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Old 10-03-2011, 07:12 AM
Vertige Vertige is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 3
Default Introducing myself, vertige- warning, I'm long winded.

Here we go!

I am a 27 yo female living in an "open relationship" with my fiancé, B, in Seattle, WA. B is straight and has no other partners ATM, nor in the foreseeable near future. I enjoy women, but have never dated one. In fact, I've barely dated, lol. I have a tertiary partner/lover I will refer to as J. It's not simple and easy, but those are the major details.

-- long winded part--
I have known J for about a decade. Early on we established a sexually charged friendship that proved over the years to be both wonderful and torrid.

I met B two years later, and basically went from date one to serious to living together in about 3 months. We were aware that this was fast, perhaps unsustainable, etc but we told each other that when the love drug wore off, we'd see what we had built. It's been 8 years and we still can't imagine living without the other in our lives.

Now, B and I fell into a conventional monogamous relationship by default. We were younger and inexperienced with relationships. I tried to relegate my relationship to J to just friendship. It didn't work. He has consistently been one of the few I turn to in times of stress and dilemma, so emotional attachment has been present through out. We also both cheated on our partners (B in my case, a few girlfriends in J's case) over the years with each other. It was horrible and hard and made me very insecure about J in my life and my own choices and immaturities.

Eventually everything came out with B. We discussed my love for both B and J and their roles in my life at least. Of course, B was extremely hurt by my lying and infidelity, but wanted me to be who I am and we've been working on it since. We talk about jealousy and insecurity and try to communicate openly and consistently. Work in progress. He has little interest in establishing a new relationship with another woman (too much work).

I still struggle with my relationship to J. We easily escalate sexually, and acknowledge that every time we talk, even as friends, our sexual interest will be in the background. He is basically a 'serial monogamist' to those around him, though I've rarely known him to not sleep with women outside his stated partner, with or without their knowledge. I have been a part of his infidelity with past girlfriends, and now his current, which makes me (and B) uneasy. In between, J dated a very close friend of mine, and she and I were open with each other about our relationship to him, and it was a great experience to have. Now, he has begun to date someone I would consider very integral to his daily life for the past few years, and although he says he has no expectations, wants her to be happy and is just going with the flow, he acknowledges she wouldn't be inclined to share, and that he'd still like to carry on with *if possible.

We would both like to continue to see each other, yet he is supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. If history repeats, which it will, he will eventually have to cut things off with me in an attempt to keep his relationship. We've tried remaining friendly in the past, which leads to us still seeing each other inappropriately. We are both aware of this, and although I really dislike the continual cheating and don't want to hurt his girlfriend, I consistently lack will power to cut things off. As his friend, I have advised him to try to be open about his interest in other women, but sometimes I fear the pattern of hiding things is too ingrained. He has never openly sought an open relationship, it's always depended on his partner. I relegate him to tertiary status, because I always need to be prepared for large changes in the way we interact with each other. He and I learning to communicate is a far greater exercise than B and I.

That's it for now, any welcomes or words of advice are appreciated it's nice to be here.

Last edited by Vertige; 10-03-2011 at 07:55 AM.
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Old 10-03-2011, 07:04 PM
ImaginaryIllusion's Avatar
ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,011

Sounds like you have a lot of moving pieces...

Welcome to the Forum.
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

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Old 10-04-2011, 12:25 PM
bassman bassman is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Surrey UK
Posts: 475

Welcome, I am new here too, but so far a very supportive place, and it sounds like you're trying to do the right thing by not wanting to not cheat anymore.
Male M, struggling noob.
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Old 10-06-2011, 01:49 PM
Vertige Vertige is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 3

Thanks for the welcomes

Yes, a few moving pieces, but that just seems to be the constant nowadays...
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