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Old 09-03-2011, 11:35 AM
Avenidas Avenidas is offline
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Hello,
I have been sliding all over the place on this thick patch of drama and, unfortunately, melodrama. I am beginning to think that there might be some more serious issues underneath, but I don't have a support system in place where I live in which to discuss it openly.

I'm in a new relationship with someone who is in a relationship with two others. I think that one of the other partners may be verbally and emotionally abusive, and has, for the last month been using my partner as a vehicle to bully me into isolation. I'm quite sure of it in fact. I have made steps in the last few days to remove myself from the line of fire, and to disengage from any involvement with that person. This is not the easiest thing to do when we share a partner. I would like to have some insight into the issue, but I can't talk about it publicly. Does anyone have experience with this? Does polyamory make it possible to be in a "second hand" abusive relationship?
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Old 09-03-2011, 11:42 AM
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IrisAwakened IrisAwakened is offline
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Although I have no experience in a relationship such as this, I have been emotionally and verbally abused by a parental figure. Being manipulated is not cool. If you are feeling it, it is happening. My (inexperienced) advice would be to talk to your direct partner and let them know the situation, and how it makes you feel. If they love you, they will want the best for you, but they may not believe you about their loved one (they may be in denial). You need to be prepared to leave if your partner can't understand. You can't bow down to emotional bullies, it ruins your spirit. Seriously.

Abuse is abuse, sometimes it is worse when they leave no marks, like in your situation. It can't be proven but it is just as damaging. Take care of yourself, first and foremost. If you need any support, please feel free to message me!
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Old 09-03-2011, 01:49 PM
Avenidas Avenidas is offline
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I appreciate the offer of support. I'm really pretty worried about the whole thing. I didn't even realize what was going on for almost a month of it, until my roommate pointed out that the OSO was being abusive and that my partner was essentially implicit in it by conveying these messages to me. It's really complicated. The obvious answer is to un-involve myself, but I'm very worried about my partner because he is bearing the directly aggressive blunt of this, whereas I'm getting it second hand. If it's having this much effect on me from a distance I can't help but be concerned about what it's doing to him. I don't think this is the first situation in which his OSO has used manipulative and mean tactics to get their way and "win" fights. Since I've been involved it's happened in regular bursts. Apparently it's a pattern that has existed in their relationship, and the cycle has just gotten much shorted since I've been involved.

I've told my partner how I feel about his other relationship, that I want nothing to do with his OSO, that I don't want to hear any of the mean things this person says about me, and that I won't allow the OSO to bully me through him. I've been in relationships like this and won't do it again. However, the circumstances in place make it impossible for me to have a regular and timely form of communication, so I'm left being ineffective at finding a productive outlet of my own and a way to have my voice heard. I feel like the circumstantial silencing is growing to be part of the abuse, because it's isolating me to feel crazy, second-guess myself all the time, and feel insecure-not just in my relationship-but also personally and socially insecure.

Last edited by Avenidas; 09-03-2011 at 01:53 PM.
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Old 09-03-2011, 07:16 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Avenidas View Post
I've told my partner how I feel about his other relationship, that I want nothing to do with his OSO, that I don't want to hear any of the mean things this person says about me, and that I won't allow the OSO to bully me through him... However, the circumstances in place make it impossible for me to have a regular and timely form of communication, so I'm left being ineffective at finding a productive outlet of my own and a way to have my voice heard. I feel like the circumstantial silencing is growing to be part of the abuse, because it's isolating me to feel crazy, second-guess myself all the time, and feel insecure-not just in my relationship-but also personally and socially insecure.
Avenidas,

It's time to head out the door. You've told your partner about the pain his OSO is causing you. And it sounds like you've told your partner he is in an abusive relationship. You need to move on because he is complicit in the abuse by passing on what was said. What loving partner relays hurtful things said about one partner to the other? That's vicious on its own.
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