a long time. But I think you were also trying really hard to make things work with her. You were the one who was being really patient with HER.

My college boyfriend wanted to get me to break up with him--and believe me, he treated me like shit to bring that about. There was no trying, no unconscious sabotage with him.

I think Alex is the one with the subconsciously unhealthy behavior here. Why did she read your texts on a day that you were trying to make special for her? Why did she extrapolate imaginary lies from texts that you weren't even trying to hide from her? Why did she pick a public fight in a way that humiliated you? Why did she say cruel things to you?

She's the one with the problems here.

So please stop beating yourself up.

In a less negative slant, Alex herself, in her own heart, may have known the relationship was over for quite some time, and she was looking for an excuse to end things on her own terms.

Two bits of advice:

1) Things will be okay. It may take a while, but really, trulyou will someday be okay again.

2) Don't throw yourself more into intense feelings for K because of this. Give yourself some personal space to deal with this. Take it slow with K.

Keep us posted.
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  #136  
Old 07-17-2012, 05:29 AM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
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so its been quite a while (almost 3 months!) since my last dramatic post. needless to say, my life has been in varied states of chaos since then, which contributed to me not posting here. but i also think i didn't know what/how much to write, and i have felt really all over the place with my feelings.

in the last 3 months, i have:
- moved out of mine and alex's house
- got my own apartment
- adopted two kittens
- fallen in deeper with K

i have also been all over the map in terms of how i have been coping with mine and alex's breakup, from feeling relieved and excited about my future, to feeling desperately like something must be deeply wrong with me for me to want to go smashing up my life like that. i have gone through periods of missing her painfully, wondering if i took her for granted. i also went back and read my posts here and in my private journal, and am reminding myself time and again how long i struggled with this decision and suffered in ambivalence and feeling stagnant and depressed.

on the other hand, having my own place has felt liberating. while i am still adjusting to the feeling of being alone, when i can relax into it i find that it suits me wonderfully. i love the down time, i love my feisty new kittens, i love making the place my own. K has been incredibly supportive of what i have been going through and very understanding of my moodiness. as is to be expected, the shift in my relationship with alex shifted my relationship with K as well. i have found myself confiding more in K, being more emotionally vulnerable with her. the sex is still phenomenal (!!) but we are more connected in other ways now too. its still not easy to get K to talk about her feelings, and i'm trying to just take the whole thing slow while getting through this breakup.

one of the unexpectedly hard things about this breakup with alex is losing most of "our" friends. even though i am still very connected to the friends that were/have always been "mine", alex got "our" friends in the breakup. its not even that i want those friends as "mine" because really that group was more her people than mine anyway, but i suppose what bothers me is how smoothly it all seemed to sort out, how everyone just sort of went that way and no one has checked in with me about it. granted, i haven't reached out either so i can't say i tried, but literally only one person from "our" group of friends has tried to contact me to see how i am doing through all of this. i guess it just makes me a little sad, and a little more aware of how precious close friends are, and how often the folks you share holiday barbecues and new year's eve parties with really are just acquaintances when it comes down to it.

i'm glad to be back here, reading everyone's stories and feeling a little less alone.
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  #137  
Old 07-18-2012, 06:01 AM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
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just spent a good few hours with alex, reconnecting and talking finances and figuring out how we are going to make this separation work logistically. i put two and two together and figured out that she is (finally) starting a sexual relationship with someone new. when she and i first started exploring poly, she was convinced that she was definitely mono and had no interest in seeing other people. now that she has started to experience the high of NRE, she seems to have more understanding about my perspective and even some compassion for some of the dumb things i did in the heat of NRE with sam and k. i also got to feel a little bit of jealousy, which is very good medicine for me. it felt helpful to remember how much she was willing to stretch for me and sit with her difficult emotions, even when she didn't always behave well.

the hard part of this breakup is that i still love her. i just was so unhappy in that relationship for so long that when i wonder if i made the right decision, i also wonder how i could have made any other choice? i don't see that anything would have changed for the better if i had stayed. i wanted to be freer to set my own boundaries with my other lovers and alex needed to feel control over the situation.

i feel a bit worried about this thing with k. i am so enamored with her, the NRE is still very strong 7 months into it but the communication is somewhat weak. i suppose i have been avoiding processing with her because the processing with alex has been so intense for so long. but K has dropped hints here and there about wanting me "all to herself" and i have kind of laughed it off until now. i have been so emotionally drained by the breakup with alex and at the same time so fulfilled by K sexually (and she's also been very supportive and comforting) that i haven't given seeing anyone else a second thought. even the idea sounds exhausting to me at this point.

BUT i'm going to the lesbian mecca in the woods next month for two weeks, by myself without alex and without K, but with thousands of other women there looking to connect and have fun. K knows i am going of course, but we have not talked about agreements at all. i'm dreading broaching the topic, which i know is irresponsible and perhaps lazy of me, because isn't this poly thing all about the processing????

i have to figure out a way to talk to k about this. how do i say, "look, i love our sex life and i know you want me all to yourself, but i'm going to the woods for two weeks with a bunch of other dykes and i can't make you any promises" in a way that feels respectful and still communicates to her how into her i am?
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  #138  
Old 07-24-2012, 04:01 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Thanks for the update, glad you are doing okay.

If it makes you feel better, in a similar situation, the friends who dropped contact with me had been my friends first--I didn't even know they were just his until they didn't bother to check in with me. One of them was one of my best friends ever, and I miss her terribly.

I'm glad your ex is dating again. But I don't think she was fair to you when she ended things--but somehow monogamous people seem to have to convince themselves that they hate their old partner before they can allow themselves the possibility of loving someone new.

Best of luck with everything. You should probably talk to K a little about her feelings about your lesbians-in-the-woods venture. Can't hurt to ask her how she feels.
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  #139  
Old 09-20-2012, 08:52 PM
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so, its been awhile since i have posted here. things have been very hectic with all the adjustments to my new life, and i have travelling quite a bit. alex and i are on good terms but she doesn't really want to have much contact with me. that has been really difficult to adjust to, as i miss her terribly, just her presence in my life. she went through a surgery recently and i found it very challenging to not be able to be there for her in the way i wanted to be, because she didn't want to see me and deal with all the emotions that would bring up. i get it, she needs time and space to heal, and i am the one that ended things. but it is still very hard.

things with k keep progressing, despite the fact that i have a lot of judgments about the situation because in some ways she and i are so different. i am trying to just let go of those judgments and allow myself to be present and enjoy the wonderful times that we spend together and the amazing sex we are having (and keeps getting better!) after 9 months of dating. she is having a hard time with the poly thing though. she says doesn't want to put limitations on me and she understands that i am just getting out of a difficult long-term relationship, but she also has negative reactions when i bring up the idea of me potentially having sex with someone else. i had a brief fling with someone on a trip recently, and she reacted pretty well, basically taking a deep breath and telling me it was hard to hear but she was glad i was being open and honest with her. really for me at this point its not even about having sex with other people, its more the principle of making sure hse understand that ulitmately its my choice and i don't want to be in a serious relationship right now, let alone a mono one. the sex wth her is so good that i find myself quite satiated and not looking for that with other people. but i still want to have flirtatious connections, be able to make out with people i'm attracted to and make my own decisions about my boundaries. i know that she may struggle with jealousy and that those feelings are her own. i'm trying not to take on any guilt about that or about who i am, because i know i have that habit from past relationships.
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