Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 09-07-2011, 05:18 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,255
Default

I woke up thinking of you today, Carma.

As I lay in bed, I was thinking about how afraid you are of Sundance. Yes, afraid to to insist on honesty from him, afraid to rock the boat and displease him by loving Butch as fully as you do, afraid of his leaving you. I wondered why you keep making excuses for him and have not yet invited Barbie over yourself. It made me sad. It reminded me of my marriage and how afraid my husband and I were to be true to ourselves. As you know, I am now dealing with the aftermath of that. I just feel like you're on a dangerous precipice and refusing to open your eyes. There is lots of useful feedback here in this thread, as there has been in your blog, but why do I think that next week there will be another thread from you still asking the same questions?

Woman, be brave.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 09-08-2011, 02:06 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,255
Default

Had to add something because I went out but this passage kept popping into my head:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carma View Post
I've been pushing him to truth up and get real with her, and for all 3 of us to meet. He DOES say he's working on it, and I believe him.
What does "working on it" mean, exactly? Either he lies or comes clean; there's no in-between. Either you all meet or you don't; there's no in-between.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 09-08-2011, 02:12 AM
Carma's Avatar
Carma Carma is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478
Default

I guess I am playing victim because I feel powerless to "make" him be more honest. Well it's true -- I can't.

I don't have to play victim, either, but it has been helpful to come here when I'm hurting and confused. People here remind me I do have choices and I can be more demanding and I can make ultimatums. I've just never been very good at enforcing boundaries. And I still feel like this whole poly thing was my doing, so it's MY problem. I brought it on myself.
__________________
Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 09-08-2011, 02:22 AM
Carma's Avatar
Carma Carma is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478
Default

Just read your post NYC. Nail on head. I'm scared of him. Always have been. We were in therapy for awhile and we were working towards sorting that out, but our lovely counselor retired.

My first marriage was to a pathological liar/sociopath. I was terrified of him. He used to say, "Why? I never hit you." My mother said, "He never HAD to." I was way scared of rocking the boat with him.

Sundance has a TEMPER. He's never hit me, and I sincerely doubt he ever would. But his anger scares the holy hell out of me. He says I overreact to his anger, that it is MY problem, not his. I am still very confused about this. But I have seen his anger make him do and say some rash and hurtful things.

The idea of actually stepping over his head and contacting Barbie on my own???? I would never do that. He'd be fucking furious!!!
__________________
Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 09-08-2011, 02:34 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carma View Post

The idea of actually stepping over his head and contacting Barbie on my own???? I would never do that. He'd be fucking furious!!!
Why? You're an adult, she's an adult, she supposedly knows about you, so what is he telling her that he doesn't want you to find out?
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 09-08-2011, 08:28 AM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 604
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carma View Post
Just read your post NYC. Nail on head. I'm scared of him. Always have been.

Sundance has a TEMPER. He's never hit me, and I sincerely doubt he ever would. But his anger scares the holy hell out of me. He says I overreact to his anger, that it is MY problem, not his. [...] stepping over his head [...] I would never do that. He'd be fucking furious!!!
Sorry but this seems serious to me. You shouldn't be afraid of your partner. Full stop. If you both are aware of this dynamic, you should bear it in mind when dealing with this situation at hand. I can't offer advice on this special part, I have never experienced it, but I can't imagine that you are feeling good with something like this on your mind when dealing with complicated relationship issues. Please take care of yourself and get this sorted out. Good luck, I am sorry that I can't be of more help.
__________________
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 09-08-2011, 01:34 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,669
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carma View Post
Just read your post NYC. Nail on head. I'm scared of him. Always have been. We were in therapy for awhile and we were working towards sorting that out, but our lovely counselor retired.

My first marriage was to a pathological liar/sociopath. I was terrified of him. He used to say, "Why? I never hit you." My mother said, "He never HAD to." I was way scared of rocking the boat with him.

Sundance has a TEMPER. He's never hit me, and I sincerely doubt he ever would. But his anger scares the holy hell out of me. He says I overreact to his anger, that it is MY problem, not his. I am still very confused about this. But I have seen his anger make him do and say some rash and hurtful things.

