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Old 09-10-2011, 11:12 PM
polycouple polycouple is offline
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Default NRE Wears Off - Do Secondaries Suffer More?

Something I have been thinking about as I deal with the waning NRE in my triad is whether secondaries suffer most from the loss of NRE. The established couple slips comfortably back into their normal comfy routines, and the secondary is left alone. Is this a common experience of secondaries, or just my own experience?

I have to say that the context of my situations has multiple factors that contribute to this. Sarah lost her job, School started again for all of us and they no longer live right next door. They moved 15 minutes away. Now I feel like since they are always together, I am just an afterthought. I know that a lot of it has to do the with circumstances and nothing intentional on their part, but for some reason that doesn't help when I am home by myself feeling so alone, and missing them so much!
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Old 09-11-2011, 12:26 AM
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The established couple slips comfortably back into their normal comfy routines, and the secondary is left alone.
Why is a secondary left alone? Why wouldn't the two other people be taking care of the third as well as each other?

It sounds like you defer to them as a couple, as if they are in charge -- but you're in the relationship, too! Why not reach out to them? Also, are you seeing anyone else? Maybe you need to go out on some dates when they're not available.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-11-2011 at 12:31 AM.
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Old 09-11-2011, 12:40 AM
schtuff schtuff is offline
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i guess it really depends on the people involved. seems like the situation is not as ideal as it once was. life does have a habit of getting in the way sometimes, and presenting challenges to the things or people we want to do or see.

are you able to set up a date night, day, or something of that nature? have you talked to your love interest about spending more time together, about making more time for one another.

communication and caring are a two way street. keep things as open an honest as you can, and always try to keep in mind the challenges that your love ones face as well.

hope things improve.
schtuff
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Old 09-11-2011, 04:30 AM
polycouple polycouple is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Why is a secondary left alone? Why wouldn't the two other people be taking care of the third as well as each other?

It sounds like you defer to them as a couple, as if they are in charge -- but you're in the relationship, too! Why not reach out to them? Also, are you seeing anyone else? Maybe you need to go out on some dates when they're not available.
I have tried to reach out and I am not getting the results I feel I need to feel better. I can't figure out if I am not communicating clearly, or if they are just being really emotionally dense/insensitive. I have been telling them a lot lately about how lonely I feel now that they've moved away and I see them so infrequently compared to how it was. Last night they both feel asleep when we had planned to get together and I hadn't seen them in two days. Finally, at 10 he texted to let me know they fell asleep and that he was sorry, but said he was going to go back to sleep. I told him I felt ignored and he apologized and said they were up until 4:30 working on homework.

Then the next morning she texted to apologize and I let her know right away that I felt neglected, that I understood they were busy, but it was making me feel so lonely to be so far from them and have such sparse communication, because I miss the closeness we used to share.
She didn't get back to me for 6 hours! Meanwhile I asked both of them if they wanted to do dinner tonight. They both knew I had a big program today that I have been coordinating for months, neither of them texted to see how it went. I ended up texting both of them when I was done to ask again if they were interested in dinner. That was at 4pm. By 5 I let them know that I was eating without them because I hadn't heard from them.

I feel like I have lost a relationship that meant so much to me, and they don't even seem to care. I feel like I was just a fun thing to occupy their time while I was their neighbor. They were so attentive and loving, caring and proactive about wanting to see me. Now everything has changed.

finally they asked if I wanted to come over and do some work. When I got there I was coolly received. I thought I might get some comfort, some kind words, some reassurances, but no. I just got quick hugs and a hello.

your right, I defer to them. I don't think they are ready to treat me the way I need to be treated. I think I might have to get out of this relationship, but the thought of doing that makes me so sad. I really opened myself up to them, let myself fall deeply in love thinking that they would continue to take care of me the way they did for the first 7 months.

I have been trying to date but I just yearn for their attention while I am out with others, and I get envious that they are together living their lives leaving me out...I don't know how to overcome that.

