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  #1  
Old 09-14-2011, 12:07 AM
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RaspberrySurprise RaspberrySurprise is offline
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Default Would like advice from other married women

Hello

My husband and I are thinking about including another person in our relationship. I want my husband to be happy which is why I am seriously considering this. I don't really have any set ideas of what a poly relationship could be like which is why I am asking questions.

I kind of want to know why other women in the same circumstances as myself became polyamoros. Did they feel jealous at anything in particular and by how much. I would like to know if anyone regrets their decision to become poly.

I would like to know what really worked for other married women in a poly relationship. I would also like to know what big differences they have noticed between the monogamous marriage they had in the past and the poly relationships they have now.

I realise there are FAQ's with information about this, but I would prefer to hear from people and their own experiences, rather than read from a textbook.

I would be grateful for any responses. Please feel free to PM me if you would prefer not to share your response with the rest of the world.

RS
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  #2  
Old 09-14-2011, 12:45 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RaspberrySurprise View Post
My husband and I are thinking about including another person in our relationship. I want my husband to be happy which is why I am seriously considering this. I don't really have any set ideas of what a poly relationship could be like which is why I am asking questions.
Hi! Some questions...

Can you explain what you mean by " including another person in our relationship?" I know you say you don't have any set ideas about it, but the way you worded it is a bit vague. So, do you know what it is you are considering? Are you saying that you are willing for him to pursue another relationship? Or are you saying you want a third person to join you as a couple and have a relationship with both of you? Do both of you share the same vision of what you want? Also, you say you want your hubs to be happy. Is he unhappy now? If so, are you looking at polyamory as a way to fix problems?

Just need some clarity. Thanks.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-14-2011 at 12:47 AM.
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  #3  
Old 09-14-2011, 02:21 AM
Jade Jade is offline
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Hmmmm... Scratch everything I posted.

"We have been together for more than 15 years. The sexual side of our relationship has never been very good because he is more interested in sex than me. I would much rather have a cup of tea and browse facebook, or catch up on my sleep than have a marathon sex session."

It sounds like you're content with the sexual relationship, and he's not. Fair enough. Lots of relationships have this challenge.

"It came to light about 10 years ago that he is interested in S&M, this compounded the problem for us as he has a definite need for something that I cannot give him. I am not really that interested in being a submissive."

"Gotcha.

"Basically he has needs that I can't fulfil and it doesn't seem fair for him to have to live his life without that kind of happiness."

We all deal with stuff that's inequitable. I applaud, however, your consideration of allowing him to experience that happiness outside of you.

"The question of another person came up."

How?

"He would like me to help choose this person and know them as a friend. I know I have a high propensity for jealousy and have a huge problem with the idea of him with someone else. But what choice to I have realistically?"

This is the loaded part. Is he looking for a love relationship (poly) or a no strings attached sexual relationship (fuckbuddy) or a friend with benefits (something inbetween)? How do you feel about those three options? What is your jealousy triggered by? If the mere thought of him having sex with someone else is the problem, I wouldn't recommend you pursue any of the above. I wonder why he wants you to be friends with the person. That could be important if he's looking for a poly relationship or "fwb," but not so much if he just wants an occasional sex toy.

You seem to be okay with the idea of him having a strictly sexual outlet. Am I misreading that?

Last edited by Jade; 09-14-2011 at 02:13 PM. Reason: better understanding of original poster's intent
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  #4  
Old 09-14-2011, 07:33 AM
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RaspberrySurprise RaspberrySurprise is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hi! Some questions...

Can you explain what you mean by " including another person in our relationship?" I know you say you don't have any set ideas about it, but the way you worded it is a bit vague. So, do you know what it is you are considering? Are you saying that you are willing for him to pursue another relationship? Or are you saying you want a third person to join you as a couple and have a relationship with both of you? Do both of you share the same vision of what you want? Also, you say you want your hubs to be happy. Is he unhappy now? If so, are you looking at polyamory as a way to fix problems?

Just need some clarity. Thanks.
Hi nycindie,

It's all very complicated (isn't it always).

We have been together for more than 15 years. The sexual side of our relationship has never been very good because he is more interested in sex than me. I would much rather have a cup of tea and browse facebook, or catch up on my sleep than have a marathon sex session.

It came to light about 10 years ago that he is interested in S&M, this compounded the problem for us as he has a definite need for something that I cannot give him. I am not really that interested in being a submissive.

Basically he has needs that I can't fulfil and it doesn't seem fair for him to have to live his life without that kind of happiness.

The question of another person came up.

He would like me to help choose this person and know them as a friend. I know I have a high propensity for jealousy and have a huge problem with the idea of him with someone else. But what choice to I have realistically?

Sorry for the word jumble, hope you can make sense of it.

RS
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  #5  
Old 09-14-2011, 08:50 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RaspberrySurprise View Post
I would much rather have a cup of tea and browse facebook, or catch up on my sleep than have a marathon sex session.
Have you looked into whether there are medical/hormonal causes for your low libido?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RaspberrySurprise View Post
It came to light about 10 years ago that he is interested in S&M . . . I am not really that interested in being a submissive.
Dominance & submission are not the same thing as S&M. You can take part in S&M without being submissive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RaspberrySurprise View Post
. . . I have a high propensity for jealousy and have a huge problem with the idea of him with someone else. But what choice to I have realistically?
You have lots of choices! I don't think poly is be the best thing to jump into when you feel like your back is up against the wall. It will work so much better if it's embraced because you want it.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
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  #6  
Old 09-14-2011, 02:36 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Just to add on what is already stated.

- If you think your low libido is not natural, then check into a medical reason. If you think its just naturally lower then his, then don`t think that there is something wrong with you,..there isn`t. It`s ok to just be yourself.

