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Old 09-28-2011, 12:40 AM
liquidperfection liquidperfection is offline
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Default A perfect man and a not so perfect woman

Ok. the title is an attention getter.

I'll start with the reason for this email. I'm wondering if a third addition to our family (of 2) will be a good thing. We have some issues, as you will see below, but jealousy is not one of them.

A few facts, I'm str8, my partner is a bif. I have a high sex drive (my preference is 3-4x/week) and she happy with sex every other week. She's going through 'the change' and she's got some pain issue and sensitivity. She's going to the doctor to see if it can be remedied. She still loves to have sex with women, which I"m happy with.

She spends a lot of time on Reddit giving sex advice. Unfortunately, I think she needs to write herself an email asking herself for help. She can't explain what turns her on. She loves my touch, but she says it relaxes her, it does not excite her. She's doesn't really enjoy oral from me. I've never had this kind of an issue. If she's not into having sex, she's also not really into a handjob. She's also usually is very inactive during our play. She prefers to sit back and have me do all the work.

We always talk about finding a third woman. I'd love it and so would she. She feels like it would take off the pressure to have sex more often then she wants. But my concern is if we bring in another woman she will start to feel left out or inadequate...she does have that tendency now as she was bullied as a child.

When we started dating the sex was the hottest I've ever had. I never expected it to stay that way, I understand how the newness thing works, but I also did not expect it to get to the point where I've become gun-shy. I'm hesitant to go from the romantic massage and kissing to the next level. She's actually said, "I think you feel like you've been tricked. Hot sex at the start, we move in together and now look where we are".
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  #2  
Old 09-28-2011, 06:13 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by liquidperfection View Post
I'm wondering if a third addition to our family (of 2) will be a good thing. We have some issues...
din ding ding. Those two sentences indicate to me right away that its likely not a good idea to involve another person in your life sexually in a triad situation. If your relationship is not stable it is likely going to become more unstable with another person added. More people does not make a foundation stronger if it is already crumbling in my opinion.

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Originally Posted by liquidperfection View Post
She's also usually is very inactive during our play. She prefers to sit back and have me do all the work.
Has it always been like this? Is she generally an active person? If she isn't and used to be, it could be that she has not been getting out and exercising. Nothing like exercise and physical activity to get the body wanting MORE movement.

Either that or she is exhausted because she is over worked in some way... it would depend on the answer to the first question I asked really. That would give some indication of what could be going on...

Quote:
Originally Posted by liquidperfection View Post
We always talk about finding a third woman. I'd love it and so would she. She feels like it would take off the pressure to have sex more often then she wants. But my concern is if we bring in another woman she will start to feel left out or inadequate...
yes, I agree. and you could also be filled with NRE for this person and want to indulge in her in every way too. Ya, I think I gave my thoughts after the first quote on this.
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Old 09-28-2011, 04:33 PM
liquidperfection liquidperfection is offline
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Default thanks for the thoughts

A bit more info may help
She most always been more of a homebody. One of the things she loves about me is that I am pretty active and I like to meet new people, go to quiet parties, (I will go to the noisey ones but she hates it ). I tend to plan on a thing to do on the weekends, but I also try to make sure she has her own down time.

She also thinks of herself as lazy. Which is not in my dictionary. I don't accept her low opinion of herself and she is so much fun when she is not down on herself.

She had been treated for Depression (big D) but now it is more like depression like symtoms. She is trying some nutrients and she may also go to a behavior therapist.

I guess I have my hands full. But I am commited to making this work.

My biggest concern is that I left my ex after years of no sex. Now I find that I am on the higher end of sexual variety and my plan was to meet someone with whom I could enjoy the years we have left. Getting close to 60 so there's no knowing how long the fun could last, but it's a hell of a lot less than for a 40 YO.

I guess I need to have more of a talk with her.
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Old 09-28-2011, 10:31 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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I have to commend you for at least exploring polyamory as an option and looking for what might work. I hope you and she can talk it out and be open to creative solutions. Life is too short to give up on your sex life! Too many people are out there suffering silently. Kudos to you! She's a lucky woman.

