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  #1  
Old 10-01-2011, 12:05 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Default Here We Go Again

Sometimes I just don't think I'm cut out for any relationship... at all.

So this was the big weekend with my BF and GF, and it hasn't gone badly... for them, but I am in emotional hell, and I think it's all self inflicted. I thought this would be the weekend that my GF and I tell our BF how we feel about each other and then how we feel about him and we will live polyamourously happily ever after. Not happening for me.

Don't get me wrong. I was happy to see her...I was happy to see him, but all three together is literally killing me. Our BF kinda let me call the shots with scheduling, and after talking to all, we decided that last night was our together night. From the time she walked through the door, I started picking MYSELF apart.

She's more open, she's smarter, she's WAY prettier, she has this amazing body and doesn't work on it whereas I kill myself in the gym 5 days a week and still have cellutite, she speaks multiple languages fluently, she has this amazing fashion gene where she knows what looks great on her without any real thought whereas it takes me 2 hours to find a decent pair of socks to wear... the list goes on and on. As we walked through the restaurant I felt like all the men were looking at her and wondering why I was even in the picture (I caught myself actually walking behind them because I felt too ugly to be with them.) Seriously, by the time we finished dinner, I literally wanted to throw myself off a ledge.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?! I really try to be a confident woman, but I just felt fat, dumb and ugly the longer we were together. Then I had to endure another couple of hours of us all lying in bed together watching a movie before she finally left. It was PAINFUL.

The thing is, I care about her and I care about him so I feel AWFUL that I'm even feeling this way. Neither of them did anything to actually make me go off the deep end (well listening to them fuck in the next room while I was getting ready to go to dinner didn't help). It was ALL ME.

...and today I have to endure ROUND TWO. As I type this I wonder if I should tell him about my insecurities, but I HATE admiting that this amazing woman (who I care about) makes me feel like this little inadequate person when I'm with them together. Again, I am afraid that he's going to think that I'm bringing too much drama to the table.

Maybe I just don't have what it takes to do this. I care about them both and love spending time with them individually, but I still can't wrap myself around this whole triad thing, which is his ultimate goal.

I don't want to BE selfish, but I think I am a little selfish. I can take having dinner with them, but my threshold ends there. I want everyone to be happy, but I'm miserable. Last night after my BF went to sleep I went in the bathroom and cried for over an hour.

So where does that leave me? I can't have a functional monogamous relationship (face it, men cheat), so I am open enough to allow a guy to have sex with other women if that floats his boat, I can even endure a dinner with the other woman (if I have to), but the sex in the other room in my presence... no thanks. Be reminded that this is totally contradictory to a little threesome action we had a couple of months ago. It was fun, but I don't think I want that to be a regular occurrence.

Have I set the wrong expectations? Am I just being a wet blanket again? Or am I doomed to just live with dysfunctionality in relationships mono/poly/with the dog.... (stupid joke) AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!!!!!
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  #2  
Old 10-01-2011, 12:32 PM
jeffnmeg jeffnmeg is offline
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I think that the best thing would be to talk openly about how your feeling and you have to draw the line somewhere. if your ok with him sleeping with the other woman but not in the next room, tell him! I have noticed that alot of men dont clue into things unless you lay it out for them. tell him that your a little insecure when the 3 of you are together but you cant take hearing them have sex in the next room.
lots of love <3
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  #3  
Old 10-01-2011, 12:35 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
I can't have a functional monogamous relationship (face it, men cheat) . . .
Not all men cheat. I think your lousy self-esteem has steered you toward picking the wrong guys.

Fuck pleasing anyone else. Work on YOU. Be the best you YOU you can be, for no one else but you, and find your happiness and sense of satisfaction from within.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #4  
Old 10-01-2011, 01:08 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
Sometimes I just don't think I'm cut out for any relationship... at all.
Reading your post, I kind of agree. We can't love another well unless we love ourselves. All is not lost, however. You can improve your self esteem, but it will take work, and probably lots of therapy and reading of pertinent books.