- 'What choice do you have realistically'...actually, I think you are being very logical here. There is truth in the fact, that at some point, we all have to decide what is in our best interest, and choose to compromise, or stick to our guns, and let the cards fall where they may.

One thing I have learned, is that there are MANY reasons people get involved with poly. Not all of them are fairy-tale couplehoods, skipping through the tulips in unison. It was hard for me to accept, that sometimes other marriages just LACK something between the two involved, or someone feels they are missing something. It doesn`t mean the marriage is 'troubled,' it just means they need to go out and get 'the groceries' of life, to keep their cupboard full.

As nycindie suggested, don`t do this if you feel your back is up against the wall. Even if you are being 'realistic', it doesn`t mean you have to jump in.

- You can find your comfort zones and try small steps.

- Educate yourself. --> Educate yourself about poly, about marriage-history, about love, about jealousy, about anger. Educate yourself from many viewpoints not just pro-poly ones. No use brainwashing yourself. Use education as a means to figure out where you truly stand on any subjects that may come up.

- Keep communication open and honest. This means him being honest ( which he appears to be) and you not bottling up any 'negative' feelings. Just share them appropriately.

Good luck.
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Old 09-14-2011, 02:56 PM
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RaspberrySurprise RaspberrySurprise is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Have you looked into whether there are medical/hormonal causes for your low libido?
It is entirely possible that hormonal and medical conditions affect my libido. I have Polycystic Ovaries and depression. I take medication for the depression which could also suppress libido.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Dominance & submission are not the same thing as S&M. You can take part in S&M without being submissive.
With the S&M I believe he wants a submissive and he wants to be Dominant. He also wants to inflict pain.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You have lots of choices! I don't think poly is be the best thing to jump into when you feel like your back is up against the wall. It will work so much better if it's embraced because you want it.
If it's not the best thing to do then I am not sure what is. If I cannot make him happy then it's either leave or let him find it with someone else. We have tried relationship therapy, I have tried s&m. What else can I do?
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Old 09-14-2011, 03:10 PM
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RaspberrySurprise RaspberrySurprise is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jade View Post

"The question of another person came up."

How?

"He would like me to help choose this person and know them as a friend. I know I have a high propensity for jealousy and have a huge problem with the idea of him with someone else. But what choice to I have realistically?"

This is the loaded part. Is he looking for a love relationship (poly) or a no strings attached sexual relationship (fuckbuddy) or a friend with benefits (something inbetween)? How do you feel about those three options? What is your jealousy triggered by? If the mere thought of him having sex with someone else is the problem, I wouldn't recommend you pursue any of the above. I wonder why he wants you to be friends with the person. That could be important if he's looking for a poly relationship or "fwb," but not so much if he just wants an occasional sex toy.

You seem to be okay with the idea of him having a strictly sexual outlet. Am I misreading that?
Hi Jade

We had tried relationship therapy, talking and s&m. It was his suggestion but it is a logical choice if you take the negative emotion out of it for me that is!

He doesn't want a no strings attached relationship, he wants an open and honest "love" one. It is the thought of not being special that makes me feel jealous. Having to share him. Knowing that I wasn't enough. Of course the thought of him just physically having sex with someone makes my blood boil too. Which is weird seeing as I don't have a high sex-drive myself.

I would rather that if it has to happen that he just goes off and has affairs and didn't talk about them, but I know that I wouldn't in reality be 100% okay with that either.
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  #9  
Old 09-14-2011, 03:17 PM
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RaspberrySurprise RaspberrySurprise is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
Just to add on what is already stated.

- If you think your low libido is not natural, then check into a medical reason. If you think its just naturally lower then his, then don`t think that there is something wrong with you,..there isn`t. It`s ok to just be yourself.


Hi SourGirl

Thank you for your input, I appreciate it.

He definitely does think there is something wrong with me for barely having a sex-drive. He makes that pretty plain.

As I explained above it could be hormonal or medical. Depression has been with me for sometime. I also take fluoxetine for it. plus I have PCOS which messes with my hormones. I wont go into the other medical issues on here but there are quite a few. I rarely am without a headache and am tired all the time.


Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
- 'What choice do you have realistically'...actually, I think you are being very logical here. There is truth in the fact, that at some point, we all have to decide what is in our best interest, and choose to compromise, or stick to our guns, and let the cards fall where they may.

One thing I have learned, is that there are MANY reasons people get involved with poly. Not all of them are fairy-tale couplehoods, skipping through the tulips in unison. It was hard for me to accept, that sometimes other marriages just LACK something between the two involved, or someone feels they are missing something. It doesn`t mean the marriage is 'troubled,' it just means they need to go out and get 'the groceries' of life, to keep their cupboard full.

As nycindie suggested, don`t do this if you feel your back is up against the wall. Even if you are being 'realistic', it doesn`t mean you have to jump in.

- You can find your comfort zones and try small steps.

- Educate yourself. --> Educate yourself about poly, about marriage-history, about love, about jealousy, about anger. Educate yourself from many viewpoints not just pro-poly ones. No use brainwashing yourself. Use education as a means to figure out where you truly stand on any subjects that may come up.

- Keep communication open and honest. This means him being honest ( which he appears to be) and you not bottling up any 'negative' feelings. Just share them appropriately.

Good luck.
You say that not all relationships are fairytale that get involved in Poly. Is it fair for us to bring someone else into our already very troubled marriage?

I would love the "daydream" notion that I could be her best friend and he could have someone to do s&m with. But how likely is that?
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  #10  
Old 09-14-2011, 03:46 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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No it is not fair to "bring someone else into" your troubled marriage.

You need to work on your existing relationship or get out of it before you involve other people. Otherwise you will go down as a statistic for why poly "doesn't work".
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