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  #1  
Old 09-20-2011, 02:16 AM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Default Maybe I'm NOT so Poly

Ok.. I AM SO PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW!!!!!

...so I think I have done a relatively good job with dealing with this whole Poly lifestyle. I have even recovered from being put into some not-so-pleasing situations with the guy I am involved with. I have been aware the entire time that we have been seeing each other that he dates/fucks other women, and for the most part I have dealt with it relatively well (even after being thrown into a spontaneous threesome that I didn't consent to)

I had noticed that his actions towards me had started to waiver (he started getting a little inconsistent with his communication) and OF COURSE I new it was because he had a new toy (does he think I'm stupid?). I kept it cool and let him dig his own hole as men usually do.

I did address his inconsistency and he did respond by comminicating with me more, etc. I was OK with that... until I got a chat request from his new toy via email!!!!

Let me go back for a second. It's a good thing he discloses his "poly" lifestyle because I noticed the new girl's email address in some correspondence he sent to me, and as any curious woman would do, I did my research (Google and Facebook Friend Finder is your friend). HOW TACKY IS THAT?? DID HE NOT THINK I WOULDN'T NOTICE THE NAME??

So... I at least knew what she looked like, but that's all I needed to know. I didn't expect her to try to contact me.

I DON'T WANT TO GET TO KNOW HER!! I FEEL LIKE SHE VIOLATED MY PRIVACY BY EVEN ATTEMPTING TO CONTACT ME!!! I AM BEYOND FURIOUS!!!

In fact, I am so furious that I didn't even answer his phone call tonight because I knew I would GO there. I so want to scream at him and say tell your other bitch not to contact me!!!

Chill chick has been replaced by pissed chick, and I know it's just a matter of time before I bring it up. When I get pissed off I become the queen of sarcasm. Seriously, I just want to back out of the whole thing now or just find another guy to parade around in his face to see how HE likes it.

I am so venting right now, but I am SOOOOOO PISSED!!!!! This is my first time actually experiencing jealousy and it is NOT pretty. Please advise veterans. Did I get in over my head?

I am normally not a jealous person, but I feel like she stepped over the line...
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  #2  
Old 09-20-2011, 02:19 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Did you tell her not to call you or contact you anymore, and did she continue?

If yes, you have my permission to be pissed.

If no, do it next time and then come talk to us.

You're not doing anyone any favors being pissed about this. It's a situation where you have choices to make, and responsibility to take for how YOU handle it.
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  #3  
Old 09-20-2011, 02:35 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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So, it's not invasion of her privacy that you found her on FB though an cc'd e-mail; but it is that she sought you out, perhaps to make sure that you actually did know about her? Honestly, how is that fair? You need to be clear with your guy (and if you don't want to talk to his OSO's ask him to be clear with them) that while you're okay with him being poly; you'd prefer a DADT (don't ask, don't tell) policy.
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Old 09-20-2011, 02:38 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
I DON'T WANT TO GET TO KNOW HER!! I FEEL LIKE SHE VIOLATED MY PRIVACY BY EVEN ATTEMPTING TO CONTACT ME!!! I AM BEYOND FURIOUS!!!
.
How, exactly, did she violate your privacy? Did she read your diary? Did she post pix of you having a quiet, little dinner with your bf when you wanted to keep it secret? I'm failing to see how she violated anything.

Unless you had contacted previously and told her to not contact you...had you done that? If not, it's entirely unreasonable to expect her to read your mind. Indeed, it is quite common for folks to want to at least meet metamours, so her emailing you comes as a friendly--and entirely reasonable--overture.

And then why would you get pissed at him for her not reading your mind? What in hell did he have to do with it? And how is not answering his call going to communicate anything to anybody?
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #5  
Old 09-20-2011, 02:56 AM
Jade Jade is offline
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It sounds like she didn't really invade your privacy (just that she's as clever at putting two and two together as you are), and that the bottom line is you don't want her to be part of your life. Remember, the jealousy is about what she represents, not about who she is as a human being. Recognize your feelings as being just that.

Frankly, it sounds like you're just really, really angry: at him for being tactless in his enamorment, at yourself for getting sucked into it, and at the other person for having this impact on you. Be careful though, to not mentally convict this other person of some crime she has not committed and behave as if she has. There is a line between feeling jealousy and acting petty.

