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Old 09-19-2011, 02:34 AM
tipsy tipsy is offline
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Default Lost, nauseous, jealous

I am just at a total loss. Here is my situation. I am in the middle of a divorce, and I met an amazing, beautiful, kinky, smart, wonderful woman. She told me that she was polyamorous when we met and I was accepting of that, as we were both looking for more of a "friends with benefits" type arrangement. Shortly after we met she met another man. At first, I was okay with this, a little out of my comfort zone, but okay. A few months later, we have both fallen completely in love with one another. She even told me that she doesn't want or need anyone other than me (for the first time in her life). That being said, she continues to see this other man. Every minute I'm away from her I physically ache (she says she feels the same). Every minute that she is with this other man, I feel a combination of pain and nausea -- I feel like I'm dying on the inside.

When she first mentioned polyamory to me I investigated the matter and was very interested in exploring the concept. While I'm still on board in principal, I am struggling with the practice. To compound the problem, she has told me that she is feeling quite a bit of jealousy at the mere thought of me being with another woman. On top of that, she says that she cares for this other man (which I can appreciate, as I've met him, and he seems like a good guy), and that she just can't bring herself to break things off with him.

I have read so many articles on jealousy -- from both the polyamory perspective and the monogamous perspective -- and nothing quite seems to fit what I am going through. I understand that I have my own insecurities, issues, and hang ups, but I don't know if this is all based on my emotional shortcomings.

Is there anyone else who has gone through this type of situation that could provide a little insight beyond what xeromag.com and the like can offer?
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Old 09-19-2011, 04:29 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

If what she wants is a monogamous life with you, which it sounds like may be the case, then she's going to have to bite the bullet and leave this other guy. I hate to say that as it's not really "fair" to him but it sounds like it might be more true to where the two of you are at. Leaving someone is never easy or fun, but she may just need to be strong.

On the other hand, if her feelings for this guy are strong enough to outweigh both her discomfort and yours at this situation, maybe you should go beyond meeting him and try to befriend him. If the three of you can do things together socially sometimes, you won't have to miss her as often, and maybe your jealousy would be less towards someone you have positive feelings for in your own right.

As for the issue of her not wanting you to be with other women, well, it doesn't sound like you want that either, so no biggie. Now if she tried to make it a rule that you couldn't be with other women, while she had another man, that wouldn't be so cool...
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 09-19-2011 at 05:35 AM.
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Old 09-19-2011, 12:02 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hi Tipsy and welcome to the Forum.

What stands out for me in your post is something that I can relate to, and that is the fact that you have become emotionally entwined in this relationship while in the process of divorcing.

As someone still dealing with my divorce, I know it isn't easy. I don't know how recently you split, but I acknowledge you for being brave and willing to risk your heart with someone new. However, you should know that when you're still processing the emotional impact of a marriage ending and what it means to start over, it is difficult to see things clearly. I have read that professionals (therapists, counselors) generally find that the first two years after a divorce are the most difficult, and sometimes even longer than that. It is usually an emotionally tumultuous adjustment period, and known as "crazy time." Any new relationship tends to be euphoric, overwhelming, and filled with drama.

If I were you, I would slow down and do what you can to keep your feet on the ground. Dating soon after divorce, or while we're still in the process of one, is absolutely fine and can be a very pleasurable escape. Certainly, it can be very healing to receive all the attention and affection, but zeroing in too soon on one person who receives all our focus can blind us to problems, warning signs, unresolved issues, or difficult emotions that need dealing with. For you, it could be that being preoccupied with feelings of jealousy is a good diversion from the feelings of grief and loss over a marriage ending. Often, a newly divorced person is tempted to fill in that feeling that something's missing, avoid more painful feelings, or unconsciously find a replacement for our ex. Sometimes it's just easier to feel the unfamiliar pain or confusion of a new relationship than it is to feel the depth our feelings when we lose a spouse to divorce, someone we invested so much of ourselves to be with for an extended amount of time.

So, unless I'm way off-base and you have totally come to terms with your divorce and finished grieving the marriage, I would recommend doing your best to resist getting all serious and heavy about this relationship. Feel the love but try to keep things light and give yourself space. Keep yourself occupied with activities and fill your life with other people, friendships, socializing, etc. Try not to make this wonderful woman the center of your universe. From what you've written (being nauseous and in pain), you just might not be ready.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 09-19-2011 at 10:15 PM.
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