Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-03-2010, 11:14 PM
rpcrazy's Avatar
rpcrazy rpcrazy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 171
Default My story...

There hasn't been a person I had feelings for(not "loved" necessarily) that I didn't want to share physical intimacy with since I was 8, sloppily making out with and groping a girl in my backyard. I'm sexually over-active in my opinion, but in a sharp contrast it's ONLY restricted to people I have legitimate feelings for as i've had advances more than several times and have been completely uninterested, even though the person advancing was attractive. At 23 I cheated for the first time, on my g/f for 2 years with a girl I really liked...and was greedy enough to consider dating them both but too cowardly and immature to be truthful about my desires to actually say anything to my g/f. Afterwards I label myself poly, but realize I am too cowardly to be non-conforming.

1.5 years later, me and my girlfriend(W1) get into a "foursome" from what was supposed to be a really fun "swingers" night in a juccuzzi with another couple. She knew I was poly, but we agreed previously to keep it monogamous until this happened. My girlfriend initiated it unknowingly to me because she thought I was getting bored of her. Months later, after a full(bi-sex) relationship I fell in love with the girl of the other couple(W2). The other spouses notice strong feelings, and emphasize rules of conduct in public and no sex. We feel restrained and eventual start having a full on sexual relationship without their knowledge. We figure, "if we're doing it in front of them, why does it matter?", however that is just a cowardly logic. Stress and drama ensue after we tell our spouses that we're in love with each other, and tension rises even more than it already was. I break up with 'W1' and other couple relationship is strained even more because of it. A month later(still living with g/f) I have a sexual episode with W1. After meeting with W2 i'm about to tell her and she says, "look, no engagement ring...we got into a big argument". I freeze, and lie to her. 5 days later she finds out and is hurt like i've never seen another person hurt. other spouses' male(M2) asks 'W2' to choose. 'W2' doesn't choose, and 'M2' leaves relationship.

5 months later, i'm living with 'W2'. She's still getting over her 'M2' and the fact that she feels i'm fucking every girl I come in contact with.

I've learned so much from all this...and here are a few things...
Lying, omission, all of it, will never work out. Truth is a part of love. And if you're not being truthful with yourself, or the people you love, you are showing them that you don't love them; because having love isn't giving it. And it isn't erasable, you can't take the offense back. You can heal wounds but there will always be scarring whether big or small. I pledged myself to show the largest amount of love to my loved ones within my ability, and grow that capacity for love as I grow older.

The courage to be truthful about who you are and what you REALLY want instead of what society, or whoever else, tells you is equally related to how mature you are. I was a silly boy, who was unable to control his urges for self-gratification. Now I am a stronger man who has grown in his resolve to fight for what he wants, be truthful about who he is, and also have the control to do what he want or needs to do, above what he "feels".

Cheating...is about selfishness. Complete and utter lack of care for anyone else who is or even would be affected by your actions in any kind of way; selfishness. Some selfishness is fine, but cheating is one of the worst kind of offenses, worst sort of selfishness. Selfish-ness over your loved ones also shows them that you don't love them. Being an only child who grew up lying to his parents about his grades, i've pledged myself to change. To train my behavior to automatically think about how people I love will be affected by my actions.

I didn't write this for any type of absolution, pity, reprieve or lament. I'm writing this for those of you poly newbies who are young, confused, and most likely don't know yourselves yet. For all the people who are thinking those same selfish thoughts I had mid last year. And for those of you who try and infuse the same concepts i talk about at the end of this post. See my story as an example for what not to do and what can happen when dishonesty and deceit are backings of your relationships.

As of now i'm in an 'open' relationship with my g/f(W2). She still doesn't trust me, and we're open so she doesn't have to care when i'm cheating on her, which is what she thinks. I'm not. I've completely given myself to her and am completely devoted to her. People say we won't last long...personally, I say give it time. In either case, if it falls apart I won't regret the bad and good times we've had. Knowing what I know now though, I definitely would of done it differently.


May all of your lives and relationships be blessed with success. thanks for reading.