Sorry, I just needed to vent that. I am really overwhelmed with emotions today.
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Old 09-11-2011, 04:38 AM
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i guess it really depends on the people involved. seems like the situation is not as ideal as it once was. life does have a habit of getting in the way sometimes, and presenting challenges to the things or people we want to do or see.

are you able to set up a date night, day, or something of that nature? have you talked to your love interest about spending more time together, about making more time for one another.

communication and caring are a two way street. keep things as open an honest as you can, and always try to keep in mind the challenges that your love ones face as well.

hope things improve.
schtuff
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have talked to them, but they seem very preoccupied and unmotivated to really support me. The beginning of this relationship was very difficult for Sarah, so I spent late nights speaking with her, comforting her, showering her with loving words, texts throughout the day. Now that I am the one struggling I feel like no one is giving me that kind of care that I shared. I wonder if I come off as strong, or cold so maybe they don't know how to comfort me....but I have been pretty clear about feeling lonely, neglected and ignored, but no action has been taken on their parts to help me feel better.
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Old 09-11-2011, 03:09 PM
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JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
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I'm sorry that you are struggling. Hopefully you'll find some help here.

I have been a secondary many times in my life and have not experienced what you are currently experiencing. I don't think the issue is the end of NRE, but a change of circumstances.

You haven't given us much information, so I'm not sure how to help you. Is your relationship with one or both of them? Are you a triad? Do you have individual relationships with both of them? Are they perhaps struggling with something else that is taking their attention right now?

Please give us more info. Thanks.

JG
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Old 09-11-2011, 04:23 PM
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Yeah, I would class this under problems caused by partner(s) being jerks, which is not limited to poly by any stretch. They need to either shape up and treat you with the respect and warmth you deserve, or at least explain what the heck the deal is. Maybe instead of regularly bringing it up, like you have been and which can just become nagging, you could just wait until they have the time and mental energy to see you and then have a bigger, serious conversation with them about it. If they won't make the time for that, or won't listen and respond in a caring way, they're not worth it.
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Old 09-11-2011, 04:40 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Finally, at 10 he texted to let me know they fell asleep and that he was sorry, but said he was going to go back to sleep. I told him I felt ignored and he apologized and said they were up until 4:30 working on homework.
Wait a minute--they were up most of the night doing homework? So it's quite reasonable that they were dead tired and fell asleep way early the following evening..and you're fussing at them for being insensitive?

I'll suggest that somebody else was being insensitive.

And you expect instantaneous replies to texts? Seriously? Do you really think they have absolutely nothing else going on during the day that they sit and wait for texts from you so they can respond immediately?

And you're only 15 minutes away? Why don't you just go visit when you're needing contact because you're so close? Why are you expecting them to do everything for you?
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Old 09-11-2011, 07:00 PM
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Polycouple,

When they aren't overtaxed with homework, etc., and have some temporal wiggle room, try asking them whether you still occupy the special place in their hearts as you had done
before the move. Be prepared for the truth. It could be good news. It could be disappointing. Be strong!
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Old 09-11-2011, 10:11 PM
polycouple polycouple is offline
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Wait a minute--they were up most of the night doing homework? So it's quite reasonable that they were dead tired and fell asleep way early the following evening..and you're fussing at them for being insensitive?

I'll suggest that somebody else was being insensitive.

And you expect instantaneous replies to texts? Seriously? Do you really think they have absolutely nothing else going on during the day that they sit and wait for texts from you so they can respond immediately?

And you're only 15 minutes away? Why don't you just go visit when you're needing contact because you're so close? Why are you expecting them to do everything for you?
You are right it was reasonable for them to be tired. All I wanted was for them to let me know that they would be tired and unable to hang out like we had planned. Instead, they feel asleep during a time frame that we were supposed to see one another after not seeing one another for almost three days.

And no, I don't expect an immediate response, but I do think 5-6 hours is a long response time considering that morning I let them know how sad and lonely I was about them moving away and standing me up after not seeing me for almost three days. Also, considering that all they were doing was school work on the couch all day, and additionally considering that I was coordinating one of the biggest programs on my job description so it would have been really nice for them to check in with me to see how it went. So if you think that is me being insensitive then I guess we will just have to disagree! I expect my loved ones to be responsive when I am sad, and I expect them to care about the outcome of something that is important to me. I don't think that is asking too much, and I happily do that for both of them all the time.

You have to understand I saw these two individuals EVERY DAY for over six months. We drank coffee together every morning, and met up immediately once we got home to cook dinner and work together and we would kiss each other good night right before bed. SO yea, 15 minutes sounds like nothing but that 15 minutes has fundamentally changed how much time we spend together, and has changed my routine that I enjoyed very much, a routine that brought me a feeling of closeness, family that I have not felt in a long time. I would not just drive over to their house unannounced. That would make me feel creepy.
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