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Old 09-09-2011, 05:48 PM
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gamerprincess gamerprincess is offline
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Default Are our expectations too high?

Sorry if this is a bit long..

Almost 2 months ago we met someone who we thought would be a good match for us. It seemed we had similar goals, we had a couple of dates and thought things were going well. Between our dates, we talked and texted each other a lot.

None of us had ever been in a poly relationship before of any kind, but we felt certain on knowing what we wanted and thought she felt the same. We invited her over for dinner and a movie last week, and thought maybe it was time to take things to the next level, seemed we were all feeling it at the time.

At dinner, we start talking about spending more time together. Our work schedules are a bit different and she doesn't have a car, so being that she lives about 30 mins away, we wanted to figure out something that would enable us to be together more.

She then says she's got 3 other couples that she's seeing casually and wants to see us casually as well.. tells us that she just got out of a relationship 5 months ago and just wants casual fun so she doesn't think that more than once a week or once every couple of weeks is going to work for her. Said she really likes us and that's why she couldn't tell us what her true intentions were at first because she knew we wanted more.

Needless to say, we were kind of turned off by her being with so many people and being so casual about it. To her, I think she thinks polyamory means promiscuity and no emotional or deeper connection. On top of it, she felt uncomfortable with the discussion of STD testing. Big red flags all of the way around...

We took her home and said we still wanted to be friends and grab dinner or mini golf here and there and left it at that. She hasn't contacted us since.

We're beginning to wonder.. Are we setting our expectations too high? We're open to someone with a SO already or someone who is in a relationship with another couple, but we're not open to something casual or something with so many people involved that it makes it hard to spend time together more than once a week. Ideally we want a closed triad. After going on 4 to 5 years in looking for "the one" it's getting really frustrating.

We're not extremely social, so I think that makes it hard too. Like, what would we do? Go to a bar and try to meet someone? I don't even know how you would approach a woman in that situation that you were interested in. That also just seems kind of sleazy to us.. We've tried online, but keep meeting people way too far away or those that are close are turn out to be psychotic or looking for casual sex. We've talked about trying to go to one of the Polyamory group meetings in L.A., but he doesn't really seem interested in that at all.

Are we just going about this entirely the wrong way? Are we being too impatient? I'm sure some of you have been in our place before and understand where we are coming from. Thanks for any advice and input
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Old 09-09-2011, 06:08 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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It may very well be that you do have expectations of things progressing faster than what may be reasonable for just meeting someone. When you were single and dating, did you expect exclusivity so soon into a relationship (you've only had a "few" face to face dates)? I imagine, the distance can make meeting more often very stressful, especially as you are just getting to know each other.

I have been in the process of making new friends lately (not date potentials) and a few of them I see once a week, while others I might see once a month. I don't see this as too infrequent for just getting to know new people. That I know it's not just a one time thing does make a difference and I also talk to a few online occasionally. We all have extremely busy lives, jobs and families that require most of our attention.
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Old 09-09-2011, 06:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gamerprincess View Post
Are we just going about this entirely the wrong way? Are we being too impatient? I'm sure some of you have been in our place before and understand where we are coming from. Thanks for any advice and input

Let`s mostly forget, the shoulda`s, woulda`s, coulda`s.
The reality is, it`s time for you to make a new list of your expectations.
In one column have 'Necessities'
In the other ' flexible'

Necessity :
- STD testing should be mandatory, and someone who has issues with it, should be given a small grace period to think on it, and then promptly disposed of, if they don`t see the light. So this is a necessity.

Where as ;
- Distance...get more flexible. Apparently, single poly-fi broads, are not exactly falling off trees during harvest season, in your region.

------

Another reality check,..Yeah sure, go to bars. Go kayaking. Go learn how to play a tuba. Whatever. When you say ' I don`t even know how,..'..well duh,..nobody knows how to do anything ...at first. You learn.
You learn, and in the process you might meet someone. If not, you have some fancy new skillz other then nerding-it-out on a computer.

Back to shoulda`s and woulda`s,...

...Laying out your hopes and dreams for the next 3-4 years, with someone you just met, ( in that kind of detail) is going to make them think twice. Even if it doesn`t sound desperate, it does make a person feel like you have this nifty little poly-box, you have designed. The first girl off the assembly line to jump in, wins the bow-tie.
Most people start out with one ideal, and then find the reality to be quite different to what they imagined.
Increase your odds, without becoming what you dislike.
Loosen up your ideals, but stay tight on your ethics.

Last edited by SourGirl; 09-09-2011 at 06:17 PM.
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Old 09-09-2011, 06:15 PM
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gamerprincess gamerprincess is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
It may very well be that you do have expectations of things progressing faster than what may be reasonable for just meeting someone. When you were single and dating, did you expect exclusivity so soon into a relationship (you've only had a "few" face to face dates)? I imagine, the distance can make meeting more often very stressful, especially as you are just getting to know each other.