Also -- maybe SHE would be the one overcome with NRE with a new girl! Hmmm.
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Old 09-29-2011, 01:00 AM
liquidperfection liquidperfection is offline
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NRE....hmmm....non recurring engineering costs or new relationship energy...lol. I had to look it up. I have thought about the fact that she might perk up quite a bit if she had a hot fun girlfriend. We actually may be moving to Florida and we met a couple with whom we all really seemed to click. We can't wait to see them again.
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Old 09-29-2011, 12:07 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by liquidperfection View Post
Ok. the title is an attention getter.
But what is this thing with "perfection?" 3 times, your name and your title?

Are you a perfectionist? It seems a tad disrespectful to call yourself perfect and her not so perfect. Aren't we all imperfect?

Quote:

A few facts, I'm str8, my partner is a bif. I have a high sex drive (my preference is 3-4x/week) and she happy with sex every other week. She's going through 'the change' and she's got some pain issue and sensitivity. She's going to the doctor to see if it can be remedied.
Pain during sex? Do you use lube?

Quote:
She still loves to have sex with women, which I"m happy with.
How long have you 2 been together? Not all that long, it sounds like. NRE has faded though, and you're left with the real you, the real her.

Maybe she actually prefers women? You 2 don't need to "share" one woman you know. She can have her own gf, you can get your own. Trying to share a unicorn usually doesn't work.


Quote:
She spends a lot of time on Reddit giving sex advice. Unfortunately, I think she needs to write herself an email asking herself for help. She can't explain what turns her on. She loves my touch, but she says it relaxes her, it does not excite her. She's doesn't really enjoy oral from me.
Maybe your technique needs work?

Quote:
I've never had this kind of an issue. If she's not into having sex, she's also not really into a handjob. She's also usually is very inactive during our play. She prefers to sit back and have me do all the work.

We always talk about finding a third woman.
You mean a third, a woman. Again, so many couples new to poly have the fantasy of the perfect unicorn who will be in love/lust with both of them equally, leading to fantastic 3way sex. This almost never happens.


Quote:
I'd love it and so would she. She feels like it would take off the pressure to have sex more often then she wants. But my concern is if we bring in another woman she will start to feel left out or inadequate...she does have that tendency now as she was bullied as a child.
Bring in 2 new women. One for her, one for you. Then she'll have her own thing and won't need to feel that a shared woman is hotter for you than she is.

Quote:
When we started dating the sex was the hottest I've ever had. I never expected it to stay that way, I understand how the newness thing works, but I also did not expect it to get to the point where I've become gun-shy. I'm hesitant to go from the romantic massage and kissing to the next level. She's actually said, "I think you feel like you've been tricked. Hot sex at the start, we move in together and now look where we are".
You say she's being treated for depression? Did she take an anti-depressant, or is she still? That can dampen sex drive, but trying a different one without that side effect can help.

I've also got a higher sex drive than my gf. Sometimes if I keep pressuring her, she gets less and less turned on. A couple weeks ago that happened, and I told her I was going to back off for the foreseeable future. The very next day, she attacked me.
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  #7  
Old 09-29-2011, 03:41 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Pain during sex? Do you use lube?
"Lube" is not the be-all/end-all solution to vaginal pain during penetration. When I was on depo-provera, I got "vaginal atrophy" (aka tight, dry pussy - the muscles and tissues of the vagina lose their elasticity), which is a side-effect of the estrogen-progesterone imbalance artificially created by the drug. Vaginal atrophy is also common during early stages of menopause, I subsequently learned from my doctor. But of couorse when i called them about my complaint the first thing the nurse told me to do was go buy some lube at CVS. I was like, "Look, I've had a LOT of sex and I know ALL ABOUT using lube. That is not what this is. Give me an appointment.". Turns out there is a cream called "Estrace" that helps with this very problem. The OP's wife should look into this as a possible source of and solution to her discomfort.
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