Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-16-2014, 03:28 PM
Mignonne's Avatar
Mignonne Mignonne is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Midwest/Illinois
Posts: 38
Default Young but with Even Younger Couple

I didn't think I was in the "young poly bracket," but apparently I am.

I have a very complex situation, or rather, my arrangement came about in a really convoluted way...

Anyway, since my late 20s I began to notice that a large portion of my "suitors" were even younger than me. I do not look my age, what I mean by that is I often get mistaken for early 20s, and sometimes even 18/19. It might have to do with being so petite and having large eyes, who knows/cares. I can't do much about my anatomy.

Either way, this began to bother me because the gaps are not getting smaller between these people and I. I am getting older and they are staying the same age. This is not to say no one older is interested, because they are, but the ones most "aggressive" in their pursuit are early-mid 20s.

Right now I am a bit out of my comfort zone, some of you may laugh at a difference of 7 years, because for many that is small. But it feels like a lot, to me. My previous relationship (which was monogamous) was the 1st time I entertained a romance with someone younger than myself, and he was 5 years younger.

Now I'm with a 24 year old, and his girlfriend/co-partner, is 22.

I think what enables me to forget Igor's age at times, is that he has been through a really rough life (much like myself) and it has given him a lot of perspective and wisdom that most men his age don't seem to have.

Anyway, as I stated in my introduction, I did attempt something with Baby who is 22. I do like women, in fact my first five relationships ever were with women only. And though she and I were intimate and had a courtship, I never felt much of anything during any of it. There were so many things preventing my attraction to her, mostly her maturity level and behaviors.

I still like her as a friend, very much so, but I feel like I am in an older sister role with her, or she is some teenager we/I am mentoring. She helps me out a lot, and I am grateful for her friendship, I just wish I could be attracted to her because she is clearly attracted to me. But every time I try it's like... I'm interacting with an adolescent, and I am def. not attracted to people that young (physically or mentally) even if they are of legal age.

What's more, is she sometimes (esp when drunk---did I mention drunkenness is a huge turn off too? lol) refers to me as her girlfriend. Is there any way I may possibly come to like her as more than a friend in the future? Or is she pretty much friend-zoned? It's been maybe half a year, and I think I have tried everything.

I don't think this is an age-number issue only, as Igor is only 2 years older and we are very mutually attracted (I still kinda wish he was a few years older, but it's not a factor in our relationship at this time.)

Thanks.
__________________
Moi <3: 31 Kinsey 3 bisexual F. FMF V (N?). Prior experience with poly, but monogamously inclined. Possibly looking for secondary in the future (preferrably a man or an older woman).

Igor: 24 heterosexual M. Established partner with Baby, and primary to myself.

Baby: 22 pansexual F, co-partner to Igor.

Last edited by Mignonne; 08-16-2014 at 03:50 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-16-2014, 03:34 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,497
Default

Could be her friend and not her GF because you are just not attracted to her romantically. Seems straightforward to me.

Is it that you dread talking it out and breaking up?

I sense you struggle, but not what you struggle about very clearly. Could you be willing to clarify?

Galagirl
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-16-2014, 04:06 PM
Mignonne's Avatar
Mignonne Mignonne is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Midwest/Illinois
Posts: 38
Default

I think the reason I feel bad about it is because she is very much attracted to me, even says she loves me. She's been saying that a while, which took me back a bit. The two of them seem to love fast, and with her it was a bit jarring.

I think that is why I made such a large effort to attempt courtship. It is her first poly... anything, she likes girls/women a lot, but she's never had a real girlfriend. She was so excited at the prospect of it, she would get super giddy just being around me.

Other than a few three-somes that Igor mostly initiated, she has lived a rather sheltered life and has had little experience with female amours.

As a very soft and sensual person, I wanted to show her a side of romance she had never experienced... and I did. I guess there is some guilt and feeling of responsibility for openning her eyes to that, and my returning little in the way but a sort of maternal fondness.
__________________
Moi <3: 31 Kinsey 3 bisexual F. FMF V (N?). Prior experience with poly, but monogamously inclined. Possibly looking for secondary in the future (preferrably a man or an older woman).