The idea of actually stepping over his head and contacting Barbie on my own???? I would never do that. He'd be fucking furious!!!
Yikes. Time to get another lovely counselor.

And Barbie? In another relationship with an abusive sugar daddy, and now with Sun, who is feeding her all kinds of bs?

This is all kinds of fucked up.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 09-08-2011, 08:49 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,255
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
This is all kinds of fucked up.
But it's not without hope!!!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 09-08-2011, 09:23 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,669
Default

Oh yes, of course. I didn't mean to imply that!
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 09-09-2011, 10:50 PM
Carma's Avatar
Carma Carma is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478
Default

Ha ha thanks guys. It does feel hopeless sometimes though!

When we started our V, I did feel good about it and yes, Sundance had some jealousy issues but overall we were really working them through.

When he started up with his girl I had expectations, I guess, that never came to be. Mostly the HONESTY, I seriously thought it would be a part of it. Did NOT see this coming. So I've really been thrown for a loop. Dishonesty is so scary, I was tortured by it with my ex, so I guess this feels horrible all over again -- not to mention the jealousy that I'd be dealing with, even under the best of circumstances.

I do not want to put him through The Inquisition or be some sort of spy but I can't help but constantly be suspicious of everything he says now. This is not healthy for me. I am a basket case.

I told him last night that I want to be separated until we can resolve our outside relationships. We will have to live in the same house for many practical reasons. But no more intimacy. And what he does with her and what I do with Butch, will be our own business, for the most part. I have to detach, for my sanity.

Yesterday (Thursday) was my birthday and it sucked.

He'd been with her the night before my b-day (Wednesday night, and he stayed overnight because he had an early meeting. Supposedly at a hotel, but my mind went crazy. Did she stay with him? Did he stay at her house? How would I know? And I'm too embarrassed by my paranoia to ask him! Or worse, to have to ask for proof! I want my dignity back!). When he left I tried to kiss him good-bye and he would hardly even look at me. He pushed me away from his neck, he was afraid I would leave a mark and she would see it. I was NOT trying to sabotage his time with her (even subconsciously, I really don't think I was!) My true motive was just to connect with him before he left, as the next day would be my birthday and I wouldn't be seeing him til late in the day.

Anyway, his discomfort was awful, I've never seen him like that. I can't help but think he was feeling guilty for kissing me before he went to be with her. Like he felt he was "cheating' on her! Which, well, he kind of IS.

Cheating on your girlfriend with your wife.

How ridiculous is that?

Too many details to go into here, I feel like I'm torturing my forum friends. I want to stop being so overly sensitive about the details. I don't think I can do that without stepping away from our intimate life for a little while. Until he can be honest with her, and me, I can't take this.

I told him I am just not comfortable with him being so intimate with someone who is a complete stranger to me. I guarantee you, HE would have NEVER agreed to it if MY guy were an unknown!!!

Well he hated the idea of a separation, got enraged, said he'll end it with her if I end mine. Said if I don't end it I can pack my bags and we're getting a divorce. Said I set him up, that this whole thing was just a trap to make him out to be the bad guy.

Well, he'll be home from work soon so I guess we'll see how it goes. I suspect that no matter what he tells me, she will be lurking in the background, sending him texts all night, all weekend, and he'll be slipping off every chance he gets to read them and text her back. But if we agree to live as friends for awhile, I can respect that. He needs to figure out what he really wants with this girl. If he wants me involved, he is going to have to be open with both of us.

As far as Butch goes, I have made my intentions very clear. We both have. I am his transition girl. He will move on and when he does, it's over for us. It's funny -- I knew I'd never share my boyfriend. But I thought I could share my husband! Maybe I could have, if I could have at least met his girlfriend and she knew the truth about us, about me, about him. But it turned into a botched attempt at a V, for us, really. I'm sorry for Sundance, because I still believe it could have gone much differently. Maybe if we take a break, regroup, we can try again. Who knows.
__________________
Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:34 PM.