It's totally okay to take time to yourself if you can't talk to him. It's okay to not want to talk to her. It sucks that this is hurting you, and honestly, I feel for you. Some sleep will help you clear your head. Be strong. No one can look out for you better than you can.
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  #6  
Old 09-20-2011, 03:19 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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What if what she wanted to say was -- "Hey, I know you don't know me but we share the same man and I felt like I needed to tell you... [he has a disease][he says cruel things about you and I don't think it's cool at all][that if you ever want to talk I'm here][that I understand if you don't want to be friends, but if you wanna hang out sometime I think we might have a lot to talk about]."

I mean, why get so mad when you don't even know what she wanted?
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  #7  
Old 09-20-2011, 04:00 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
I think I have done a relatively good job with dealing with this whole Poly lifestyle.
You have been told many times by people here that your boyfriend treats you like shit and doesn't practice poly ethically. Your other threads have revealed that he disrespects you, and that you are using him for his money while he uses you and other women for sex. So, it is perplexing to see you continually come back here and state you've been "doing well in a poly relationship."


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
I had noticed that his actions towards me had started to waiver (he started getting a little inconsistent with his communication) and OF COURSE I new it was because he had a new toy (does he think I'm stupid?).
You refer to her as a toy. What if she is just as emotionally invested as you are? What if she thinks of you as a toy? You show no regard for her as a person, but have some weird idea of the kind of respect she's supposed to show you.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
I kept it cool and let him dig his own hole as men usually do.
In your last thread, you also said that there are "no good men out there" to justify taking advantage of his big, open wallet. Obviously, you have no respect for men, either.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
. . . I noticed the new girl's email address in some correspondence he sent to me, and as any curious woman would do, I did my research . . . DID HE NOT THINK I WOULDN'T NOTICE THE NAME??
Why should he try to hide anything if you're so cool with his "poly lifestyle?" Sounds like you were trying to pretend he wasn't seeing anyone else. If you'd been handling this relationship as well as you say you are, you shouldn't be surprised that he has other women in his life, and you shouldn't expect him to try and hide anything.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
I DON'T WANT TO GET TO KNOW HER!! I FEEL LIKE SHE VIOLATED MY PRIVACY BY EVEN ATTEMPTING TO CONTACT ME!!! I AM BEYOND FURIOUS!!!
Your anger is way out of proportion to the situation. Most people want to have contact with metamours. You really need to get a hold of yourself and open your eyes to what you've gotten into.

You come here and get lots of useful feedback about whatever issues you are dealing with, but hardly respond to any of it, and then you come back with an equally frustrating problem. Frustrating to us, because it's obvious that you dismiss everything anyone says to you. It's always difficult to see why you're making such a stink when you refuse to look at your part in what goes on in this relationship.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #8  
Old 09-20-2011, 04:10 AM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jade View Post
It sounds like she didn't really invade your privacy (just that she's as clever at putting two and two together as you are), and that the bottom line is you don't want her to be part of your life. Remember, the jealousy is about what she represents, not about who she is as a human being. Recognize your feelings as being just that.

Frankly, it sounds like you're just really, really angry: at him for being tactless in his enamorment, at yourself for getting sucked into it, and at the other person for having this impact on you. Be careful though, to not mentally convict this other person of some crime she has not committed and behave as if she has. There is a line between feeling jealousy and acting petty.

It's totally okay to take time to yourself if you can't talk to him. It's okay to not want to talk to her. It sucks that this is hurting you, and honestly, I feel for you. Some sleep will help you clear your head. Be strong. No one can look out for you better than you can.
You're absolutely right. Even a couple of hours has calmed me down tremendously. I am being quite petty. Yes, when I saw the new name pop up on the email I let my immature curiosity get the best of me and did a little detective work, but I still feel her reaching out to me was out of line. I'm glad I didn't talk to him tonight because I would have said something I didn't mean or would have regretted. I'll cool off and it may all just blow over. I just needed to let off some steam on the forum. Thanks for your input.
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  #9  
Old 09-20-2011, 04:29 AM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You have been told many times by people here that your boyfriend treats you like shit and doesn't practice poly ethically. Your other threads have revealed that he disrespects you, and that you are using him for his money while he uses you and other women for sex. So, it is perplexing to see you continually come back here and state you've been "doing well in a poly relationship."


