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Old 09-17-2011, 08:38 PM
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Kealoha Kealoha is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 47

Wow, thank you so much for sharing with us! You shouldn't feel guilty about your feelings. You've never felt this way before. It's understanding to be overwhelmed. Mono or poly...just because you've been one, doesn't mean it's wrong to be the other. It sounds like Will loves you and is the rock you need, so just enjoy being with him, and don't worry about the rest. Try not to over think it neh?
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Old 09-18-2011, 03:51 AM
schtuff schtuff is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 20

i could totally be off base with this one, so i am going to qualify it first and not wait for an answer.... lol

your attraction to will, did it come on fast, without warning, almost un-explainable..... (again this is about the first attraction) or was it one of those things that built up over time?

if it was an attraction that came on slowly and grew over time then completely ignore the inaccurate, ridiculous, rambling that is about to follow, and skip to the last paragraph.

the reason i ask is this... you speak about the passion and fire within a deeply loving relationship. if the initial attraction was fast, and hard, a great chemistry, and i mean real chemistry, not something that gets cooked up over a period of time, but an almost instant and powerful reaction caused when you are in proximity to a person who has the very toe curling chemical signature that your body craves. if this is you, then hormones have got a hold of you.

can that affect your thoughts and feelings???? heck yes! personal history and observation alert!!! you have been warned proceed with caution. and i am going to use gemzi as an example too.

so... i have this chemical attraction to my wife, gemzi, i confess i used to smell her sweaters because they smelled like her. even after 18 years i have strong physical desire for her. most of the time i cant even look at her without wanting to hold, kiss, cuddle, and well other things that follow quickly. me.... i have some jealousy issues i deal with, but i have trust, and confidence in her. our inception into poly is a very long story, but i accepted at first because i wanted her to be happy. on the other hand, the girlfriends that i have had the emotional connection but not that strong physical chemistry, i dont have jealousy issues over. the heartache is there over a break up, naturally, but i am no jealous.

her attraction to me is based mostly out of love, not so much physical chemistry, and our love is among the strongest i have ever known anyone to have. she does not have jealousy issues where i am involved.... however, i have seen her have jealousy issues over boyfriends where that chemistry was involved. others she adored because they were cute or sweet.... hmm no jealousy issues.

this is just my observation, you describe your relationship and attraction quite nicely, as almost perfect. if the chemistry is there, and then you found out what a great guy he is on top of all of that. (which is quite rare) then it may just be a hormone reaction that overrides all else, something we cant help, but can think ourselves through.

consider this maybe... he makes it a point to make you his absolute primary, making sure all of your needs are met before considering anyone else. your descriptions make it sound like he does. and poly is new to him, it gives him freedoms to exercise that he has never had before. as a *nice guy* i can say that the typical relationship is one of not exploring new things, but attaching ourselves to one person and doing everything we can to make that person happy. and it sounds like he is exploring the world of casual relationships, which *nice guys* rarely engage in.

it sounds by your description and his actions that he does care deeply for you, and that you two have a long and happy road to travel together as a couple. it is also good to see you are able to look inward and evaluate, and process some of these things. i think i have officially used up all my allotted words for the day, and must now let my keyboard rest.

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Old 09-19-2011, 04:58 PM
AuroraWD AuroraWD is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 12
Default Reply to JuliaGay

Thanks Julia for the response, I'm glad that my opening up helped you and possibly yours as well. The world is always made a better more beautiful place when we can find understanding and compassion for each other's moments of fear, grief, or weakness

As the "woman melting down" if I could offer any advice to the "OSO" to help every one be ok, I can tell you what I think would help me, if I were in her shoes...

First and foremost she is going to have to work on her "stuff", whatever is inside her that has triggered fear and insecurity, and no one else can do that for her, it's true... but both you and the shared partner can do so much to help her feel safe and secure and supported in her healing and self-discovery

She likely needs reassurances, lots of them, that she isn't going to "Lose" anything or anyone in this situation of sharing, and perhaps she, and all of you, can gain... more love to go around ya know. I don't know you're situation, if you and she are friends or know each other... but if you're not, that would probably help. I've been thinking that I would feel more secure with other girl's my Lover may be interested in, if I really got to know them, and developed my own friendly (or maybe even playful sexy) relationships with them, and then I would know that they A. respect our primary relationship and aren't trying to take him from me, and B. that I know them as real persons, not as imagined in my fears... which is always worst, the fear of the unknown.