Quote:
So this was the big weekend with my BF and GF, and it hasn't gone badly... for them, but I am in emotional hell, and I think it's all self inflicted.
Yes. It is.

Quote:
... From the time she walked through the door, I started picking MYSELF apart.

She's more open, she's smarter, she's WAY prettier, she has this amazing body and doesn't work on it whereas I kill myself in the gym 5 days a week and still have cellutite, she speaks multiple languages fluently, she has this amazing fashion gene where she knows what looks great on her without any real thought whereas it takes me 2 hours to find a decent pair of socks to wear... the list goes on and on. As we walked through the restaurant I felt like all the men were looking at her and wondering why I was even in the picture (I caught myself actually walking behind them because I felt too ugly to be with them.) Seriously, by the time we finished dinner, I literally wanted to throw myself off a ledge.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?! I really try to be a confident woman, but I just felt fat, dumb and ugly the longer we were together.
Yikes! You should read cuddlecakes' threads. He also compares himself negatively to his gf's other lover(s). We all have our gifts and drawbacks. Other people do too. She's not perfect, and physical beauty is only skin deep.

I want to order you to make a list of GOOD things about you. Your physical beauty, your intellectual, emotional, artistic and spiritual gifts.

Ask both of your partners to tell you what it is they like/love/are attracted to about you. Write them down and put the list on your refrigerator. As you think of them, add more of your good qualities that they didn't mention. Read this list every time you pass or open the fridge. I'm serious. Replacing negative self talk with positive self talk is crucial.


Quote:
It was ALL ME.
Yes. Good that you are starting to take responsibility for your own ungrounded fears and self flagellation.

Quote:
...I wonder if I should tell him about my insecurities, but I HATE admiting that this amazing woman (who I care about) makes me feel like this little inadequate person when I'm with them together.
She doesn't "make you feel" anything. Those feelings come from within you.

Quote:
Again, I am afraid that he's going to think that I'm bringing too much drama to the table.
Self-deprecatingly calling your fears and insecurities "drama" will keep you feeling inadequate. Your feelings are important. You need to work on them. Your bf and gf need to know you are having them, but YOU need to work on them, find their root, and banish them.

Quote:
So where does that leave me? ...Am I just being a wet blanket again? Or am I doomed to just live with dysfunctionality in relationships mono/poly/with the dog.... (stupid joke) AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!!!!!
You're not doomed! You can change. You can learn to love and value yourself. We call it "being one's own primary." This is a critical quality one needs to manage polyamory (and any other type of love-style or friendship).
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 10-01-2011 at 01:11 PM.
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  #5  
Old 10-01-2011, 02:11 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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It sounds like you've correctly identified that just because you are hurting, that doesn't necessarily mean that anyone else has done anything wrong. That's huge, actually, congrats! Some people actually can't get that.

If you want to not feel this way, you've gotta work on your self esteem. Have you ever been to therapy? Would you consider it? Maybe find some simple techniques and give them a try, see if you can make progress. You seem like you have the capacity for insight, so I'd absolutely bet that you can.

That said, it's ok to ask for what you need. It's drama if you break down unexpectedly and start making demands or saying you're gonna break up. It's not drama if you calmly say "Hey, I care about you both tons, but I'm still having some trouble with certain things. I know it doesn't make sense, and I promise I'm working on it, but for the time being I find I have a really hard time hearing you guys have sex. Could we talk about ways to help me handle it? Here are some ideas I had, let me know what you think might work for all of us..."
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  #6  
Old 10-01-2011, 02:13 PM
Jade Jade is offline
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Holy crap! Don't ever think of yourself as a lost cause. Think about those you love. How would you feel if they looked at you and said, "You couldn't really love me."

