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  #81  
Old 12-02-2009, 07:55 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
In fact, it seems that people are even more defensive if things in our relationship are going well. I can only hypothesize, but it seems like they feel their relationship is at stake.
I have to say that I've experienced the exact opposite of this. The more secure I feel in a relationship, the less I feel the need to protect or defend it. When my relationship is secure, I'm going to know that my partner is going to make choices that honor that. What is there to defend in such a case? I would only get defensive if I feel like I have good reason to lose something. If my relationship is strong, I wouldn't have that feeling.
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  #82  
Old 12-02-2009, 07:57 PM
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Joreth Joreth is offline
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I have to ask ... is there a reason you seem to want us to agree that monogamous people are all inherently close-minded and insecure? Is there a reason you want for the poly people here in this thread to lump all monogamous people all over the world, in all cultures and all genders and all personal experiences into a single category of "easily threatened"?

Does it make it easier for you to justify your own insecurity if you think it's because your insecurity is "hard-wired" or does it make it easier to defend your monogamy if all poly people pick on all monogamous people for being "insecure"?
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  #83  
Old 12-02-2009, 07:58 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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It has nothing to do with whether one is monogamous or polyamorous. That's a false divide and you are contributing to the us vs. them atmosphere that makes general acceptance (of both sides) difficult.
I don't see it as a totally false divide. I certainly experience a level of divide even internally. I run in two social circles and see a level of divide as well. It is losely based on the identity of one being mono and the other being poly. They overlap but it is a struggle at times. But I'm out of time and have to "work" jeesh...

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  #84  
Old 12-02-2009, 08:03 PM
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Oh my goodness.

The "divide" is between people who want only one partner and people who want more than one partner. That's it.

The "insecurity" of each group has nothing to do with whether they're mono or poly since both groups are just as likely to feel insecure or not.
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  #85  
Old 12-02-2009, 08:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I have to say that I've experienced the exact opposite of this. The more secure I feel in a relationship, the less I feel the need to protect or defend it. When my relationship is secure, I'm going to know that my partner is going to make choices that honor that. What is there to defend in such a case? I would only get defensive if I feel like I have good reason to lose something. If my relationship is strong, I wouldn't have that feeling.
no - I don't get defensive, my friends do. That is what I think is strange. Your quote is exactly why I feel like there must be something going on with them in their relationship to make them so defensive.

And - of course my relationship could end - most do. But I am secure enough in myself to know that I will survive and that if it ends, it was meant to.
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  #86  
Old 12-02-2009, 08:05 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Ah yes, I get it now. I misread it. I was thinking that you were saying that people would get more defensive of their own relationships if they are going well, not more defensive against other people's relationships that are going well. Gotcha and totally agree. And same with the security in one's self.
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  #87  
Old 12-02-2009, 08:10 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
no - I don't get defensive, my friends do. That is what I think is strange.

I have experienced this phenomenon as well.
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  #88  
Old 12-02-2009, 08:18 PM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
It is losely based on the identity of one being mono and the other being poly. They overlap but it is a struggle at times.
I can see social circles forming around a poly identity because it's a typically marginalized identity and when that happens, people will tend to band together for support and talk about being poly because there is little space for people to be their full selves anywhere else in this culture, so it's natural that having that poly identity might be a gathering point.

But monogamy being more of a part of the dominant culture where it's considered the "default" way of being, it would be really hard to say that it's the monogamous identity that is the gathering point. I think it has more to be with being a member of the dominant culture that accepts monogamy as normal and polyamory as not normal. It's the dominant culture of a larger outlook of what is normal and acceptable that drives such things and not so much the monogamous identity that does that.
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  #89  
Old 12-02-2009, 08:32 PM
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One's insecurity may lead one to be monogamous, but one's monogamous "wiring" does not lead one to be insecure. That just does not follow logically, nor in practice

A leads to B =/= B leads to A
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  #90  
Old 12-02-2009, 09:20 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
Yeah - I get this alot, so does Ouroboros. Even just talking hypothetically about things. In fact, it seems that people are even more defensive if things in our relationship are going well. I can only hypothesize, but it seems like they feel their relationship is at stake.

We each have friends that we realize we shouldn't broach this topic with based on how defensive they get... Even some of our most sexually positive friends, and friends that have explored poly before and gotten burned.

It is my wish that we could all be more secure in ourselves so that we can communicate different viewpoints among friends and broaden our perspectives further. Ahhh - that could apply to everything in life, and the world would be a little peacefuller.
yeah-I have actually encountered many people who were threatened by ME being bi. Just because they weren't they assumed I would try to convert them. THEN I come out poly-and there they are again. FREAKING OUT that I will try to "make them poly".
Common problem and one of the reasons I agree with Mono-that some of these books are percieved as threatening to "the large majority of monogomous people" that I've encountered. ESPECIALLY Christians. It's just a common reality-even if it's not EVERYONE-it is a LOT of them.
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