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  #11  
Old 09-08-2011, 03:32 AM
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JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
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Yep, NYC, this is the guy I talked about when I first got here. I don't know for sure that his NRE was threatening to her. I'm hoping to be able to ask her in person.

schtuff, I don't compartmentalize well at all. I'm hoping to keep my resolve when I see him in person. Although I have not stopped my grieving process, just sort of put it on hold. I don't seem to be able to get beyond the deal breaker, so it appears to be a roadblock for me. And that's a good thing, I think.

I'll go get a neck brace. I think I'm going to need.

Thanks for the input and the support. It really means a lot to me.

JG
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  #12  
Old 09-08-2011, 04:18 AM
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I just don't get why a veto power should ever exist. If you do something egregious, shouldn't he *want* to break up with you? If you were, say, ongoingly cruel to his wife, why would he want to stay with you? And hell, if he did want to stay with someone who was cruel to his wife and wouldn't stop her cruel ways, then that would say he didn't care much about his wife... in which case, why would *she* want to stay with him??

I just... being a secondary myself, I just can't stand the whole idea of veto power. Obviously if she thinks you're bad for him, or bad for their marriage, she can talk to him and she could say things like "I think you should leave her" or "I can't stay if you stay with her." But those are conversations, it's different. I mean, I suppose it's a semantic difference at that point, but...

Just, fuck the whole veto thing. Fuck it. I don't think I could stand knowing one was in place. And after you've been burned once by it, I don't see how you could stand it. I don't mean to be hurtful to you, just wanted to be honest.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
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  #13  
Old 09-08-2011, 04:36 AM
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AnnabelMore, I hear you. But we will have to agree to disagree on part of it.

However, that's not what I have asked for. I've asked for help with my blind spots to see what else I could/should be considering. Do you have anything to offer on that topic?

I've been burned by lots of things in relationships over the decades. If I were to deny myself relationships because I've been burned...well, I'm not willing to do that. I need relationships, so I persevere. I've also had positive experience in relationships which include the primary partner's veto rights. It's not all bad.

JG
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Life is not tried, it is merely survived
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  #14  
Old 09-08-2011, 01:26 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I hope I didn't make you feel attacked, because despite the fact that I wouldn't do it myself, that doesn't mean I think it can't be the right choice for you. It makes me wonder, really, *why* the topic makes me so upset, since the difference really is only a semantic one.

As for helpful advice instead of just strongly worded opinions on the broader topic at hand... er... not so much, I'm afraid. I can say, at least, that I know from experience that restarting a relationship with an ex can work. Good luck!!
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #15  
Old 09-08-2011, 03:50 PM
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No, I didn't feel attacked. Just didn't want to get into a debate about veto powers. I agree that what you wrote is about semantics. And introspection is never a bad thing.

Thanks for the good wishes. We'll see where it goes. I haven't heard back from him on my need for assurance about the disposable thing. He tends to need a few days to think big things through, so hopefully I'll hear from him this weekend. If not, oh well.....

JG
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"But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
....
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
When you're standing outside the fire"
Garth Brooks and Jenny Yates
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  #16  
Old 09-08-2011, 08:54 PM
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If the NRE indeed was an issue, I wonder if there is a way to mitigate that, perhaps by taking things very slowly. Maybe not jumping into the fire right away and letting things build.

Annabel, maybe you can share some of the things you asked for or wrestled with internally when you decided to get back with Davis. Oh, Julia, if you haven't read Annabel's blog, you should. She's a wunnerful writer and her story is inspiring.
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  #17  
Old 09-08-2011, 09:27 PM
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Going slowly is also a good thing, NYC. That's part of what a probationary period would be for me, I realize. Slowness is going to be enforced on us pretty soon since I will be going out of town for three weeks and he will be leaving for 10 days three days after I return. So there'll be a month and change of long distance communication only.

That's if we're still talking. I hate silence. I have no idea what's going on and it's very hard for me to be in limbo. I made my request for assurance on the disposable issue two days ago. I'm trying not to be impatient. *sigh* We've got 10 days until I leave to try to figure something out.

Thank you to everyone for their comments and support. It's really helpful to have this forum to talk about my struggles.

JG
__________________
"But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
....
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
When you're standing outside the fire"
Garth Brooks and Jenny Yates
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  #18  
Old 09-09-2011, 03:57 AM
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Aww, thanks Nyc. But I'm afraid I really don't think I have any advice to give here. My relationship with Davis both ended and restarted for very different reasons than what Julia is dealing with. And in restarting things I actually let Davis exercise a sort of veto by agreeing to table my sexual relationship with Harry. It's true that Harry and I weren't "officially dating" but, again, semantics...
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #19  
Old 09-11-2011, 03:17 PM
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JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
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Well, I am finally getting to meet and talk with D in person tonight. We've been phoning and emailing for the last week since our schedules didn't mesh.

I know what I need from him, I know what I should do if he says he can't meet that need...but I'm not sure I am strong enough to walk away if he says he can't. If you're so inclined, I'd appreciate any good luck, good thoughts, strength energy, or prayers depending on your spiritual preferences.

Thanks.

JG
__________________
"But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
....
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
When you're standing outside the fire"
Garth Brooks and Jenny Yates
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  #20  
Old 09-13-2011, 07:32 PM
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JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
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Well, my meeting with D went very well. He told me, before I could ask, that should his wife try to veto again he is prepared to stand up to her and not acquiesce right away. That makes me feel safer. Not completely safe, but safer.

I have also met her now. I did not ask her for assurance that she won't pull out the veto again unless the three of us can't work something out. I will at a later time. It just didn't feel right during this meeting, so I didn't ask. Trying to listen to my gut more....

D and I have agreed to go slowly. We've talked in depth about what we want this relationship to be. We have a date tonight. So far, so good. But I know it's early...

Thanks again for listening and sending energy.

JG
__________________
"But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
....
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
When you're standing outside the fire"
Garth Brooks and Jenny Yates
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