-namaste
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-03-2010, 11:48 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

thanks for sharing this....welcome
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-04-2010, 06:32 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

thanks for writing this bit of truth. I have learned similar lessons along the way and think that the only way to heal and help others is to tell ones story. Thank for doing that here.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-04-2010, 06:55 PM
Petal Petal is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Southern Eastcoast
Posts: 17
Default

Thanks for letting us in on your experience. You shared some very valuable life lessons. I enjoyed the insight.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-04-2010, 07:13 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Charleston, WV
Posts: 119
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by rpcrazy View Post
Lying, omission, all of it, will never work out. Truth is a part of love. And if you're not being truthful with yourself, or the people you love, you are showing them that you don't love them; because having love isn't giving it. And it isn't erasable, you can't take the offense back. You can heal wounds but there will always be scarring whether big or small. I pledged myself to show the largest amount of love to my loved ones within my ability, and grow that capacity for love as I grow older.

The courage to be truthful about who you are and what you REALLY want instead of what society, or whoever else, tells you is equally related to how mature you are.

Cheating...is about selfishness. Complete and utter lack of care for anyone else who is or even would be affected by your actions in any kind of way; selfishness. Some selfishness is fine, but cheating is one of the worst kind of offenses, worst sort of selfishness. Selfish-ness over your loved ones also shows them that you don't love them.

I didn't write this for any type of absolution, pity, reprieve or lament. I'm writing this for those of you poly newbies who are young, confused, and most likely don't know yourselves yet. For all the people who are thinking those same selfish thoughts I had mid last year. And for those of you who try and infuse the same concepts i talk about at the end of this post. See my story as an example for what not to do and what can happen when dishonesty and deceit are backings of your relationships.
Amen to this. Amen.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rpcrazy View Post
As of now i'm in an 'open' relationship with my g/f(W2). She still doesn't trust me, and we're open so she doesn't have to care when i'm cheating on her, which is what she thinks. I'm not. I've completely given myself to her and am completely devoted to her. People say we won't last long...personally, I say give it time. In either case, if it falls apart I won't regret the bad and good times we've had. Knowing what I know now though, I definitely would of done it differently.


May all of your lives and relationships be blessed with success. thanks for reading.

-namaste
For this part, all I have to say is give it time. Continue to stay patient with her. She is hurting. She believes in you enough to stick it out. But you now have to go at this at her pace. We all do it differently. I was in your gf's shoes. You'd have to read my blog over in Life Stories and Blogs - Blog of the Mono Wife. And all stories turn out differently. I hope yours has a happy ending. Good Luck.
If your gf needs a mono to talk to I am willing to help and I am no the only one on here.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 06-27-2011, 09:56 AM
Keiuna's Avatar
Keiuna Keiuna is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: B.C., Canada
Posts: 11
Default

Thanks for sharing this.

I'm currently working through dishonesty and trust issues with my girlfriend and I found your story to be extremely encouraging. I'm coming to learn that by being dishonest in my relationship I'm not fully trusting my girlfriend and withholding love from her.

Quote:
I've learned so much from all this...and here are a few things...
Lying, omission, all of it, will never work out. Truth is a part of love. And if you're not being truthful with yourself, or the people you love, you are showing them that you don't love them; because having love isn't giving it. And it isn't erasable, you can't take the offense back. You can heal wounds but there will always be scarring whether big or small. I pledged myself to show the largest amount of love to my loved ones within my ability, and grow that capacity for love as I grow older.
You seem to have hit the nail right on the head! This is a truly beautiful thought. This is going to be my mantra for the next few weeks

Thank you again.
-namaste
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 09-07-2011, 09:23 PM
Snowdancer's Avatar
Snowdancer Snowdancer is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Washington, DC area
Posts: 59
Default

Thanks for sharing your story. It takes a lot of maturity and courage to have a good poly relationship. At 55, I'm just now getting to the point where I can handle one. It would have been great during my hormonal years; unfortunately, I just wasn't knowledgeable or mature enough to do it on my own. Thank goodness for the internet!
__________________
55 y.o. unmarried straight male w/straight GF wishing to meet women for dating and relationships. Also interested in just meeting people for fun and friendships. Blog and email buddies welcome!
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 09-07-2011, 10:08 PM
DancingNancy DancingNancy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
Default

Thanks for sharing this.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
affair, affairs, cheating, honesty, lying, truth

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:37 PM.