You refer to her as a toy. What if she is just as emotionally invested as you are? What if she thinks of you as a toy? You show no regard for her as a person, but have some weird idea of the kind of respect she's supposed to show you.


In your last thread, you also said that there are "no good men out there" to justify taking advantage of his big, open wallet. Obviously, you have no respect for men, either.


Why should he try to hide anything if you're so cool with his "poly lifestyle?" Sounds like you were trying to pretend he wasn't seeing anyone else. If you'd been handling this relationship as well as you say you are, you shouldn't be surprised that he has other women in his life, and you shouldn't expect him to try and hide anything.


Your anger is way out of proportion to the situation. Most people want to have contact with metamours. You really need to get a hold of yourself and open your eyes to what you've gotten into.

You come here and get lots of useful feedback about whatever issues you are dealing with, but hardly respond to any of it, and then you come back with an equally frustrating problem. Frustrating to us, because it's obvious that you dismiss everything anyone says to you. It's always difficult to see why you're making such a stink when you refuse to look at your part in what goes on in this relationship.


Actiually I don't dismiss anything. I take advice not ridicule which is something you are notorious for. Everyone isn't as strong or as hardcore as you and though I've tried to dismiss your repeated harsh responses as sound advice (because there is often good advice in there), you fail to forget that I am new to this whole thing.

As I responded to another more TACTFUL reply. I was merely letting off steam rather than taking my anger out on the guy.

Let me explain DISRESPECT to you. My ex husband who took vows to forsake all others, fucked other women behind my back, had a child with another woman during our marriage and gave me an STD!!!!! Thankfully, it was something I could get rid of.

How has this guy respected me? He was HONEST from the beginning. He TOLD me that he sees other women but gives me consistency and space (unlike the clingy cheating ex). ANY time I have addressed any issues with him (I would come here to get advice on how to approach things), he has CHANGED!!
1) Spontaneous threesome - he apologized and admitted that he was wrong in that situation; wanting to fulfill a fantasy and being TOTALLY selfish by placing me in the situation. He said he would NEVER put me in that situation again and he has not!
2) The trip he wanted cancelled...BEFORE I could even bring up that I wasn't comfortable doing his dirty work, HE volunteered to tell the other woman and once again apologized for putting me in the situation...
3) When I expressed my concerns about the change in communication, he listened and made a GENUINE change.

What I HAVE learned from the good advice (and not the brow beating) I have received from this thread is that I need to work on my communication... something I wasn't good at in my mono days either. I was always afraid of being abandoned and that fear has caused me to keep my mouth shut WAY more often than not. This relationship is FORCING me to come out of that...

So NYCindie, I KNOW you may think that I am making some mistakes in this, but I pose the question to you... did you do everything perfectly 5 months into your first poly relationship or have you always been a cynical, mean person?

I am willing to try new things, and I know I am going to make mistakes along the way. Would you degrade a child for falling off the bike the first time they tried to ride one? My goodness! CHILAX!!!!

I'm sure you are very well versed in Polyamory, but your negativity has exceeded my threshold and I think you're being downright mean. If it's all the same to you, I would rather you keep your comments to yourself if they are not going to be tactful.

As they say in the south where I'm from. If you can't say SOMETHING nice, don't say anything AT ALL!!!!!
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  #10  
Old 09-20-2011, 04:33 AM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
What if what she wanted to say was -- "Hey, I know you don't know me but we share the same man and I felt like I needed to tell you... [he has a disease][he says cruel things about you and I don't think it's cool at all][that if you ever want to talk I'm here][that I understand if you don't want to be friends, but if you wanna hang out sometime I think we might have a lot to talk about]."

I mean, why get so mad when you don't even know what she wanted?
Because I was being petty. Sometimes it's hard for me to acknowledge that I'm sharing. I take comfort in out of sight, out of mind, and her contacting me made her REAL. You're absolutely right. I am WAY over-reacting on this one.
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