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  #81  
Old 09-12-2011, 02:39 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Of course it's about love. But, you know, I can really love salmon, but it doesn't mean I should only eat salmon. I can also eat some potatoes here and there, even though I only like potatoes, if I want to, without being a bad person.

Also, love can be sort of fluid. If you grow to love someone slowly, then there is a period before that where you don't love them, for instance, and you're not being a horrible person by not loving them right away. What you're doing is enjoying the process of falling in love.

You can't force love, and since love can be intense, you're going to love some things, but not all things, and that's okay.
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  #82  
Old 09-12-2011, 02:45 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carma View Post
Polyamory IS about love! Isn't it???? Translation: Poly = "many" + amor = "love"

Maybe I'm in the wrong place.
If I had to guess, I would say Michelle's point was that a system based on loving relationships doesn't get suddenly invalidated just because not everthing you do is motivated by love. Obviously you shouldn't act from a place of cruelty or unthinking greed or dishonesty, but being poly doesn't mean you can't have casual sex (or watch porn, to bring it around to the original topic) from time to time as well.

If I work for a nonprofit I don't get kicked out for going on a purely splurgey shopping spree, and if I'm poly I don't get kicked out for having a sexual encounter that's just for fun.

That's my take on it anyways. There's a big movement out there to take the shame out of the word "slut"... because if you're not harming anyone why should it matter if you have a good time?... and I don't see poly as the same as that by any stretch, but I also certainly don't see it as incompatible with either.
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  #83  
Old 09-12-2011, 02:50 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I like our complementary metaphors, Michelle.

And good point about the fact that sex and love don't always come in a specific order. My relationship with Gia and Eric started as fun, casual sex between friends and has grown into one of the deepest relationships i've ever had.

I think the key thing to understanding the role of casual sex in polyamory, if you should choose to engage in it, is that in, say, swinging, love is expressly "forbidden" (as if you could prevent such a thing), whereas polys tend to acknowledge love not only as a possibility but as something to be embraced if you should find it.
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  #84  
Old 09-12-2011, 02:52 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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I like that way of putting it, Annabel.
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  #85  
Old 09-12-2011, 02:55 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I'm sure that if anyone is out of place here, it would be me.

Fortunately for the people who are poly-love purists, i do not identify as "poly", so you need not worry that i am tainting your label. You all go right on having sex only with people you are in love with. I'm not trying to get you to do anything you don't want to do. If you can't stand sharing this forum with folks that do things you do not choose for yourself, then there are choices available to you. Pick one.
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  #86  
Old 09-12-2011, 03:05 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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People are describing situations where they have sex first then fall in love. What about when you have sex and don't even WANT to know the person very well outside of the sex? For example, i used to have sex with this one guy who i am insanely attracted to but get the feeling that if we knew each other better, we wouldn't like each other much, and it would ruin the fun we could have.

This is very very un-poly, but it is also not very "swinger-ish" of me either. Am i just totally hopeless? I may sound like a something-something-whatever-whatever, but i do have 2 long-term relationships with people i "love" that you don't hear me complaining about constantly on here, so i must have figured out how to do something right.
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  #87  
Old 09-12-2011, 03:08 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Yes, and, to return to the topic of the thread, most of us do watch porn and we're not *in love* with the porn. It's just something fun we do.

I think it's cool to have a mix, and you can call it whatever you want.
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  #88  
Old 09-12-2011, 03:40 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I don't think it's unpoly of you to have extremely casual, near anonymous sex in the way you described, NK, because it has nothing to do with poly, really.

Not identifying as poly, now that might be "unpoly".

I am curious though... if, to your extreme shock, you had somehow fallen in love with hot-but-incompatible-sextoy guy (just imagine with me here)... would it have ruined your life and your other relationships? Or could you have found a way to have him in your life, even if only as an emotionally-close tertiary partner, that didn't screw up everything else and was honest?
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  #89  
Old 09-12-2011, 04:19 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I don't think it's unpoly of you to have extremely casual, near anonymous sex in the way you described, NK, because it has nothing to do with poly, really.

Not identifying as poly, now that might be "unpoly".

I am curious though... if, to your extreme shock, you had somehow fallen in love with hot-but-incompatible-sextoy guy (just imagine with me here)... would it have ruined your life and your other relationships? Or could you have found a way to have him in your life, even if only as an emotionally-close tertiary partner, that didn't screw up everything else and was honest?
I cannot imagine falling in love with this person and having him as a partner without it screwing up my life. I would take responsibility for the choices i'd make, but i cannot imagine being in love with sex toy guy nor imagine him in love with me, at least not without one or both of us being so changed that we might as well not be who we are. On top of that, he is the type who has "monogamous" relationships until the girl gets tired of him chasing other pussy. I already know all this and wouldn't expect it to be any other way.

Right now, the only problem is that i want more and i'm not getting it. That is something i can handle.
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  #90  
Old 09-12-2011, 04:40 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleZed View Post
. . . most of us do watch porn . . .
Most of us? Who is the "us" that you mean? People who are poly? People who frequent this board? How do you know that the majority of whatever group you're referring to watches porn? Because that's quite a statement! I'm not picking on you, I'm just curious if you're basing that on a study or survey or your own observation...

Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
What about when you have sex and don't even WANT to know the person very well outside of the sex? . . . This is very very un-poly, but it is also not very "swinger-ish" of me either. Am i just totally hopeless?
Wouldn't it just be considered Open to have a fuck buddy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Not identifying as poly, now that might be "unpoly".
I don't ID as poly either.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-12-2011 at 04:47 PM.
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