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  #11  
Old 12-06-2011, 11:24 PM
hellokitty hellokitty is offline
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Thanks all for the responses. I never got to reply back after I originally posted this. It has been 3 months and I am struggling still. I really appreciate some of the helpful things said here.

I do love my bf deeply. I always will. I can't imagine my life without him in it. He makes me feel so happy and positive and helps me grow more than anyone else ever has. He makes me feel excited about life and helps me nourish my creativity. nycindie you are right, I need to focus on staying in the moment, enjoying him for who he is.

I do think I need to open up though. It doesn't feel right or fair or honest. I love him so much but I am not interested in being sexual with him. It makes me anxious and I just can't relax. I feel absolutely awful and I've been beating myself up about it. It's terrible because I know everyone needs sexual attention and I do my best to just go with it but I find myself making excuses (I'm tired, I don't feel good, let's go do something else, anything) to get out of being sexual with him. It hurts so much. I want to show him I care but when we start kissing or touching I can't get into it. I feel so nervous and sad and not myself. & don't get me wrong I'm not shy I have always been a very sexual person. Just over the past yr or so it's been getting worse. I think he is handsome, cute, attractive, but I never find myself craving him physically. I never think about any men sexually for that matter. I'm so fucking confused it's driving me crazy, making me so depressed, I just feel so alone and don't know what to do.

He has been dating around a bit, nothing serious at all - talking, flirting, kissing, mostly just with girls he meets when out partying so not taking anyone home or anything. But he knows I am supportive of him kissing/being physical with other women. We have not talked about him sleeping with another girl but he hasn't expressed that much interest in any of the girls he's told me about meeting. I want to take care of him but I know at this point I cannot fulfill him in that way.

I don't know how to talk to him and tell him all these really difficult feelings I've been dealing with. I don't even know where to begin. All this time I have just been trying to ignore it and hope it goes away and just deal with it but it feels so wrong. I mean sometimes I just feel so guilty and think maybe I should just do it, if you love someone you make sacrifices and do things you don't always want to. But then I would feel like a liar. I just feel so stuck and Idk what to do.......
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  #12  
Old 12-06-2011, 11:32 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I think if he knew how you felt he wouldn't want you to pretend for his sake. This isn't good for either of you. I would much much MUCH rather a partner tell me they don't want me like that anymore than to "sacrifice" their body to me when it makes them feel bad. It would seem this isn't going away, and if he's really as connected to you as you say, sooner or later he will realize how you've been feeling. Better to tell him honestly and see what the relationship will change into.

Hopefully you two can retain a close and important connection even if you're not sexual partners. But don't lie to him any more by pretending to be interested when you're not, sooner or later it will erode the other good things about your relationship.
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  #13  
Old 12-07-2011, 04:47 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Would you want someone to have to force themselves to have sex with you?...force them to fake an illness, or make up excuses to get out of the horrible burden of having to have sex with you! I'm thinking not.
What again were the reason for not doing the right thing I forgot?
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  #14  
Old 12-07-2011, 06:38 AM
Storm Storm is offline
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Hi Hellokitty,

Sounds to me like you think of you bf more as your best friend than as a romantic partner now. Do you feel like you are still in love with him? Or do you feel like you just love him? To me there is a big difference between the two.
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  #15  
Old 12-08-2011, 06:00 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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What concerns me is that you so often got turned down for sex by your bf, and now that youve found a more responsive partner, your bf is approaching you for sex! Too little, too late, sounds like. You got tired of a lukewarm partner... yet you know how it felt to be turned down, so you feel guilty for being on the other side now.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 60) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 38) since January 2009, living together since 2013
also loving Punk (monogamish, former swinger, 42, M) since Oct 2015
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  #16  
Old 12-08-2011, 06:03 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Maybe it's just time to move on. You can love someone and still walk away.
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  #17  
Old 12-08-2011, 06:21 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Well, of course she should talk it all out with him first! Blindsiding him would be rude and unethical.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 60) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 38) since January 2009, living together since 2013
also loving Punk (monogamish, former swinger, 42, M) since Oct 2015
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 2 years
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  #18  
Old 12-08-2011, 06:53 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oh yes, of course (were you responding to me, Mags?) ! I didn't mean just walk away without a word.

OP, I think you seriously need to talk with your bf about all this stuff, the rollercoaster of desire between you, and being satisfied elsewhere. It just seems like the love is there but sexual compatibility is not. maybe the relationship in that arena is done.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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  #19  
Old 12-08-2011, 11:57 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

I am not a newly wed... dewy eyes are for newly weds in my mind (and those in NRE), not people who have been together for awhile... its fun, and lovely, but doesn't make for a long term commitment I don't think. People can have that dewy look with strangers at a swingers club. It doesn't amount to much I don't think, lovely as it is.
.
Oh RP, my gf still looks at me with dewy eyes after 3 years, and I bet your bf still does as well!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 60) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 38) since January 2009, living together since 2013
also loving Punk (monogamish, former swinger, 42, M) since Oct 2015
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 2 years
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  #20  
Old 12-08-2011, 05:55 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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The point I was trying to make with the dewy eyed comment was ...she recently found that connection with her gf ...never had or lost that with this guy (loves him like a close cousin) wouldn't you want him to find a person he could have that with....that's all. But RP's right I ve seen similar (not exactly dewy eyed) looks in strip clubs.

I think all to often poly becomes the method for avoiding hard decisions or hard conversations.

Last edited by dingedheart; 12-08-2011 at 06:40 PM.
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