I have been in the process of making new friends lately (not date potentials) and a few of them I see once a week, while others I might see once a month. I don't see this as too infrequent for just getting to know new people. That I know it's not just a one time thing does make a difference and I also talk to a few online occasionally. We all have extremely busy lives, jobs and families that require most of our attention.
I've only had 2 serious relationships.. 1 was my ex whom I married and divorced years later.. and then J who I have been with for 6 years. Both relationships did move incredibly fast, so I think that I just don't know how to date slow *sigh*

When I was single between my ex and J, for about a year, I just had casual sex with a few people.. I saw them all pretty regularly, about once a week or so, but I never had any intention of developing serious feelings for them and honestly one of them felt really led on. Poor communication on both of our parts, especially mine though.

I think because I did act so casually (not that there is anything wrong with it, it's just not for me now..or for us), I stay away from that behavior at all costs.
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Old 09-09-2011, 06:18 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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How did you meet each other? Before you met each other, did you not have other people you were seeing that it didn't work out with? Why would it be any different trying to find a third partner? I don't think you should be so discouraged just because the first person you dated as a unit didn't work out.

Also, there will be no easy answer for you because people are still people and the vast majority of people do not make ideal partners for the vast majority of people, so my advice is to really be appreciative of the one relationship you already have and not get too hung up on "finding" another partner.

My attitude toward this kind of "seeking people" thing is not very popular around here. I prefer to engage in activities and socializing based on what I want to do, not based on whether it might yield potential partners. I joined roller derby because I want to skate - however there are lots of potential social connections to be made, but only now, after 2 years, am I beginning to REALLY connect with some of the other people. Same with recreational nudism - I go to the clothing optional campgrounds because I like to be naked and I hate wet bathing suits - however there are lots of potential social connections to be made. Although I am interested in medieval stuff, I do not have time to join the SCA - but if I did, I'd join because i want to do medieval stuff, not because there might be polyamorous people there.

If you don't like to go out or whatever, then I guess you're just going to have to keep shopping the internet and try to make that work for you.
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Old 09-09-2011, 06:21 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Sour Girl already said the same thing that I said.
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Old 09-09-2011, 06:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
Let`s mostly forget, the shoulda`s, woulda`s, coulda`s.
The reality is, it`s time for you to make a new list of your expectations.
In one column have 'Necessities'
In the other ' flexible'

Necessity :
- STD testing should be mandatory, and someone who has issues with it, should be given a small grace period to think on it, and then promptly disposed of, if they don`t see the light. So this is a necessity.

Where as ;
- Distance...get more flexible. Apparently, single poly-fi broads, are not exactly falling off trees during harvest season, in your region.

------

Another reality check,..Yeah sure, go to bars. Go kayaking. Go learn how to play a tuba. Whatever. When you say ' I don`t even know how,..'..well duh,..nobody knows how to do anything ...at first. You learn.
You learn, and in the process you might meet someone. If not, you have some fancy new skillz other then nerding-it-out on a computer.

Back to shoulda`s and woulda`s,...

...Laying out your hopes and dreams for the next 3-4 years, with someone you just met, ( in that kind of detail) is going to make them think twice. Even if it doesn`t sound desperate, it does make a person feel like you have this nifty little poly-box, you have designed. The first girl off the assembly line to jump in, wins the bow-tie.
Most people start out with one ideal, and then find the reality to be quite different to what they imagined.
Increase your odds, without becoming what you dislike.
Loosen up your ideals, but stay tight on your ethics.
thanks for the list suggestion! We'll sit down tonight and work on it

The poly-fi broads definitely aren't falling off the tree here.. In fact those trees are bare here if you ask me.

I don't think we were intentionally trying to sound desperate; more just wanting to get it out there on what we ideally want and if that's not something that whoever we meet is interested in, then that's fine, but we'd prefer to know it before investing ourselves.
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Old 09-09-2011, 06:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
How did you meet each other? Before you met each other, did you not have other people you were seeing that it didn't work out with? Why would it be any different trying to find a third partner? I don't think you should be so discouraged just because the first person you dated as a unit didn't work out.

Also, there will be no easy answer for you because people are still people and the vast majority of people do not make ideal partners for the vast majority of people, so my advice is to really be appreciative of the one relationship you already have and not get too hung up on "finding" another partner.

My attitude toward this kind of "seeking people" thing is not very popular around here. I prefer to engage in activities and socializing based on what I want to do, not based on whether it might yield potential partners. I joined roller derby because I want to skate - however there are lots of potential social connections to be made, but only now, after 2 years, am I beginning to REALLY connect with some of the other people. Same with recreational nudism - I go to the clothing optional campgrounds because I like to be naked and I hate wet bathing suits - however there are lots of potential social connections to be made. Although I am interested in medieval stuff, I do not have time to join the SCA - but if I did, I'd join because i want to do medieval stuff, not because there might be polyamorous people there.

If you don't like to go out or whatever, then I guess you're just going to have to keep shopping the internet and try to make that work for you.
Him and I met through a mutual friend and we were inseparable from the first day we met. We totally appreciate one another, but we've known for a long time that we really want to add to our relationship with another woman. At one point we toyed around with the idea of other configurations but ultimately we weren't comfortable having other relationships outside our our primary one or one that wasn't a triad.

