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  #1  
Old 09-20-2011, 10:37 PM
kp98cru kp98cru is offline
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Default so.. how do I move forward...

I intro'd myself in the "intro" forum.. My M and I have been close for a very, very long time. He's mentioned more than once us having a relationship aside from his marriage... stated that we would progress however I am most comfortable, be it living with them or he and I having our separate place for a while... I'm certain I would start by us having our own place.. my question is this... how do I broach the subject with him because I want to ask him if he's gotten her thoughts on this whole ordeal - he seems quite set on the whole thing.. so what is the best way for me to move forward in asking him about our future? TIA
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  #2  
Old 09-21-2011, 12:13 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kp98cru View Post
I'm certain I would start by us having our own place.
Kat, isn't that a rather huge step to take at this point? Granted, you've known each other a long time, and you have a friendship and know you love him, but you're not lovers or in a romantic relationship yet -- so why move in together? Why not live on your own and develop the romance without cohabiting? There are so many variables, it seems rather a rash decision to "get a place together," even if it is separate from his wife's. Is there a reason you don't want to live on your own and take it slowly?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kp98cru View Post
. . . so what is the best way for me to move forward in asking him about our future? TIA
Have you figured out what you want? It sounds like you're leaving your future up to him to decide. What is important to you? How do you want to live your life?

As far as bringing it up, you just ask him. Really, all you have to do is ask questions and tell him what you want directly:
"How do you envision our future together?"
"Have you talked about this with your wife?"
"I want to meet your wife before moving forward."
"This is what I what's important to me..."

If he hasn't spoken to his wife and gotten her consent, are you willing to walk away from this? Or do you still want to do it, even though he would be cheating?
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-21-2011 at 12:18 AM.
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  #3  
Old 09-21-2011, 12:20 AM
kp98cru kp98cru is offline
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Maybe I need to back up some. His wife is aware of our relationship, and is ok with it. He and I do have a romantic relationship. Though she is aware of our relationship, I dont know if she is aware of his desire to turn this the direction of the three of us living in close proximity or even together. (did that clear things up?)

as far as what i want... I do want to be with him.. He's been married the entire time I've known him and he and I have just gotten romantic over the past 2-3 years.. so I'm used to him having his life with her. So I'm fairly sure I would be ok with he and I having a separate residence from him and her.

sorry if i'm all choppy - this is really weighing heavy on my mind - plus i'm sick. he's not at all pressuring me or not letting me have time. I'm just really wanting to feel like I have a good handle on things before he and I move forward...
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Old 09-21-2011, 12:35 AM
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Oh, none of that was clear from your introduction, mostly because you wrote in that: "I want to know if he's broached this subject with his wife... and how does she feel about having a third person in their life?" So, by that you meant really just changing living arrangements? Sorry I was confused!

So, you are already involved as lovers, romantically, and have been for a few years now. And you know for certain that his wife is aware of this relationship he has with you and she consents to it. Correct?

Does she have a friendship with you as well? Do you ever socialize with her? Or is it kind of like she knows about you but there's no relationship between you?

Now he wants to either have a separate home with you or have you all move in together. You, of course, want to know how your metamour feels about that. To me, it would seem nigh on impossible, and untenable, to share a household among all three of you if you don't have some sort of relationship with her or at least know how she feels about it. Otherwise, it would feel like a weird roommate situation. There are several members who live together in similar arrangements, so they would have good real-life experiences to share with you about that (not me - I live alone and prefer to stay that way, LOL).

So, now that I have more information, I can see why it might be better to live separately from them -- but all three of you living together could work very well. Either way, all the things you wonder about need to be asked.

So, what is it that prevents you from asking to speak with her? In your intro you wrote: "How does he envision it working if I moved in, or if we had our separate home. How does he plan to share himself with both of us?" These are all questions you need to ask him.