And the shared partner can be supportive, loving and reassuring, while still keeping balanced boundaries... depending on all of your agreements.

Since I found this site, and started reading posts for my own situation, the one thing I've seen stated repeatedly that made the most sense to me is "Take things at the pace that is comfortable for the person who is struggling the most, have compassion and care about the hearts and feelings of ALL of the Loves involved."
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Old 09-19-2011, 05:22 PM
AuroraWD AuroraWD is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 12
Default Reply to Schtuff

Actually yes, you hit the nail on the head. Will and I's attraction was immediate, and unlike anything I have ever seen, experienced, or heard of... so powerfully strong and impossible to deny was the attraction between us it was magnetic. We walked past each other on a trail in the woods at a festival/camping event. I made a comment to my friend who was with me, saying "He is so Beautiful, I just want to watch him walk away" as I turned to watch him walk past me. Will heard me say this, and he immediately turned around, our eyes met, he smiled big, walked to me, completely forgot where he was going or why, followed me down the trail to where I was going. My friend got the biggest kick out of watching us that night, because once our eyes met, we couldn't stay away from each other or stop looking at each other. We connected to intensely and it was only a few minutes before we were kissing, then back in his tent in foreplay mode (which btw, he had never done before making out with a random strange girl at a festival), then I had gate duty for the next two hours, and he headed back to the main dance floor. I didn't think I'd see him again, but I couldn't stop thinking of him and smiling from just kissing him for about an hour.

Fifteen minutes into my gate shift, my friend started laughing hysterically and said, "Look who is coming back?!" I turned around and saw him walking back down the trail towards me. He had made it all the way to the main dance floor, and then turned back around and came back to me. I asked him why he had come back and he said "I can still smell you on me, I couldn't stay away, I had to find you again!" He spent the rest of those two hours hanging out with me at the gate, then we spent the night together... he found me on facebook the next day, we had a date two days later, and we have been together ever since!

I had kind of thought it would wear off over time, or the intensity would lessen, NRE's would mellow... but in the year we've been together so far, it has only grown deeper, more intense, and if we could do so, if we didn't have to work at different offices... we'd both be content spending 98% of our time together Of course we'd hang out with other people, but even when hanging out with other people, we are happier doing so together.

Hormones eh? yeah, we've both noticed that our pheromones and our scents have a powerful affect on each other and we spend a lot of time as physically close as our bodies can possibly get, and we both smell each other a lot and seem to get a strange kind of "high" off of just smelling each other.
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Old 09-19-2011, 08:12 PM
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JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Tacoma/Tucson (long story)
Posts: 75

Thanks, Aurora. Those are the things we are working toward. It's good to have confirmation that we're doing the right thing.

"But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
When you're standing outside the fire"
Garth Brooks and Jenny Yates
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Old 09-19-2011, 10:14 PM
AuroraWD AuroraWD is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 12
Default a new insight

I'm feeling much better today we had a lovely weekend of focused connection, being close cuddly romantic loving snuggly super sexy awesomeness and that helped my heart so very much.

I also had an unexpected insight into myself, and a new piece of the puzzle. I had gone to a Pagan Pride event, and ironically was teaching a workshop on Polyamory there. I found that my current experiences helped me have a new view on many things, and greater compassion for others who have struggled with emotions, relationships, poly, and fears. While at the workshop I met a lovely new couple, and found myself very attracted to them both, and particularly to the woman.

I came home and was telling Will about my experiences and how the girl had me all tingly when I realized how hypocritical it was that I was ok with Me being attracted to or interested in another woman, but terrified of Will being attracted to or interested in, or with, another woman. When I acknowledged that, I spent sometime looking inside myself. (side note, I was moderately stoned at the time and I have found that when stoned I have amazing moments of epiphany and problem solving).

When I was looking at that feeling, and wondering why that is... I had the thought "well because if I'm the one interested in another girl, it's not a threat to our relationship, because another girl could never replace Will in my life or heart... but if Will's into another girl, then I could be replaced." I found a very sore tender painful place in my heart & soul over this feeling of being "replaceable"

We talked about this insight, me feeling all vulnerable and kind of teary about it, and Will giving me what he always does ~ support, reassurance, validation and lots of Love. He held me close, kissed me a bunch, and looked me straight in the eyes and stated very firmly that I am absolutely NOT replaceable, not ever, not even a little bit.