Check this out.

http://www.morethantwo.com/relationshipassumptions.html

Any of it sound familiar?
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  #7  
Old 10-01-2011, 11:50 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
So where does that leave me? I can't have a functional monogamous relationship (face it, men cheat),
Dude. Not all men cheat. I'm sorry you've been cheated on in the past, but it appears that you only date assholes. If you actually want to have a monogamous relationship, you can ask for monogamy and expect to get it from many men. I had a monogamous marriage for 8 years before we opened it up, and the opening was at my request. The 8 years of "no cheating" was not difficult for my husband and he was perfectly prepared to do it for life.

And sure, maybe in your monogamous relationship, a genuine mono guy might slip up once or twice in 5 decades, and you can be reasonably accommodating when/if that happens. But that's not the same as having a poly relationship just because you think there's no point in demanding exclusivity, because you're too fat/ugly not to be cheated on. You're not. No one is that fat or ugly.

Quote:
so I am open enough to allow a guy to have sex with other women if that floats his boat, I can even endure a dinner with the other woman (if I have to), but the sex in the other room in my presence... no thanks.
Wait, did they do that? Because I thought you said that the three of you watched a movie.
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  #8  
Old 10-02-2011, 11:42 AM
Casey Casey is offline
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Not all men cheat
And hell, not all women are that great at not cheating

But, this is besides the point. I will lay down two potential options

1. COMMUNICATE - lay down some ground rules. Shannon is not entirely cool with me sleeping with someone else in our bed, especially if Shannon is either home or will be soon! Whereas I couldn't give a toss either way. Getting it on whilst I'm in the study? Well, either let me join in or make sure you've left me the good headphones if I'm trying to study.

2. DITCH AND WORK ON YOURSELF - Go work on your self-esteem. Having a good self-esteem often reaps wonders in our relationships. It sounds corny but try the following before you go to sleep each night "Ten good things that happened today" and "Ten things I like about myself".
If you cannot do ten, don't worry. Start with one and work your way up.
And whenever you start getting these little doubts throughout the day, start repeating them to yourself.

Goodluck
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  #9  
Old 10-03-2011, 08:17 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I am not sure why you don't think you're allowed to have boundaries. It might seem weird to you that you're ok with threesomes but feel awkward to hear them having sex when you're not participating, but it isn't abnormal. I have seen other people post about similar feelings. If you are constantly feeling you aren't allowed to tell your bf what bothers you because he will think you're.... well all the negative things you seem to be telling yourself that you are... then I still think it's an unhealthy relationship to be in.

I haven't heard my partners have sex with other people, but if it happens and I don't like it, I have no problem telling them how I feel, and doing any of the following -
1. try to deal with it and see if I can work through my feelings and get to a point where it didn't bother me, or amused me.
2. make sure I am not in a situation where I will be around when it happens
3. asking them to arrange to be doing it elsewhere.
4. asking them to refrain while I am home
5. ask them to use a gag and keep quiet.
6. ask them to check with me about if I am up to hearing before they start having sex, giving me the option to say yes, to say no, to put on headphones, whatever.
7. (I haven't had a threesome, but I can imagine it is OK to ask that all sexual activity is among the three of you since your time together is so finite)

None of these are bad options IMO, and there are plenty of choices available to you, but being able to talk to your partner about it, reaching compromises, working TOGETHER to try to make everybody comfortable is a good thing don't you think?

Are you able to tell your girlfriend how you feel, or about things that bother you, or do you worry she'll judge you as needy and insecure too so you keep your mouth shut there too?

Whether you feel more comfortable being honest with her than him, or you find it hard to be honest with both of them...either of those should give you some food for thought.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 10-03-2011 at 09:09 PM.
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  #10  
Old 10-03-2011, 09:22 PM
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River River is offline
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It's possible to grow in self-esteem (and self-compassion) while IN relationship/s. (I'm saying this because it seemed necessary in relation to earlier posts.) But doing so requires you to be the right sort of partner to yourself and your partner/s and for the partner/s to be the right sort of partner for you. That means that you're each helping one another as allies in this endeavor while you also assume the proper proportion of responsibility toward your own healing and growth.

How do I know? I'm walking that path. I'm one lucky guy.
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