Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-21-2011, 07:47 PM
New2this New2this is offline
New Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 2
Unhappy Going back on agreements?... :(

My husband and I are pretty new to Poly. Weve been together almost 10 years and are both bisexual. In the past while we put the idea of polyamory on the table. We have had countless discussions about this before making the decision to go ahead with it. Quite quickly we both met people we are interested in. For me it is a woman Ive been friends with a little while that I am both sexually and emotionally very connected with. We feel very strongly about one another and this is still early on!
My husband met a man at the bar that is 5 years younger then him. They had a very strong attraction to one another and fooled around a bit but left it at that. He was extremely into this guy and getting to know him better. He was very excited by the idea of him, so I felt it was going in the right direction. Last night they had a date night planned and so he went over to this guys house. They made out a bit but my husbands response was different this time. This morning he told me he was not turned on by this man anymore and that he couldn't stop thinking of me when they were together. I know that he loves me and in some way fear he is having a hard time breaking out of his more traditional ways of thinking. At this point he is responding out of fear and wondering if he will ever find a man he truly wants to be with enough to have an outside relationship. He could just be jumping to this conclusion, because at first when he met this man he was VERY interested. Right now he is pretty much saying he wants to say "screw-it" to the entire poly relationship we have built, and that includes my relationship with my girlfriend... and he hopes to go back to life how it was before. I don't think we can go back to what we where before. I'm a very hurt and upset that he is wanting to control my relationship with my girlfriend. I feel like he needs to do some evaluating of how he feels and discuss it with me, but it unfair to force me to stop seeing my girlfriend. Im going to end up being angry and resentful if our relationship goes that way. Up until yesterday he said he didnt feel jealousy and when he did he was coping with it well and owning his feelings. Now he said if I try to continue this relationship with GF while he is mono with me, he will feel jealousy and maybe anger towards me. Has anyone had experience with a partner backing out on a poly arrangement? and where do we go from here?
Reply With Quote
Old 09-21-2011, 08:14 PM
lucky7's Avatar
lucky7 lucky7 is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Nor Cal
Posts: 55

If you value your marriage, maybe put things on hold with people outside of your primary relationship until you get that boat back on smooth water. Once the comfort level is there again, then resume activities slowly.

I'm no expert, I'm only in a triad, so any dynamic past that, I don't have much of a clue.

best wishes to the both of you.
37, M, married, 15 years, in a happy triad for the same amount of time. It's not always easy, but it sure is fun.
Reply With Quote
Old 09-21-2011, 09:06 PM
BrigidsDaughter's Avatar
BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 822

Putting relationships on hold is not as easy as it sounds, but it sounds to me like her husband is finally getting the chance to explore his bisexual nature and is intimidated by the freedom to do so freely; maybe he isn't as ready to be openly bisexual as you OR maybe there was something about the experience that scared him. It could be that he is afraid he will like it too much and not need you anymore. Either way, it sounds like your guy needs to do some soul searching. That doesn't give him the right to end your relationship or renegg on your agreement. You could scale back the amount of time you spend with her or negotiate some boundaries for scaling back and time frames for moving forward (so he has x number of days, weeks, months to make progress on his issues). Good luck!
Reply With Quote
Old 09-21-2011, 09:07 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

I think its completely unfair for him to ask you end your commitments to others simply because he is in crisis over your new relationship identity as poly, however, its important I think, to do some work together and spend some quality time with him. After all, he is in crisis. I see no reason why you can't say to him, "honey, I'm sorry you are having a hard time figuring stuff out for your self, let's spend the night talking it out and figuring out how you can go about getting your needs met and figuring out what is going on." Then I would let him know kindly and firmly that you will not be changing what you are doing to suit him but you will make yourself available to talk to.

There is no reason why he has to look for and be active in relationships out side of your partnership; nor is there reason to stick with men, to get about finding a partner right now or act poly ever again. Its all what you make it. Maybe this guy wasn't what he thought he was, maybe his hormones and beer got the better of him that night and now he feels differently, maybe it was enough to know he is a poly theorist and not poly in action. Who knows. Bottom line there is nothing to be concerned about, just to wonder about and to adjust accordingly.
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2011, 04:04 AM
New2this New2this is offline
New Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 2

Thank you for the responses.
I did manage to have quite a long drawn out conversation with him and we are on a bit more solid ground right now. I did make a point to tell him that its unfair for him to now decide to change our agreements because he is scared or uncomfortable. He is still interested in pursuing this lifestyle change and for me this is a positive step. He isnt sure about this particular person anymore, and its so hard for me to not involve myself. In one of our discussions about it we really aimed to just make friends without expectations and see where life leads us. This isnt a race and we are aiming for true companionship, not just flings. So in some way I feel he is intimidated that I am really quite interested in my friend and we have fully discussed the dynamics of our relationship, while he isnt quite at this point yet. I think him and this guy met and had a bit of a whirlwind and assumed it would turn into something more. But now are dealing with the fact that they have to discuss our poly lifestyle in more depth, probably something he should have done beforehand.
I know we have been feeling SO good about this choice to do this, and this is our first real stumble. I refused to let him run away scared though. He knows he is under no pressure to participate in the lifestyle if he chooses not to (which he insists he still does ) and that I wont allow this to affect the relationship that Ive been working on growing with GF. We are doing amazingly well at communicating, so I think we will just be focusing a bit more time on that and helping him get more tools to deal with these types of situations instead of panicking. Thanks again
Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2011, 04:54 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by New2this View Post
This isnt a race . . .
That is so true! I think this is an important thing for two partners to remember, when it comes to having other partners.

This past spring, I started a long-distance online thing with a married guy who was new to poly. His wife had a very solid relationship with her boyfriend and he felt pressured to "catch up" with her. His wanting to have a relationship primarily because she had one, rather than because he'd met someone he wanted to be in a relationship with, was not a good scenario for me to be in - though I didn't realize that's what was going on underneath it all until we were in it. Since we started as an online/LDR and waited about two months before actually meeting in person, he had lots of fantasies about how things would go (we both did, I suppose). But when we got together to meet for the first time and spend a weekend together, it hit him. I was a real woman who wanted a real relationship, and that realization scared him. I think all the expectations he placed on himself to have a girlfriend when he wasn't really ready for that, just because his wife had a boyfriend, is mostly what did us in. Eventually I had to let go of our relationship because he wasn't really invested in it.

I am not projecting my situation onto yours, but I think for some couples, it's better to allow for some adjustment after one of them finds an additional partner, and to let the changes in their dynamic sink in before barreling into poly with both guns blazing, so to speak. Ease into it, see what comes up, deal with emotions, work out time management issues, and so on, and when everything feels right for the other partner to seek an additional relationship, let it happen.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 09-22-2011 at 04:56 AM.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 09:29 PM.