But I found myself wondering why I feel that way, where that came from, and how that fear and feeling of being "replaced" had first come into my mind & heart.

I don't worry about Envy, because Envy I figured out long ago is Very easy to handle, in fact I kinda appreciate moments when Envy comes up in a relationship because it is sooooo easy to fix and so beneficial when understood and handled properly. Envy is wanting what you don't have (or don't have enough of, or haven't had recently) that you perceive someone else getting to have. Envy for me, is just a message from myself to myself saying "Hey... I really want that too!" and once I know what I want or need, all I have to do is Ask for it.

If another girl is getting a nice fancy date out, and I am feeling envious, then it's likely that I'm just feeling left out, or that I have a need or want to be taken out and made to feel special too... so I can just recognize that need or want, and speak up and ask for it

Jealousy is still hard, because I'm finding that jealousy for me, in this experience, is all based in deep deep primal level fears of Loss, of being left, of losing the person I love most, of losing my place in his heart and life to another, and of the pain that would bring me. It is also about my own feelings of self-worth, desirableness, value, and that feeling of being "replaceable". I'm trying to do with Jealousy what I did with Envy long ago... turn it into a positive, an opportunity to recognize a need within myself, and then be able to communicate that need and ask for what I want and need to feel safe and loved, special and secure... and not replaceable.
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Old 09-19-2011, 10:19 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229

Great Veaux essay on the issue of poly and (non)replaceability:

The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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Old 09-19-2011, 10:29 PM
AuroraWD AuroraWD is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 12

Thanks Annabel! great essay, and as a Mother of 4 kiddos, I can relate to that concept. I think part of my problem is that I had long ago realized that for me Will is utterly completely unique and irreplaceable, and if he left it would break my heart in a way beyond all my other heartbreaks and leave that hole no one else could fill or fix... but I didn't see myself as being just as unique and irreplaceable to him. I've been working on that this past weekend, trying to step out of my shoes and see through his eyes and his perspective and asking him questions about his feelings. I needed to shift my view to see that his love for me is just as great as mine for him and he sees my superhero soul and is completely truly in love with me, and that no one else can take my place.

But that doesn't mean that others cannot add to our lives... something I read in another thread that really helped me was the analogy of apple pie and chocolate ice cream. Apple pie is my absolute favorite and I love apple pie and I would never want to be without apple pie, but I also enjoy chocolate ice cream, neither one can replace the other... and since I'm bi... extra yummy if we can have apple pie with chocolate ice cream
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Old 09-20-2011, 09:01 PM
AuroraWD AuroraWD is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 12

Two quotes really spoke to me today:

"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." - Hemingway

"Until we have seen someone's darkness, we don't really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone's darkness, we don't really know what love is." - Marianne Williamson

I would add to this, that one of life's most healing beautiful experiences is when you have been loved by someone so much that they Love All of You, Light, Darkness & everything in between...
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Old 09-29-2011, 08:43 PM
Fish Fish is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 2

Thank you all so much for your responses. I had a really good think and came to the conclusion that I really was open to a poly relationship. I felt quite excited by the idea that it could bring a new openess and dimension to the relationship and when he admitted he had been seeing someone although annoyed at his dishonestly I found I was not jealous but keen to get to know this other person.

But then he came out with more things he had lied to me about and at first he said he was keen on a primary secondary structure and my ideals on having kids suited him then back tracked on both these things. I decided enough was enough and we should call it off before we caused each other more pain.

I really believe honesty is the most important aspect of any type of relationship and am very sad that I discovered he was incapable of it. How could a poly relationship work when one person is so full of lies?! I did truly discuss everything with him and gave him every opportunity to be honest. I have a feeling that in truth I was not as important to him as he made out. Mrfarfromright you hit the nail on the head, he met a person in a poly relationship whilst travelling and seemed just concerned with that. I have to say I am still open to a poly relationship, just one established on truth and honesty.
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casual sex, fear, insecurity, jealousy, mono/poly, monogamy, poly

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