I agree we both need to get out more. We both have hobbies we like to do, but they are mostly solitary. I ride a friend's horse fairly regularly, but it's by myself. He's big into comepetive gaming. I've thought about joing a local softball league or bowling league to get out more and make new friends.
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Old 09-09-2011, 06:44 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Five months ago, a serious relationship ended for her. Two months ago, she started seeing you two, and probably around the same time, three other couples casually. What makes you say that is promiscuous? Even if she's having sex with everyone in all four couples (she might not be), that doesn't make it a bad thing. She's poly. Besides, two months into any relationship is rather soon to ask for exclusivity.

Were you having sex with her yet? If so, were you using protection? If yes, what makes you think she wasn't using protection with everyone else? You say she was "uncomfortable" talking about STDs. Does that mean she refused to talk about it or just didn't like talking about it? I don't know anyone who really enjoys the topic. Even though it's necessary, I'm sure we all wish we didn't have to bring it up.

My initial reaction to your first post is that you've jumped to some conclusions that may not be true, and you're maybe being a bit judgmental about her choice to keep things a little casual for a while until she's healed from the end of that relationship. We all know that it can be tough when you're on the rebound. Plus, maybe she's just exercising caution about joining a couple and wants to make sure she's found the right couple for her, as we've all heard the stories about how problematic triads can be for someone in that position. It sounds like she knows what she wants. I don't see anything wrong with what she's doing, unless she's being very unsafe sexually.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-09-2011 at 06:50 PM.
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Old 09-09-2011, 07:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Five months ago, a serious relationship ended for her. Two months ago, she started seeing you two, and probably around the same time, three other couples casually. What makes you say that is promiscuous? Even if she's having sex with everyone in all four couples (she might not be), that doesn't make it a bad thing. She's poly. Besides, two months into any relationship is rather soon to ask for exclusivity.

Were you having sex with her yet? If so, were you using protection? If yes, what makes you think she wasn't using protection with everyone else? You say she was "uncomfortable" talking about STDs. Does that mean she refused to talk about it or just didn't like talking about it? I don't know anyone who really enjoys the topic. Even though it's necessary, I'm sure we all wish we didn't have to bring it up.

My initial reaction to your first post is that you've jumped to some conclusions that may not be true, and you're maybe being a bit judgmental about her choice to keep things a little casual for a while until she's healed from the end of that relationship. We all know that it can be tough when you're on the rebound. Plus, maybe she's just exercising caution about joining a couple and wants to make sure she's found the right couple for her, as we've all heard the stories about how problematic triads can be for someone in that position. It sounds like she knows what she wants. I don't see anything wrong with what she's doing, unless she's being very unsafe sexually.
I say promiscuous, because she did mention that she doesn't always practice safe sex with one of the couples she is seeing. She has been seeing them since pretty much right after the breakup, because he has a vasectomy. The whole thing came up after we brought up the idea of maybe taking it to the next level and having sex.. because we hadn't. I figured 2 months was a good enough time since we all seemed comfortable. She asked if J had a vasectomy or if he was OK going bareback at times, because she liked that better. Said shes on BC, so it shouldn't be a big deal.

That's when we interjected and were like, huh, other couples? Cool, how many? 3? and you're having unprocted sex? So, are you OK with STD testing, because we are clean and don't want to take any risks. She said that she felt she wasn't being risky since the other couple told her they were clean.. I asked if she ever saw any results, she said no but trusts them. I said, well OK, but would you be comfortable with us all getting tested before hand, that way we can show you ours, you can show us yours.

She then kept saying how she felt we weren't trusting her...

I know it's not a pleasant topic for anyone, but it's a necessary one for sure..

It's fine that she wants to remain casual, but we just weren't looking for someone who was that casual to NOT use protection or someone who felt we werent trusting her when it comes to our health.

I know there are different ways of living poly, but to us.. we just don't feel casual sex with no attachments is the way for us. I'm just saying it's hard to someone that embraces that same opinion. if we're going to involve sex, it's going to be because we want something more.. all of us..and have the intention to invest the time in a relationship. We've got no problem with someone who is married or has a SO.. or even more than one.. But we want to know that everyone is safe and healthy.

I;ve heard the horror stories from someone in her position.. And that's why she's said that one of the other reasons she wants to keep things casual and fun, is that she doesn't want to come between a couple.. and that if it's kept casual and fun, with no serious feelings, than no one can get hurt and it can just be over at anytime anyone wants. Basically she said she has no intention of developing any serious realtionship with a couple, because she wants to be a primary. When we told her we wanted an equal relationship, where we are all primaries to one another, she said that's not what she wants, so for now she's just experimenting on what it's like to be with a couple so in the future when she's ready for something more, she can find a man to be with and then add someone else.

She also wasn't comfortable with being with us separately.. like if I was out of town for a few days, or vice versa. She only wanted to see us together if it involved sex. We were kind of hoping to have separate dates here and there, if one of us had something to do that night.

Pretty much, we didn't want to be the "thing in the meantime" you know?
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