Igor: 24 heterosexual M. Established partner with Baby, and primary to myself.

Baby: 22 pansexual F, co-partner to Igor.

Last edited by Mignonne; 08-16-2014 at 04:28 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-16-2014, 04:52 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,497
Default

Are you saying you would feel better is she was not into you?

Are you saying because she expressed that she loves you or her idea of you, you felt obligated to date her and upon coming to find that you are not actually attracted to her, you regret dating people based on their professed feelings for you rather than your own feelings?

Are you saying you feel yucky because you chose to do something you knew ahead of time you were not especially into? And now regret it because you crossed your own limits?

Are you saying you wanted to "open her eyes" and be her first gf and having done that, you are done and got what wanted from the experience but now feel bad because she grew attached and you do not want that at this time?

Or something else? I am still confused.

Bottom line is still stop dating her to me. You are not into it at this point in time. That much is clear. So stop. Give it time, you will feel better.

To me feelings ensue after behavior. Stop doing the behavior that creates yucky feelings and give it time to process on out. Then you will feel more at peace.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-16-2014 at 05:07 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-17-2014, 02:58 AM
Mignonne's Avatar
Mignonne Mignonne is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Midwest/Illinois
Posts: 38
Default

I am sorry it isn't clearer, I wish I could elucidate my thoughts better. I'm a bit lost right now. Thanks for the advice though.
__________________
Moi <3: 31 Kinsey 3 bisexual F. FMF V (N?). Prior experience with poly, but monogamously inclined. Possibly looking for secondary in the future (preferrably a man or an older woman).

Igor: 24 heterosexual M. Established partner with Baby, and primary to myself.

Baby: 22 pansexual F, co-partner to Igor.

Last edited by Mignonne; 08-17-2014 at 03:28 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-17-2014, 09:12 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,042
Default

Its a shame that people who are new to poly, and meet a couple, and fall for one, then "try" to make feelings happen for the other partner, for some reason.

In my experience, either you like someone that way, ie: sexually, or you don't.

You don't have to be in an equal triad to be poly! In this case, it's perfectly OK you love, or are attracted to, the man, but not the woman. If she wants FF action, she can go get some with someone else. You're not obliged to fake being into her, if you're not. Let the relationships take the shape they need to take.

I hate all the emphasis on threeway sex I see here lately. People seem to think they are obliged to do it, even against their own desire or will. So odd.

Polyamory is loving more than one. It doesn't require 2 women getting it on to please their man. That is so sexist.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
I am in a somewhat new relationship with Luka
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-17-2014, 11:21 AM
Mignonne's Avatar
Mignonne Mignonne is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Midwest/Illinois
Posts: 38
Default

Thanks so much Mag, I did feel like there was pressure on me for it, though she certainly didn't say in so many words.

As I said in my other thread, she and Igor have had mostly FMF threeways. I am not new to poly technically but it's been so long since my last open relationship it might as well be. That and this formed in a really uncustomary way (for me).

There are times I do feel bad for Baby, because of how Igor is sometimes. I am not sure what to tell her and what to not... I wanted to give her what he doesn't and I still do! It's just like I am doing it without passion.

I do love her, but more as a kid sister. I sense a bunch of separate threads sprouting here, oddly, of the three of us, I am the most grounded and perceptive.

God, I feel lonely as hell more than I am confused, I have a good idea of how the relationship is forming and where it needs to go to function at its best, I just have no poly friends to just... talk about it. Glad I found this place.
__________________
Moi <3: 31 Kinsey 3 bisexual F. FMF V (N?). Prior experience with poly, but monogamously inclined. Possibly looking for secondary in the future (preferrably a man or an older woman).

Igor: 24 heterosexual M. Established partner with Baby, and primary to myself.

Baby: 22 pansexual F, co-partner to Igor.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:00 PM.