I guess what I'm wondering is why the hesitation or trepidation about asking this man all the questions you pose in your posts here? Is there something I'm missing?
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"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-21-2011 at 12:39 AM.
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Old 09-21-2011, 12:39 AM
kp98cru kp98cru is offline
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yes you understand correctly now. sorry for the confusion.

I have interacted with her twice. So while there is no 'friendship' or 'relationship' with her, I know he is truthful that she knows... and i have nothing but respect for her.

maybe therein lies my trepidation. I want to be 100% confident that what we do is the best thing for all 3 of us, not just me. Am I too worried about her feelings/concerns and not mine?
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Old 09-21-2011, 03:41 PM
OpenandCountry OpenandCountry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kp98cru View Post
yes you understand correctly now. sorry for the confusion.

I have interacted with her twice. So while there is no 'friendship' or 'relationship' with her, I know he is truthful that she knows... and i have nothing but respect for her.

maybe therein lies my trepidation. I want to be 100% confident that what we do is the best thing for all 3 of us, not just me. Am I too worried about her feelings/concerns and not mine?
I'm sort of a newbie, but I really applaud your thoughts regarding his wife. Like nycindie said, you would have to have tome kind of relationship/understanding with her if you were to live in the same house as her. I think your concern is honorable and well-founded, personally.
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  #7  
Old 09-21-2011, 05:44 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I think you should ask him if he'd mind if you invited her out for coffee, just you and her! After all, if you're going to be such important people in each other's lives... "co-primary" or "sister wives", potentially... then shouldn't you two really know each other? You're not going too far by wanting to fully consider her needs, not at all. Ideally, the two of you can be friends and allies. And at the very least, at this stage of things where living arrangements are coming into play, you should be more than passing acquaintances.
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  #8  
Old 09-22-2011, 11:16 AM
kp98cru kp98cru is offline
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Annabel, I would love to do that, but right now they are in Colorado and I am in Florida. I am going to see him next weekend, and am really trying to get my thoughts in line about this before then. It was a bit overwhelming, when he first started talking about it, because part of me thought he was joking, but then he said he was serious and he was willing to do and go whatever route I am most comfortable with ... So while it definitely isn't happening anytime soon, I do see it happening within the next year or so, and really want to know where we're headed when that time comes.
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  #9  
Old 09-22-2011, 01:04 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Hi KP, welcome to the forum.

There are so many factors to consider when you have a desire to make a long distance relationship become more. Even if you and M were both single, it would be complicated enough. If you are seriously considering moving to CO to be closer to M, I'd ask, what about job opportunities for you there? What about leaving your friends/family in Florida? How would that feel?

If you've only met his wife twice, you and she need to build a solid relationship. There might be jealousy issues on both sides. Does she have another lover/lovers as well, or is she monogamous? Do they have children? Do you? How would you combine families?

So, when you say you and M have been romantic for several years, do you mean you two have sex, and the wife is fine with that?

When you say you are going to see him again soon, will it be in CO, or Fla? Why not meet him on his home turf and spend the day hanging out with both members of the married couple?

Of course, if and when you do decide to move to CO, you should NOT consider just moving in with them. Get your own place, get to know the wife. Get to know M in his own environment. This "sister wife" thing could take a lot of work to negotiate.
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  #10  
Old 09-23-2011, 01:00 AM
kp98cru kp98cru is offline
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Magdlyn,

We will be seeing each other in Florida.

His plan right now is to retire soon and then us move closer to one another. I have moments where I really do want to get to know her, and moments where I really don't want to have anything to do with her. Will that change as I get to know her better? Probably. I've not now, nor have I ever had a large amount of jealousy toward her - she's been in his life and been his wife slightly longer than I've known him. This is going to be VERY slow going, which is fine with me, as I really do want all of us to know this is what's best for us...

Why my nervousness about approaching him about it? Possibly because this is the first time we've really broached the subject in a serious manner. He used to joke all the time "if I could have two wives, you'd be one of them". He's a commitment kind of guy, so I know once we make this decision it's forever....
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